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Today's Dumbass: Burglar Plays With Himself, Toy Helicopter

Posted 4/30/13 11:00 am EST by in Today's Dumbass

helicopter guy
Photo via St. John's County Sheriff's Office

Here's the basic plan every criminal has for breaking and entering: Get in, get what you want and get out as fast as possible. However, Jason Vickery of St. Augustine, Florida seems to play by his own set of rules.

Police have charged Vickery with one of the most bizarre cases of breaking and entering we've ever heard. Allegedly, he broke into a house and began masturbating in the bathroom, then saw a remote control helicopter and quit masturbating to fly it outside. After tiring of the helicopter, police say, Vickery ate a salad (which he brought, didn't steal) and started masturbating in the bathroom again until he heard voices outside. He left the house and got arrested with "a bag full of marijuana, other drug paraphernalia, a wig, a towel and a pouch of chewing tobacco," according to a local Fox station.

Nothing about this makes sense. Did he break in to steal something and then get aroused? Did he want to test the helicopter before taking it? Why did he pack a lunch? The craziest part might be that he's health-conscious enough to eat a salad.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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What We Can Learn From Weird Adult Pulp Novel Covers

Posted 4/29/13 1:55 pm EST by in Funny, Photos

sinhelper
Photo via pulpinternational.com

If you think that society is getting more depraved as time goes on, you're probably looking back at the past through rose-colored glasses. As proof, check out these adult pulp novels from a few decades ago. They're just as deviant as anything today...the only difference is guys had to read them instead of going on the internet or watching cable.

Still, since they're books, maybe there's something of value to be learned from them. You can only find used copies on Amazon (gross), so we're not actually going to read them. But we will judge them by their covers to see if we can get any useful information.

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Today's Dumbass: Father Gives Meth-Laced Cookies To His Kids

Posted 4/26/13 11:00 am EST by in News, Today's Dumbass

Children Prepare Christmas Cookies
Credit: Andreas Rentz/Getty Images

Children should never take candy from strangers. Unfortunately, there are also times when they shouldn't accept it from their own father.

Chad Holm, of Des Moines, Washington, must love watching Paula Deen and "Breaking Bad." Holm is accused of lacing cookies with meth and giving them to his five and seven-year-old sons who later tested positive for the drug. Holm wasn't trying to invent the most addictive dessert of all time. He was trying to get his kids to fail a drug test so he would be awarded custody over his wife.

Holm and his wife both used meth together in the past, but his wife recently failed a drug test after being clean for a year. After she and the kids all tested positive, she remembered the cookies Holm had given them that tasted too terrible to finish. The cookies were later tested and were positive for meth. Holm denies lacing the drugs, although an investigation recently proved that he forged his own drug tests to come out negative.

To get custody, do the work and go to rehab. Don't go to your dealer and then the grocery store.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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The 10 Ugliest NFL Draft Day Fashion Choices

Posted 4/25/13 11:55 am EST by in Funny, Sports

2011 NFL Draft
Credit: Chris Trotman/Getty Images

Today's NFL draft finally gives football fans a welcome respite from languishing in boredom since the end of last season. For many of us, the outcome of this draft will determine our happiness levels for the next several years. If your team selects the next Peyton Manning, you can eagerly anticipate multiple playoff appearances. If your team picks the next Ryan Leaf, get ready to spend countless Sundays screaming at the TV with white-hot rage.

Only time can tell us which players will rise to the top, but there's one thing we can judge them on immediately...their style. Sure, it might not correlate to success on the field, but draft day style has been a low moment for many NFL players.

JaMarcus Russell

2007 NFL Draft - April 28, 2007
Credit: Richard Schultz/Getty Images

JaMarcus Russell wasn't the first (and won't be the last) player to wear an all-black suit/shirt/tie combo, but it always sets a tone about as depressing as Russell's career.

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Today's Dumbass: Man Tries To Steal Porsche, Can't Drive Stick

Posted 4/17/13 4:00 pm EST by in Today's Dumbass

157404237
Credit: ShyMan

So many cars have automatic transmissions these days, you can get by without knowing how to drive a stick-shift. Unless, that is, you're a professional carjacker.

According to prosecutors, Anthony Reynolds of Newark, New Jersey tried to steal a Porsche 911 Turbo, ordering its driver out of the luxury car with a .38 caliber revolver. His plan for a quick getaway allegedly came to a screeching halt, however, once he realized he didn't know how to operate a manual transmission.

The Porche's owner got the attention of police, who say Reynolds fled on foot. Maybe he'd played a little too much "Grand Theft Auto," and had no idea that some cars--usually nice ones like a Porsche 911 Turbo--require old-school knowledge. Being a carjacker, it turns out, doesn't necessarily make you a "car guy."

