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You know Fred Willard. He's the funny old guy from "Anchorman" and "Best In Show" and dozens of other movies. He was arrested in Hollywood last night for allegedly masturbating in an adult theater. So now he's the dirty old guy from those movies.
According to TMZ, undercover cops walked through the Tiki Theater and found Willard "with his penis exposed and in his hand." Yep, that's usually how masturbating works!
Plaxico, this sees your self-inflicted thigh wound and raises you a shot to the dick. Convicted Oklahoma drug dealer Tavares Colbert was on his way to sell a gun, and he decided to make sure it was functional WHILE DRIVING. Would you believe the gun went off (hey, it works!) and fired into his groin? Because it did.
Huff Post says after he was treated at the hospital, cops cuffed him, though we have to admit a stint in jail may not be as miserable as waiting around in an E.R. while your nuts bleed out.
To recap -- Drinking and driving: dangerous. Talking on phone and driving: dangerous. Texting and driving: dangerous. Performing quality inspections on firearms and driving: dangerous. But hey Obama, where are the commercials for that last one, huh? How is the public supposed to know the dangers of driving while cleaning weapons? Get on that, Mr. President.
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Carl Williott (@cwilliott) lives in New York, where he stresses about keeping up with his RSS feeds.
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Meet comedian Jon Daly, on the left. His name is one letter off from infamous pro golfer John Daly, on the right. The comedian has launched the Jo(h)n Daly Project (a.k.a. Jon Daly is John Daly), which basically aims to flood Google Images with photos of Jon Daly (comedian) when you search for John Daly (golfer). Still with us? OK, good. This is known as a Google Bomb. Previous victims of such internet trickery include Rick Santorum and ESPN's Craig James. It is always funny. But this one takes the practice to another level by going the image route.
Why is Jon Daly doing this? Because it is slightly insane and completely rad, just like John Daly. (Here's the longer explanation.) And we want to help. All you have to do is go to his site and Like or Tweet or otherwise share the photos he's uploaded of himself as John Daly. Or you can Photoshop your own and send them around.
We can't just tell you to help spread the photos like wildfire without chipping in ourselves, so we're sharing some of our favorite "John Daly" photos below.
Oregon woman Elle Zober was married for 10 years, before her husband left her for a "22-year-old college student who likes yoga," according to Gawker. And now Elle is calling out her cheating ex in very public fashion: via the home's For Sale sign. It's more utilitarian than just paying a load of cash for a billboard or bus ad, which might be funny but does absolutely nothing to benefit YOU, the scorned lover.
But this, this serves a purpose: she gets her comeuppance AND cash. Sure, Zober said she did it so that people will "know it was a family home." But she did it for the publicity, let's be real. And now that savvy move is paying dividends, as it's gone viral online.
So Mr. Ex-Husband may be getting serviced by his limber new lover, but that girl is 22 which means she's also a financial black hole. Elle, on the other hand, will be raking it in after she sells to the highest bidder. Well played, Elle Zober. Well played.
The first ever Humpy Awards took place. Oh, what, you didn't see the red carpet coverage on "E! News"? Maybe it's because this is a dog humping contest celebrating the dogs' "natural behavior." It's exactly what it sounds like: dogs competitively humping their owners' legs. This is the trophy:
We don't know if the below video of the event is hilarious or unsettling, mainly because of the sheer glee with which these folks offer up their legs. And also because this is the MC:
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We all love to exaggerate the Tim Tebow religious angle, for instance by joking that he had "Angels in the Outfield"-like help during some of his improbable victories last season. But now the guy officially has apostles. It's happening. Pious churchgoers will be trekking to the den of vice and wickedness known as New York to watch the Chosen One (After Mark Sanchez) during Jets training camp.
According to Pro Football Talk, officials in Cortland County (where the Jets practice) have been fielding several calls from church groups looking for information on visiting during training camp. And we're guessing they're not flocking to see known foot fetishist Rex Ryan or baby-makin' machine Antonio Cromartie. Soon, all will Te-bow at the altar of Tebow (again, assuming he beats out Sanchez, which is not exactly a QB controversy worth having).
Credit: Miami New Times
That, right there, is the greatest mugshot in the history of America. Do we have to tell you he was arrested in the wee hours of July 5, or is that a given?
Just what did this guy do to get booked? Surely it was something deemed TOO awesomely American for the average person to witness--something like
French freedom-kissing a bald eagle while riding a Harley, or perhaps just jerkin' it in his Ford truck to Kate Upton's USA bikini photos as "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" played.
Turns out 31-year-old Eric Butkiewicz was actually just selling Xanax at a nightclub on July 4. Still American, sure, but not nearly as awesome as the stuff we guessed. Most drug dealers use stealth and anonymity, but perhaps Mr. Butkiewicz is on to something here. "Hey, where'd you score those Zannies?" "Oh, the dude with the American flag airbrushed onto his face. Can't miss him."
A center fielder in the Phillies system made a spectacular catch at the wall the other day, robbing a homer using his bare hand. It's tough to tell how exactly it happened, but it looks like the ball initially hit Jiwan James' glove, which fell off behind the wall, and as he fell to the ground he caught the ball with his hand. Since it's minor league ball, the slow-mo angles are pretty scarce. But whatever happened, we've never seen a catch quite like it. Bring that kid up!
There are zombies, and there is the resistance. The resistance fights zombies by flaunting their individuality and generally acting "fresh." This is the premise of the infomercial for "The 13th Annual The Gathering of the Juggalos." It's all a nuanced allegory, you see. Zombies = mainstreamers/sellouts, and the resistance = Juggalos. (Nothing says "underground" like Jamie Kennedy, who is performing this year, right? Eh just go with it.)
The Insane Clown Posse-fronted carnival of Faygo, horrorcore, drugs and dirt takes place every year in some muddy field and features myriad clown-faced performers cheered on by myriad clown-faced attendees. And there's always an oddly legit mix of hip-hop--this year features acts like Danny Brown, The Geto Boys, The Pharcyde and Warren G.
We always look forward to watching each year's infomercial, because it always shatters records for how many times you'll say "Um, WHAT?" in one sitting. We've watched the whole 23-minute trailer (23 minutes! No way Faygo-addled brains have the attention span to get through it all) so you don't have to. But you still should. We've embedded it below, plus 10 things you need to know about this vortex of awesomeness known as the Gathering of the Juggalos infomercial.
1. These are your troop leaders
"Jersey Shore" cast-member and "Guy Code" commentator Vinny Guadagnino previously caused some head-scratching with the giant "Let Go Let God" script on his chest. But now he's showing the rest of his "J-Shore" cohorts that he's the Tat King of the house. Sorry Pauly D, sorry JWOWW, but the title's locked up for now. Vinny has now added a massive backplate to go with the words. As you can see above in the photo he tweeted, he added a giant (asymmetrical?) heart radiating with streaks, making him like some sort of guido version of Tenderheart Bear (which isn't an insult because who doesn't love the Care Bears?) Also, it looks super painful. All that Tenderheart ink on the tender sternum area?
Anyway, we can't wait to see what his Jersey housemates have to say about it.