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Sports Code: Don't Give A Championship Ring To Drake

Posted 7/30/12 12:00 pm EST by in Funny, News, Sports


Credit: instagram

"Guy Code" explores the previously unspoken rules that exist between bros. We've decided to analyze another set of laws here: the Sports Code. It's a term that we invented but it refers to the idea that you don't take in-house matters to the media, or throw a teammate under the bus. That sort of thing.

The Kentucky Wildcats basketball team gave Drake his own national championship ring, according to the Big Lead. Better yet, it's insufferably inscribed with "Drizzy." Look, we know Drake is a Kentucky fan (though we have no idea why since he's Canadian), but this is absurd. If you're giving away celebrity championship rings willy-nilly, then why isn't Wildcat lifer Ashley Judd first on the list? At least she went to the school (and isn't Canadian).

Isn't it just the worst when celebrities get these sports perks, like an honorary jersey or some s***? As if their existences weren't charmed enough, now they magically get to be a part of sports history in this pretend version of events. It's like giving a child the pin with honorary pilot's wings, or one of those fake sheriff's stars. Except the kid probably did something to earn it, like saying "please" or going a whole day without throwing a tantrum.

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Carl Williott (@cwilliott) lives in New York, where he stresses about keeping up with his RSS feeds.

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Today's Badass: Gun-Toting Olympic Medalist Kim Rhode

Posted 7/30/12 11:00 am EST by in News, Sports, Today's Badass

Credit: Lars Baron/Getty Images

With a gold medal already around her neck from the London Olympics, U.S. skeet shooter (yeah yeah, hilarious) Kim Rhode has now been winning Olympics hardware for 16 years, which is roughly the age of most of China's Olympic squad. She may not be one of our Gold Medal Babes, but she's one of five humans on the planet who have won individual medals in five straight Olympics. At the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, she won gold at age 16. Then bronze in Sydney in 2000. Then gold again in Athens in '04. Then silver last time in Beijing. And during this latest medal run, she went on an Olympic record setting stretch hitting 74/75 targets. Do you remember how hard the clay shooting was in "Duck Hunt" if you didn't scoot right up to the screen? Kim Rhode doesn't.

As if her prowess with a rifle didn't already make us feel insecure, NBC did a feature on Rhode's classic car collection.  The sharp-shooter is also a huge motorhead and rebuilt a 1965 Shelby Cobra. What did you do this weekend? Play "Call Of Duty" and microwave a Hot Pocket? Thought so, that's why Kim Rhode is manlier than all of us and Today's Badass.

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Carl Williott (@cwilliott) lives in New York, where he stresses about keeping up with his RSS feeds.

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Gold Medal Babes: Vote On Hottest Olympic Runners

Posted 7/27/12 3:00 pm EST by in Ladies, Sports


Credit: Shaun Botterill/Getty Images

The Summer Olympics officially kick off today with the Opening Ceremonies in London. And that means the time for watching spandex-clad women sweat and jiggle is nigh! But thanks to our Gold Medal Babes series, you can now vote on the hottest babes of the Games.

Arguably the hottest female contingent is track and field (though, you're bound to have hotties when dealing with such a huge sample size). Based on our thorough research in this department, the former Soviet bloc is killing it in this category: long gone are the days when they carted out 'roided up women with crotch bulges and hairy upper lips.

Anyway, below we've whittled the list down to the 10 hottest female runners. This list doesn't include hurdlers like Lolo Jones and Michelle Jenneke, don't worry, we'll get to them, jumpers and the like later on in the Games. So check out the candidates and vote for your three favorites.

Esther Akihary - Netherlands


Credit: Twitter

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Today's Dumbass: Drought Sufferers Painting Lawns Green

Posted 7/27/12 1:00 pm EST by in News, Today's Dumbass


Credit:Todd Pearson via Getty Images

Despite all the hellish storms that have been ravaging the East Coast for the past week and making the sky look like the end of "Ghostbusters," apparently two-thirds of the country is suffering from a drought. And that drought has led to just the STUPIDEST craze: painting your dead lawn green. People are paying anywhere from $125 to a staggering $600 to turn their yards into the "Brady Bunch" set.

Think of all the bottles of water that could buy, or the fresh fruits and vegetables, which become harder to acquire and more expensive during a drought. But hey, what's scurvy when you have a beautiful faux-verdant lawn to stare at! There's only one reason to paint grass: sports.

Plus, the thing about droughts, they end. And when this one ends in a torrential downpour, all that "fertile" green grass will wash away, and you're left with a brown lawn all over again. Money well spent!

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Carl Williott (@cwilliott) lives in New York, where he stresses about keeping up with his RSS feeds.

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University Study Proves Booze + Energy Drinks = Sex

Posted 7/27/12 11:00 am EST by in Funny, News


Credit: AFP

Are you sitting down? You should be sitting down for this. OK, ready? A new study found that drinking a combination of alcohol and energy drinks (a Jagerbomb, for instance, or Four Loko original recipe) increases your odds of having casual sex. It's almost as if it's some kind of...magic LOVE POTION. Surely it is a cruel spell behind these mystical happenings and science alone cannot explain it!

This groundbreaking revelation comes from the Obvious Department at the Academy of Sciences in No S***, one of the most lauded experimental labs in all of the United Doys of AmeriDUH. A study! A study was commissioned to find this out. Somebody's money funded this "research". All they had to do was go to any college bar and people-watch.

