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4 Hazards Of Drinking In The Daytime

Posted 4/11/13 3:00 pm EST by in Funny

2013 Hong Kong Sevens - Day 2
Credit: Mark Kolbe/Getty Images

The weather is finally getting nicer around the country, which means that bars are opening their gardens and roof decks. Day drinking is a classic spring/summer tradition--we all love an afternoon BBQ--but it comes with certain risks, such as dehydration from the sun and being hungover by 7 p.m.

To help you not make a fool of yourself, we've found some examples of people who got a little too excited about day drinking. The next time you hear yourself saying, "Well, it's five o'clock somewhere," remember these idiots.

1. You forget that bathrooms exist

Police in Florida recently arrested a man at 7:30 p.m. for allegedly exposing himself and defecating on the sidewalk outside a Burger King, then passing out beside empty cans of Four Loko. While it might be hard to find a public restroom at night, during the day you can just walk inside a fast food establishment.

2. You might destroy public property

When you're enjoying the sunshine, it's easy to forget that your actions have consequences. Like the Russian soldier who got hammered in the morning and drove his tank into a lamppost.

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Skinny Jeans Of Centuries Past

Posted 4/9/13 4:00 pm EST by in Funny

Premiere Of "God Bless Ozzy Osbourne" At The 2011 Tribeca Film Festival
Credit: Jason Kempin/Getty Images

Skinny jeans have likely impacted your life, whether or not you wanted them to do so. Your girlfriend might've bought you a pair for your birthday and suggested (demanded) that you wear them out. Or maybe you just laughed at this video of a dad ridiculing his son for wearing them.

Truth be told, though, skinny jeans are just the latest example of a female fashion trend sneaking its way into male wardrobes, which has been going on for centuries.

1. Powdered Wigs

In the 18th century, not wearing a powdered wig to a formal occasion would be like showing up to a wedding in a Hawaiian shirt. Sure, the powdered wig isn't the toughest look--unless you're George Washington--but we'd like to think it inspired every '80s hair metal band.

2. Tights

When guys in medieval times weren't busy jousting or slaying dragons, they were relaxing in skintight stockings. Unfortunately, tights might be making a comeback--be on the lookout for "meggings" or "manythose," which are even worse than skinny jeans.

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Today's Dumbass: Man Pawns His Wedding Ring To Pay Prostitute

Posted 4/9/13 11:00 am EST by in Today's Dumbass

Wedding Of Maria Riesch & Marcus Hoefl
Credit: Alexander Hassenstein/Getty Images

If there was ever a way to show your wife that you're unhappy with the marriage, this is probably it.

Martin Holmes of Greenwood, South Carolina allegedly visited a prostitute because of troubles at home. Police say that he admitted to paying for her...by pawning his wedding ring. Oh, it gets worse. Much worse. Because he only got $20 for it.

In terms of grand gestures to show a woman how much you value your relationship, this is basically the opposite of surprising her with a diamond necklace. Holmes might think his marriage is only worth $20, but just wait 'til he finds out how much a divorce trial costs.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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Today's Badass: 80-Year-Old Man Will Climb Everest...Again

Posted 4/5/13 2:00 pm EST by in Today's Badass

Aerial View Of Mount Everest
Credit: Paula Bronstein/Getty Images

If you think you're getting too old to play a game of pick-up basketball without feeling horrible the next day, then prepare to feel even worse about yourself. Japanese senior citizen Yuichiro Miura is about to climb Mt. Everest for a third time.

Of course, Miura--who's had four heart surgeries--isn't the athletic young man he used to be. When he previously climbed Everest, he was a spry 70- and 75-year-old. Reaching Everest's peak at 80 would make him the oldest person to ever conquer the mountain.

Miura isn't just a one-trick pony either. He's skied down the highest mountains on all seven continents, and he's already making plans to ski down Cho Oyu (the world's sixth-highest mountain) when he's 85. What could possibly drive a man to endure so much at such an old age? He's just following the family tradition; his dad skied down Europe's Mont Blac at 99.

We wish Miura the best on his third attempt, even if he does make our (unmet) goal of doing 10 pushups every morning seem insignificant in comparison.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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Criminals Are Stealing Fast Food Grease, The New Liquid Gold

Posted 4/4/13 5:00 pm EST by in Food, News

Obesity And Fast Food In America
Credit: Joe Raedle/Getty Images

If there's two things that guys love, it's greasy sandwiches and gangster movies. Well, you can now combine your enjoyment of fast food and organized crime--and even save the planet in the process. Consider a career in stealing grease from restaurants.

See, excess fry oil used to be worthless, but the rise in biodiesel fuel has made it a hot commodity among thieves. For example, Schwartz's, a popular deli in Canada, has had its grease stolen multiple times. So for all you aspiring Danny Oceans out there, stop planning your casino heist and do some surveillance at a local burger or taco franchise.

If you're still not convinced this is a good idea--because police won't buy your "helping rid America of its dependance on foreign oil" argument--keep in mind that Homer and Bart had the same plan in a "Simpsons" episode. And they would never do anything stupid.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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Today's Dumbass: Student Tweets 'YOLO,' Gets Suspended

Posted 4/3/13 11:00 am EST by in Today's Dumbass

YOLO
Photo: WFAA

You only live once, but you might repeat junior year. Kyron Birdine, a Texas high school student, wrote "YOLO" on the essay portion of his STAAR test (a state standardized exam) and tweeted the photo. Administrators, who considered it a "breach of security," suspended him for four days.

