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Horoscopes For Guys: Predicting October 26 - November 1

Posted 10/26/12 5:00 pm EST by in Funny

Halloween approaches, so what does that mean for your weekly astrological reading? It means that whatever strange events the stars have mapped out for you will likely be more embarrassing, because there's a good chance they'll occur while you're wearing a costume. Be particularly careful this week, it's a tumultuous time for all. Be sure to check for razor blades inside of anything you eat, or anyone you take home.

+ Aries

If you're having trouble making a decision, try making a list of pros and cons. Weigh both sides, and make a decision, then disregard that decision, ask your dumbest friend what to do and follow his dumb advice. Great mistakes build character.

+ Taurus

There's two reasons you should spend as much time out of the house as possible this week: 1) You need to socialize more for your own mental health. 2) Your depressed, takeout hoarding roommate will only drag you down with him if you let him keep talking about his ex-girlfriend.

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Horoscopes For Guys: Predicting Oct 19 - Oct 25

Posted 10/19/12 2:30 pm EST by in Funny

The stars are really bright, and really loud. The galaxy is shouting. I wish the galaxy would stop shouting. What's that? You don't hear the galaxy shouting? I may be the only one hearing it because I'm incredibly sensitive to such things, and I'm incredibly hungover. Either way, the signs of the celestial are in big bold letters this week and they're saying things like "Go for it!" and "Don't go for it!" depending on what sign you are. You know how this works by now.

+ Aries

Don't be afraid to speak up to get what you want. Tell your boss you want a raise, because you deserve it. If they deny you that raise, remind them about the time you saw them searching Craigslist casual encounters for transgendered prostitutes.

+ Taurus

You lack the attention you crave from a good friend. You're taking it personally, and assuming they've just stopped caring. Retrace your steps a few months back. Remember when you blacked out and pissed on their couch? They're still mad at you for that. Apologize and repair your friendship. Also, don't piss on people's couches.
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Today's Dumbass: German Guy Attempts Jumping Into Frozen Pool

Posted 10/17/12 12:00 pm EST by in Funny, Today's Dumbass, Video

Most of you have no idea how difficult it is to be a struggling musician these days. So much relies on self-promotion -- if people don't know who you are, regardless of your musical abilities, then you will toil in obscurity forever. What better way to promote yourself, and your band, than by creating a viral video! Just grab a few friends, think of the dumbest thing you could do without risking your life, and get it on tape!

The two major concerns here are: 1. risk of injury, and 2. making sure the camera captures what it needs to. Most would consider the two are equally important, but for some reason, these guys were concerned primarily with number one. If you said to your friend, "Hey, you should jump in that icy pool over there!", he'd probably reply "That'd be hilarious! But first let me check and see how thick the ice is. I want to make sure it gives way when I hit the surface."

Yet somehow, in this scenario, that two-minute safety check didn't occur, and the results will send a shock up your spine.

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Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.

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Horoscopes For Guys: Predicting October 12th - 18th

Posted 10/12/12 6:00 pm EST by in Funny

You open your eyes, it's cold and dark. At first, you can't figure out where you are, but once your vision adjusts to the darkness you see a large figure creeping toward you. The figure is your dad. He's calling you a pussy. When you get up to try and argue you look down and realize you're wearing a dress.

Embrace your week with confidence. Wear your dress with pride and tell your dad he needs to accept you for who you are.

+ Aries

Be careful, your arrogance is going to get you this week. You call it swagger, but everyone else just thinks you're a jerk. You can avoid most of that judgement by removing the "SWAG7" vanity plates you've put on your car.

+ Taurus

Listen and hear what others are saying. Simply smiling and nodding while your stupid girlfriend tells you about her stupid day, without even looking up from your video game, is not listening. You at least have to look her in her stupid eyes.
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Horoscopes For Guys: Predicting October 5th - 11th

Posted 10/5/12 12:00 pm EST by in Funny

When you look up at the stars on an early October night, what do you see? I see the future, and several constellations that look like a dick and balls. This week's predictions bring a wave of opportunity for most. It's a very promising month for most of you, others, not so much. But, that's how the stars work. Sometimes they're your friends with benefits, and other times they're a manipulative long-term girlfriend who fakes pregnancies once every two months to keep you around.

+ Aries

You've got a lofty goal, and it seems almost out of reach, but it's not. Unless it involves you playing professional football. That's a foolish goal, considering how out of shape you are.