We can't wait to get the findings from their next study, which hopes to find out if going to a strip club increases one's chances of seeing exposed breasts.

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Carl Williott (@cwilliott) lives in New York, where he stresses about keeping up with his RSS feeds.

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11 Reasons 'Step Up Revolution' Will Be Effing SICK!

Posted 7/26/12 1:00 pm EST by in Funny, Movies

You guys, since I was so right about "Battleship" being a totally boss movie, I had to come back and drop some more knowledge on you, because I'm the kinda guy who makes sure his bros get their fill of cinematic delights. So here's the next movie you should be straight AMPED about: motherf***in' "Step Up Revolution."

I know, but hear me out, man. You're thinking "Whaaat, a dance movie? Has our boy gone SOFT?" NO. I am so hard. Hard for this movie. Just take one look at the trailer, and you'll see, this is one flying haymaker of sweet moves and sexy biddies. Still need convincing? Fine, I made a list for all you jabroni holdouts. Here are 11 reasons "Step Up Revolution" will straight step ON the competition's NARDS.

1. Break-dancing statues!

The appeal for this first item is self-explanatory, dog.

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Today's Dumbass: Man Arrested For Not Leaving Jail

Posted 7/26/12 12:00 pm EST by in Funny, News, Today's Dumbass

Three squares, a free gym, cable -- for some guys, life in the joint is an upgrade. That is not why Rodney Dwayne Valentine wouldn't leave a North Carolina jail after his release. The 37-year-old had just finished serving two months and upon his release Saturday morning he asked cops to ride him to a local motel. They swiftly refused, so Valentine decided to just hang around. By that afternoon, he was arrested for trespassing. And so, now he's in jail until his court hearing on August 9. On the bright side, think of how expensive it would've been to live out of a motel that long! Maybe Mr. Valentine has things figured out after all.

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Carl Williott (@cwilliott) lives in New York, where he stresses about keeping up with his RSS feeds.

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'WakeBrothers' Premiere Provides Dating Lessons

Posted 7/26/12 11:00 am EST by in Funny, Relationships, Sports, TV

MTV's "WakeBrothers" premiered last night with two episodes (watch them both online here). The full-hour basically proved that we've all made the wrong life choices, and that pro wakeboarder brothers Phil and Bob Soven (the ginger) are living right. At 23 and 20 respectively, the two party and make homemade boarding rails, often with bikini babes looking on, at their lakeside house. (Not only is Phil the #1 ranked wakeboarder in the world, but he's generous, letting his younger bro live in his house).

They may be more athletic and successful than all of us, but let's put aside our searing envy for a moment to learn from them. The first two episodes focused on setting the guys up on a date. First, older brother Phil convinced his girlfriend to get her friend to go on a date with the rambunctious Bob. And here are our first lessons, care of Bob:

1. Don't wear a caveman suit on a first date...or ever.

Or as Bob called it, the silver short suit (SSS): no sleeves, pants cut into shorts. Needless to say, the girl wasn't tearing it off him at the end of the night. Because she was gone.
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Code Breakers: Bro'd-Out Burglars Play Beer Pong

Posted 7/25/12 1:30 pm EST by in Code Breakers, Funny, News


Credit: Ethan Miller/Getty Images

The other day, a man was arrested for breaking into homes and surfing porn once inside. Today, we have some dudes who were similarly driven by the pleasure principle for their burglary, although rather than arousal, they looked to a rousing game of beer pong. According to police, the suspects entered a home in Virginia and played beer pong before stealing two cars in the driveway. This also means they were driving stolen cars drunk--definitely breaking Guy Code.

OK, so what are the chances that you break into a home that just happens to have an abundance of cheap beer, red Solo cups and ping pong balls? Unless this was a frat house, we suspect that the burglars brought their own supplies. Guys, I think we just cracked the case for the Arlington cops.

There's a certain limit to how far one should go in order to party. These guys clearly went over the limit. It's one thing when you're in high school, to break into your friend's house and throw a party while he's on vacation with his family (what, nobody else has done that?). You're desperate for parties at that age. But if you're so hard up for a party as an adult that you need to break into a stranger's home and use their pad as a place to get drunk, that's low, man. Ever heard of brown-baggin' it in the park?

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Carl Williott (@cwilliott) lives in New York, where he stresses about keeping up with his RSS feeds.

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Today's Badass: Man Pleases 15 Women For Entire Day

Posted 7/25/12 11:30 am EST by in Funny, News, Today's Badass

Meet George Brownridge. As you can see, he pleased 15 women for an entire day, after which the gals were understandably "exhausted and very satisfied." Dude's a machine! It's one thing to give a gaggle of gals a whole day of pleasure, it's quite another to be such an attentive lover during that time that they feel the need to broadcast it to the world. No wonder he rocks that commanding flavor-saver.

Unfortunately, it's just a classic mix-up, and Brownridge was not, in fact, guiding these 15 women on a one-day orgy that was so spectacular they could only do it once a year. Brownridge had merely arranged an annual holiday shopping trip for these women (who, based on the ad, maybe like shopping too much?).

After the ad went viral, the newspaper had to run this ad clearing things up:
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