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The 10 Guys In Your Fantasy Football League

Posted 8/27/12 3:30 pm EST by in Funny, Sports, The Show


Credit: Cindy Ord/Getty Images

This week on "Guy Code," the cast will be discussing perhaps the guy-iest thing there is: fantasy sports. Because, people, fantasy football season is just around the corner. How about that for timing? It's almost like the show's producers planned it that way.

So, since you're about to inundate yourself with football stats and begin cutting off communication with loved ones and only maintaining dialogues with your league members, we wanted to give you a rundown of the 10 jagoffs you'll find in your league, to help you navigate the waters. So, which one are you?

The Professor

Credit: AFP via Getty Images

This is the stat geek who bludgeons you with figures for VORP and WARP and PECOTA and BABIP during fantasy baseball season. Thankfully, the stat game is pretty basic for football, but he'll still act like he's your league's Elias Sports Bureau. When trading with him, proceed with caution, because he's probably up on some pattern that you didn't even know was happening. Read More...

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Yoga Is Manlier Than You Think

Posted 8/27/12 12:30 pm EST by in Funny, The Show


Credit: Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images

Tomorrow night's "Guy Code" delves into the mystery known as yoga. I know what you're thinking: Yoga is for chicks. A manly workout consists of 45 plates clanging into each other, veins popping. Or maybe a solid run, whether it's outside braving the elements or on a treadmill with a Drago-like incline. Or maybe P90X or Insanity or Crossfit or some other high-intensity all-around hell cycle. Basically, if it involves grunting, it's a good workout. Thus, namby-pamby yoga is not a good workout. Well, you are wrong.

Babes

First of all, there are babes. Babes in tight pants spreading their legs and arching their backs and bending over RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. This isn't like going to ballet or Zumba or some other "girly" thing. There are whole cultures built around yoga. It's not some womanly workout fad. It's legit. And often filled with babes. And just by being there, the girls already find you endearing. If you're good at it, they'll straight splash for you.
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10 Official Codes Of Etiquette For 'Madden'

Posted 8/24/12 4:00 pm EST by in Funny, Games, Sports

We're just days away from playing "Madden NFL 13," and by now you've seen the commercials featuring Ray Lewis and Paul Rudd, wherein Rudd breaks just about every video game code in the book. So we thought, hey, let's draft up the official Madden Code, so that we may help diffuse the intense Madden-based conflicts before they escalate, by providing rules of etiquette. Below are the 10 rules that any honorable player must uphold. We wish we had these to consult when we were growing up, it would've saved us from a lot of broken controllers/faces/friendships.

1. Never, EVER peek at the other guy's play selection screen.

Surreptitiously check out his girlfriend/wife/sister/mom, that's fine. But surreptitiously check out his formation, that's a chode move.

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Rhino Fart Is Greatest Moment In Local News History

Posted 8/24/12 12:00 pm EST by in Funny, TV, Video

Aw how cute, a mommy rhino and her baby are getting their morning shower and rolling around. Just the the kind of harmless fluff you've come to expect on Fox 8 Cleveland's "Kickin' It With Kenny." The perfect background soundtrack for your morning routine. Wait a minute! The rhino just released a mighty wind. A rhinoceros fart, people! And with that, this previously unremarkable segment etched its name into viral news history. Once that rhino rips ass, Kenny obviously, understandably, absolutely loses it.

Honestly, though, when you consider that it's from a 2600-lb beast, you'd think it would be even louder, right? Pretty sure we've ripped equivalent ones in the "Guy Code" office. Step up your fart game, rhinos.

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Carl Williott (@cwilliott) also gets hosed down in the morning.

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'Guy Code' Sneak Peek: Dudes Don't Have Best Friends

Posted 8/24/12 10:30 am EST by in MTV2, The Show, Video

Next week "Guy Code" investigates the bro bond and today we've got a great preview clip about  friends. Grown men should never use the label "best friend." You always hear girls squawking about going to "boozy brunch" with their "best friends," but guys, we just hang out with our "dogs" and "buds." There's a whole list of acceptable descriptors we use for our closest friend, but "best friend" is just a little too...intense. Because c'mon, if it's not something we're boning or playing "Madden" on, we can't like it enough to warrant an affectionate label like that. And I don't think we even have to mention that you can never, EVER, under any circumstances use the word "besties."