+ Taurus

You've been worried that those close to you think you're a jerk, and you'd like to fix that. Make a list of five things you like least about yourself, then show it to your friends. If any of them agree with you on more than three things, get rid of those friends.
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Horoscopes For Guys: Predicting Sept 28th - Oct 4th

Posted 9/28/12 4:25 pm EST by in Funny

This week, our regular stars are on strike while contract negotiations continue. We've replaced them with stars from a less-experienced galaxy. Just as replacement refs brought a lot of frustration to NFL games, so will the replacement stars bring much frustration in to your personal life. Just kidding. About the replacement stars, not about the frustration. Let's take a look at how the universe is going to bone most of you in the butt this week!

+ Aries

You keep losing things like keys, and girlfriends. This may come as a shock to you, and you're not going to want to hear it, but you're smoking too much pot. If you don't slow down soon, your keys are going to start cheating on you, and you might misplace your girlfriend.

+ Taurus

You're stuck in your silly routine right now. Maybe tonight, instead of falling asleep with your face in a bag of Cheetos, you should go for a walk. You're starting to look sloppy.
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Video: World Peace Through Fart Jokes

Posted 9/28/12 10:45 am EST by in Funny, Video

Credit: Youtube

We don't like to bring you readers down by reminding you our country is at war, but in this case, it's necessary. While you're staring at pictures of Melanie Iglesias from the comfort of your crusty desk chair, there are men and women risking their lives over in Afghanistan and other parts of the world. The last several years have cost countless innocent American and Afghan lives, and for what? We can't answer that, we're a blog that focuses on Guy Code, football and boobs.

What we do know, now that we have absolute proof, is that everyone thinks fart noises are hilarious. You want to see world peace become a reality? We don't need Woodstock, we don't need bumper stickers or Occupiers, we need to get this man on a stage. The second his captivating voice was heard over a power amplification system, and the first armpit fart hit on the beat, soldiers on both sides would lower their guns and follow their ears to the source of this universally hilarious sound.

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Horoscopes: Predicting Sept 21 - 27 For Guys

Posted 9/21/12 2:45 pm EST by in Funny

Ahh, the changing of the seasons brings changes in our lives! Now you can hide your fat with sweaters and coats, instead of the false sense of confidence you've been using all summer. And who doesn't enjoy pumpkin spice flavored everything? What will you change about yourself this fall? In what direction will your life travel as the days get shorter? Will you be eligible to upgrade to an iPhone 5? These are questions that can only be answered by the service provider of our fates: the stars!

+ Aries

Looks like you won the game, so to speak. Congrats! Enjoy it, you only won on a technicality. The latter half of the week will be a series of embarrassing errors. If you know what's good for you, you won't tweet while drinking.

+ Taurus

"Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff." Except those drug trafficking charges you're up against. That's big stuff. Leave some of it at home next time.
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Guy Code Horoscopes: Predicting Sept 14 - 20

Posted 9/14/12 6:06 pm EST by in Funny

This week is going to be epic, feel free to take chances. Remember, you're on a planet that's hurling through space at 67,000 mph. As far as I'm concerned, the fact that we're on a floating rock that's moving that fast is total license to just do whatever the hell we want, but we can't. We must try not to YOLO too hard, even though a slight change in the Sun's gravitational pull could allow us to float into a cold, dark recess of space and freeze within days. If you're trying to avoid living so recklessly, don't drink and drive, and follow the stars!

+ Aries

There's someone in your circle who has a bit of a crush on you. Unfortunately, you're going to blow it by assuming it's the girl you've been chasing. It's not. The women you want will never want you back. Be an island. Go karaoke.

+ Taurus

You've got a love/hate thing going on with someone right now. The fighting will make you want to run away, but the loving will make you want to stay. You're patient, and you'll wait for things to settle down, but they won't. The kind of Daddy issues that make a lady a good lover don't go away over night.
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Guy Code Horoscopes: Predicting Sept 7 - 13

Posted 9/7/12 4:15 pm EST by in Funny

You can find comfort in having a plan, and you can make that plan using common sense and acquired knowledge you've learned throughout your life, or you can use astrology. I prefer astrology, it helps me to place the blame for my bad decisions on factors that are out of my control. "The stars made me do it!" I scream with complete confidence as the bouncer drags me out of my local watering hole on a Tuesday afternoon. You don't have to completely follow the advice of the heavens, but you can at least consult them to see what may be in store for you. Best of luck this week.

+ Aries

You're having communication issues. It seems like nobody is getting your point, catching your drift, smelling what you're stepping in. You can fix this problem by avoiding text message abbreviations and learning proper punctuation.

+ Taurus

Realize that your greatest adventures will come from your biggest challenges. You won't remember that girl you hooked up with in the bathroom 10 minutes after meeting her, but you will remember the one that made you drive halfway across the country to introduce you to her boyfriend.
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