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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Today's Dumbass: Cop Accidentally Eats Weed Cake, Freaks Out

Posted 4/15/13 1:00 pm EST by in Today's Dumbass

Afghan Cannabis Farmers See Crop Prices Rise
Credit: Paula Bronstein/Getty Images

Although breakfast is the most important meal of the day, this guy might stick to cereal if he wants to feel like a champion.

A few weeks ago, Mike Berkemeier, police chief of Laurelville, Ohio, woke up hungry. So he went to the kitchen and ate his daughter's cake. And not just a slice. He told reporters, "I ate it. I ate the whole thing."

Berkemeier felt that the cake wasn't agreeing with him. He showed up for work, but started tweaking out. Other officers soon took him to the hospital. "I felt like I was out of my mind...I thought I was dying," Berkemeier said.

Doctors tried to figure out what was wrong. Eventually, Berkemeier's daughter called with the diagnosis: The cake was baked with a huge amount of cannabis oil.

Two lessons can be learned here: You should eat a healthy breakfast (or at least a donut), not a friggin' cake. Also, if your dad is a policeman--let alone the chief--don't hide your stash in plain sight...especially if it's slathered in chocolate.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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The 5 Worst Jobs In History

Posted 4/15/13 12:00 pm EST by in Funny

Career Fair Held For Job Seekers
Credit: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

Sure, it's a tough job market for students graduating from college--many of them face a choice between flipping burgers and moving back in with their parents--but quit whining! Throughout history, there have been way tougher occupations. Do you really want to get paid to eat food off corpses? Or steal them for aspiring surgeons? Take that unpaid internship and get over yourself, 'cause you don't have it as bad as these guys did.

1. Sin-eater

Before the nineteenth century in England, people wanted to make sure that their family members were absolved of sins after death. So, in a cleansing ritual, they'd place a crust of bread on the corpse's chest, which would supposedly absorb the deceased's sins, and then hire a sin-eater to consume it. Not only did sin-eaters make a quick buck for ingesting all that evil, they also got a free meal. Not a bad gig!

2. Gong Farmer

"Janitor" isn't considered a cushy job today, but it's definitely an improvement over the gong farmer of Tudor England. Before modern plumbing, gong farmers shoveled piles of human waste from cesspits, and transported those piles outside the town. If you showed a picture of a toilet to a gong farmer, he'd cry tears of joy over its sheer beauty.
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PDAbomination: Google Street View Captures Couple Having Sex

Posted 4/12/13 11:00 am EST by in Funny, News

Couple-caught-having-sex-on-the-roadside-on-Dukes-Highway-Southern-Australia-1823706
Photo via mirror.co.uk

We've all gone overboard with public displays of affection, but for most of us, the only witnesses were the few people still at the bar at 4 a.m. For this Australian couple, however, the audience was considerably larger.

When the Google Street View car drove down Dukes Highway in South Australia, it captured two people seemingly boning on the side of the road. The woman waved at the camera as the man stood behind her with his pants around his ankles, drinking a beer.

Although Google Street View has captured embarrassing moments before, there's speculation that this one is staged. A Reddit user claims it's "me and my missus," and that they sped up to pose for the photo after seeing Google's car.

If he's telling the truth (and who on the internet isn't?), he at least took advantage of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Still, speeding down back roads with beer in your car is definitely not worth trending online for a day.

Google has since censored the image, because nobody has ever used Google to find images of people having sex.

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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Today's Dumbass: Guy Strangled For Repeatedly Singing 'Thrift Shop'

Posted 4/11/13 5:00 pm EST by in Music, Relationships, Today's Dumbass

Macklemore And Ryan Lewis, Jennifer Hudson And Magic Johnson With 15,000 Youth At We Day Seattle
Credit: Handout/Getty Images

No matter how great a song is, you can only hear it so many consecutive times before snapping. A single-track playlist on repeat can break prisoners, and can also break relationships.

For example, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis's "Thrift Shop" is a great enough jam to make the 2013 MTV Movie Awards playlist. But when 26-year-old Lars Hansen of Boulder County, Colorado, sang it over and over on his birthday, his girlfriend Samantha Malson (who had asked him to stop "25 times") allegedly choked him to make it cease.

Why didn't Hansen stop singing? According to police, it might've been revenge. The couple had been fighting because "Hansen accused Malson of drinking all the alcohol in the house." In fact, cops say, "his face was flushed and it was difficult to tell if the redness was from alcohol intoxication or from Malson grabbing his neck."

Regardless, she's now facing domestic violence and harassment charges. On the bright side, at least this couple finally has a tune they can consider "their song."

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Neal Stastny (@NealStas) is a comedian and writer in New York.

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