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Learn How To Drink Your Own Urine

Posted 8/23/12 4:45 pm EST by in Funny, The Show, Video

In addition to being a contributing producer on "Guy Code," Roger Hailes hosts Yahoo's "Mansome" shorts. And in his latest, he learns how to turn piss into water, so that you can survive if you're ever stranded in the wilderness and going on your very own Rambo mission.

Survival expert Whitefeather (obviously a guy with that name knows how to make nature his bitch) shows Roger the surprisingly simple process (but not as simple as "pee and slam" which we don't recommend). Watch him in action:

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Barry Zito Handles Blooper Pitch Like A Pro [Video]

Posted 8/23/12 12:00 pm EST by in Funny, Sports, Video


Credit: Kent Horner/Getty Images

Barry Zito used to strike fear into batters. Not anymore. Now he's an exemplar of how to age gracefully, after his stoic reaction to this embarrassing pitch:

Look at that poker face! The consummate pro: no freakout, no expletives, not even a smirk. That is how a real man reacts to something embarrassing. We bloggers, on the other hand, would get red in the face, start sweating profusely, throw an F-bomb-laden tantrum and then eventually we'd just tweet some defensively snarky comment.

Barry Zito: washed up, but still more of a man than us.

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Carl Williott's (@cwilliott) changeup is his fastball.

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Today's Badass: LL Cool J Beats Up Burglar

Posted 8/23/12 10:45 am EST by in Celebs, Hip-hop, News, Today's Badass


Credit: Michael Buckner/Getty Images

There's a "Mama Said Knock You Out" joke in here somewhere. A man broke into LL Cool J's house, and the rapper-turned-TV-star (aren't they all?) beat the living piss out of the guy. LL reportedly heard a noise in his kitchen in the middle of the night, and when he entered the room an intruder "came at him." Why would you come at LL Cool J? Dude is jacked!

In a "knock-down, drag-out fight" LL proceeded to break the guy's nose and jaw, and then restrained him until police arrived. Guess all that fake police training for "NCIS: Los Angeles" really paid off. LL is unharmed and won't be charged with assault, but man, terrifying scenario, right? This could've been much worse.

It also really makes us want to see a brawl between the two buffest throwback MC's around: LL Cool J and Dr. Dre. Who ya got?

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Carl Williott (@cwilliott) would have to go with Dre.

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Diplo's 'Set It Off' Video Proves Pole Dancing Is Art

Posted 8/22/12 2:30 pm EST by in Music, Video

You know that super slo-mo camera that they always use during sports broadcasts? What if, instead of recording hulking dudes straining to hit balls, someone used it to film exotic dancer after exotic dancer sliding down an endless stripper pole for three minutes and 43 seconds? Well, Diplo and Laserdisk Party Sex are the geniuses who have done just that for their "Set It Off" video. Quite frankly, we can't believe they beat the rap game to this idea.

As you watch these scantily clad women twirl in extreme slow motion (and watch you will, like 11 times in a row), it's clear that pole dancing is truly art -- there's a graceful elegance, it's a modern ballet, if you will. These lithe women have clearly trained for hours, making their bodies as limber and toned as possible in order to exude total grace on the pole. Perhaps now your girlfriend will understand why you admire the art and spectacle of stripping.

Of course, she'll probably counter that just because it's hard doesn't mean it should be celebrated. To which you'll probably respond, "That's what she said."

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Carl Williott (@cwilliott) thinks strip clubs should get NEA funding.

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Code Breakers: Porn Star Causes Syphilis Outbreak

Posted 8/22/12 12:30 pm EST by in Code Breakers, News


Credit: Spencer Platt/Getty Images

Welp, hope you haven't gotten sick of your current stable of porn vids, because you could be stuck with them for a while. A syphilis outbreak has caused the adult film industry to halt operations nationwide. Patient zero was a male porn actor in L.A. who tested positive for syphilis. The guy pulled a Melky Cabrera, doctoring his test results so he could continue working, and ended up infecting people during three ensuing scenes. Then it turned into "Contagion: The Porn" (which we'd obviously watch) and now you're left without new spank material because of this one syphilitic a**hole...er, dick.

And think -- if syphilis is this widespread, what about the STDs that nobody pays attention to?! A few days ago we introduced you to the likes of The Chank and Granny Sores, and by God if those piddly little STDs try to get in on this syphilis action we will be LIVID. No way we're going back to the days of peep shows. Wrap it up, porn union! (Do they have a union? If not, they should. Jimmy hats instead of hard hats. That could be their slogan.)

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Now what? Is Carl Williott (@cwilliott) supposed to use his imagination or something? How does that work?

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