Although Birdine didn't photograph any questions or answers, it was probably a mistake to tag the local school district and the Texas Education Agency in the tweet. (He resented having to take the STAAR in addition to another exam, the TAKS.) Thing is, states takes these tests incredibly seriously. Too seriously. But if you don't feel like taking it, put the camera down and just fill in letter "A" for every question to get out early.

Whether or not the school overreacted, let's all agree that "YOLO" is friggin' over. The phrase only lived once, and now it's dead...just like your academic career if you tweet it.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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The Science Of Falling In Love

Posted 4/2/13 3:00 pm EST by in Funny, The Show

Old Vs New Chemistry
Credit: Orlando/Getty Images

Love has inspired the most beautiful poetry and the most embarrassing text messages. It makes us feel and act so strangely, and we've got no idea why...'cause we're not scientists, who are just beginning to understand how love changes our brain chemistry.

So the next time you fall head over heels for a girl, just remember: You're actually falling hormones over neurotransmitters.

1. Oxytocin

Sometimes referred to as the "love hormone" or "the cuddling chemical," oxytocin is released after orgasm to help form an emotional bond. Have you ever suddenly felt the desire to say "I love you" while cuddling after sex? That's because oxytocin has you just as whipped as your girlfriend does.

2. Vasopressin

Likewise produced after sex and linked with pair bonding. A study of monogamous rodents found that decreasing vasopressin levels increased partners. So if you ever accidentally cheat, don't blame it on the vodka; blame it on the vasopressin.

+ For more on falling in love, watch "Guy Code" tonight at 11/10c on MTV2

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The 5 Worst Ways A Guys' Night Out Can End

Posted 4/2/13 2:00 pm EST by in Funny, The Show

Large Glass Of Beer
Credit: Hulton Archive/Getty Images

When you and your boys are pre-gaming at your apartment, a guys' night out seems full of potential, like it's gonna be one of those Ciroc ads where Diddy, Aaron Paul and Frank Vincent are all hanging out for some reason.

Unfortunately, it probably won't end on a Vegas hotel rooftop with everyone raising glasses and toasting the sky. Here are some much more likely places where it'll end.

1. In The Hospital

Around 1:30 a.m., your friend (who has been "over-served") loses another game of pool to a stranger. The combination of alcohol and defeat are too much, so he throws a punch and breaks his hand. You call the ambulance, thankful that he only punched the wall, not his opponent from that motorcycle gang.

2. In Bed With Food

Eating a cheesesteak while you watch Netflix is better than landing in the hospital, but it wasn't exactly the goal at the beginning of the night. Still, it's comforting to know that no matter how many women shoot you down, you can always count on cheesesteak to be there when you need it.

+ For more on guys' night out, watch "Guy Code" tonight at 11/10c on MTV2

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Cool Things To Do With A Pet Monkey Like Justin Bieber's

Posted 4/1/13 3:00 pm EST by in Celebs, Funny

Edinburgh Zoo's Brown Capuchin Monkeys Have Record Breeding Season
Credit: Jeff J Mitchell/Getty Images

If you're a world-famous celebrity, you can do whatever you want...except, apparently, bring a pet monkey to Germany. That's what Justin Bieber discovered last weekend when German customs officials confiscated his capuchin because he lacked the proper documentation.

We had no idea that Bieber kept a monkey as a pet, but we respect him for it. And this got us thinking: What would it be like? What are the benefits? What are the pitfalls? In short, what is the Guy Code for owning a monkey?

1. Use It To Pick Up Ladies

Walking a cute puppy in the park is a great way to meet girls, so just imagine how often you'd score with a cute monkey. If your unusual pet makes them nervous, just explain that it's the monkey from that episode of "Friends." (You can also play the hero and say you rescued it from a life of riding dogs at NFL halftime shows.)

2. Use It To Steal Stuff

Aladdin had a kleptomaniac monkey, and so can you. Train your monkey to play innocent, like it doesn't know what an iPhone is, and then pull this trick:

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The 5 Absolute Weirdest Sporting Events

Posted 3/29/13 12:00 pm EST by in Funny, Sports

Annual Angola Prison Rodeo Turns Inmates Into Cowboys
Credit: Mario Tama/Getty Images

Aren't you tired of watching the same old, boring sports year after year? Aren't the Super Bowl and March Madness getting kinda dull? No? We don't think so either...but if mainstream athletics don't offer you enough action, there's plenty to be found elsewhere if you know where to look.

For example, betting your life savings on where a chicken will take a dump. You can't turn on ESPN and watch Skip Bayless and Steven A. Smith argue about these events, but maybe that's a good thing.

1. Angola Prison Rodeo

At the last prison rodeo in the U.S., spectators get to watch prisoners (who are not allowed to train or practice beforehand) ride bulls and rope broncos. There's even an event called convict poker where four prisoners play cards in the middle of the arena. The winner is the only guy that isn't kicked out of his chair by the bull. It's basically the closest thing we have to the Roman Coliseum.

2. Man Vs. Horse Marathon

This event in Wales tries to determine whether man or beast is supreme. Runners race against riders on horseback for 22 miles across various terrain. Although the event began in 1980, a human didn't win until 2004.

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