Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
Here's the basic plan every criminal has for breaking and entering: Get in, get what you want and get out as fast as possible. However, Jason Vickery of St. Augustine, Florida seems to play by his own set of rules.
Police have charged Vickery with one of the most bizarre cases of breaking and entering we've ever heard. Allegedly, he broke into a house and began masturbating in the bathroom, then saw a remote control helicopter and quit masturbating to fly it outside. After tiring of the helicopter, police say, Vickery ate a salad (which he brought, didn't steal) and started masturbating in the bathroom again until he heard voices outside. He left the house and got arrested with "a bag full of marijuana, other drug paraphernalia, a wig, a towel and a pouch of chewing tobacco," according to a local Fox station.
Nothing about this makes sense. Did he break in to steal something and then get aroused? Did he want to test the helicopter before taking it? Why did he pack a lunch? The craziest part might be that he's health-conscious enough to eat a salad.
If you think that society is getting more depraved as time goes on, you're probably looking back at the past through rose-colored glasses. As proof, check out these adult pulp novels from a few decades ago. They're just as deviant as anything today...the only difference is guys had to read them instead of going on the internet or watching cable.
Still, since they're books, maybe there's something of value to be learned from them. You can only find used copies on Amazon (gross), so we're not actually going to read them. But we will judge them by their covers to see if we can get any useful information.
Children should never take candy from strangers. Unfortunately, there are also times when they shouldn't accept it from their own father.
Chad Holm, of Des Moines, Washington, must love watching Paula Deen and "Breaking Bad." Holm is accused of lacing cookies with meth and giving them to his five and seven-year-old sons who later tested positive for the drug. Holm wasn't trying to invent the most addictive dessert of all time. He was trying to get his kids to fail a drug test so he would be awarded custody over his wife.
Holm and his wife both used meth together in the past, but his wife recently failed a drug test after being clean for a year. After she and the kids all tested positive, she remembered the cookies Holm had given them that tasted too terrible to finish. The cookies were later tested and were positive for meth. Holm denies lacing the drugs, although an investigation recently proved that he forged his own drug tests to come out negative.
To get custody, do the work and go to rehab. Don't go to your dealer and then the grocery store.
Today's NFL draft finally gives football fans a welcome respite from languishing in boredom since the end of last season. For many of us, the outcome of this draft will determine our happiness levels for the next several years. If your team selects the next Peyton Manning, you can eagerly anticipate multiple playoff appearances. If your team picks the next Ryan Leaf, get ready to spend countless Sundays screaming at the TV with white-hot rage.
Only time can tell us which players will rise to the top, but there's one thing we can judge them on immediately...their style. Sure, it might not correlate to success on the field, but draft day style has been a low moment for many NFL players.
Credit: Richard Schultz/Getty Images
JaMarcus Russell wasn't the first (and won't be the last) player to wear an all-black suit/shirt/tie combo, but it always sets a tone about as depressing as Russell's career.
You've fought over whether to change your relationship status. You've argued about including her in your profile picture. And now, your girlfriend might want you to split a Facebook account with her. No matter how common this gets, it's breaking Guy Code.
Because whether you're sharing drunken photos or strange political beliefs, your Facebook account is for expressing yourself as an individual. That's the whole reason Facebook was created. Being in a couple doesn't mean that you're not your own man--at least, it shouldn't--so why represent yourself that way online?
So many cars have automatic transmissions these days, you can get by without knowing how to drive a stick-shift. Unless, that is, you're a professional carjacker.
According to prosecutors, Anthony Reynolds of Newark, New Jersey tried to steal a Porsche 911 Turbo, ordering its driver out of the luxury car with a .38 caliber revolver. His plan for a quick getaway allegedly came to a screeching halt, however, once he realized he didn't know how to operate a manual transmission.
The Porche's owner got the attention of police, who say Reynolds fled on foot. Maybe he'd played a little too much "Grand Theft Auto," and had no idea that some cars--usually nice ones like a Porsche 911 Turbo--require old-school knowledge. Being a carjacker, it turns out, doesn't necessarily make you a "car guy."
Although breakfast is the most important meal of the day, this guy might stick to cereal if he wants to feel like a champion.
A few weeks ago, Mike Berkemeier, police chief of Laurelville, Ohio, woke up hungry. So he went to the kitchen and ate his daughter's cake. And not just a slice. He told reporters, "I ate it. I ate the whole thing."
Berkemeier felt that the cake wasn't agreeing with him. He showed up for work, but started tweaking out. Other officers soon took him to the hospital. "I felt like I was out of my mind...I thought I was dying," Berkemeier said.
Doctors tried to figure out what was wrong. Eventually, Berkemeier's daughter called with the diagnosis: The cake was baked with a huge amount of cannabis oil.
Two lessons can be learned here: You should eat a healthy breakfast (or at least a donut), not a friggin' cake. Also, if your dad is a policeman--let alone the chief--don't hide your stash in plain sight...especially if it's slathered in chocolate.
Sure, it's a tough job market for students graduating from college--many of them face a choice between flipping burgers and moving back in with their parents--but quit whining! Throughout history, there have been way tougher occupations. Do you really want to get paid to eat food off corpses? Or steal them for aspiring surgeons? Take that unpaid internship and get over yourself, 'cause you don't have it as bad as these guys did.
Before the nineteenth century in England, people wanted to make sure that their family members were absolved of sins after death. So, in a cleansing ritual, they'd place a crust of bread on the corpse's chest, which would supposedly absorb the deceased's sins, and then hire a sin-eater to consume it. Not only did sin-eaters make a quick buck for ingesting all that evil, they also got a free meal. Not a bad gig!
2. Gong Farmer
"Janitor" isn't considered a cushy job today, but it's definitely an improvement over the gong farmer of Tudor England. Before modern plumbing, gong farmers shoveled piles of human waste from cesspits, and transported those piles outside the town. If you showed a picture of a toilet to a gong farmer, he'd cry tears of joy over its sheer beauty. Read More...
We've all gone overboard with public displays of affection, but for most of us, the only witnesses were the few people still at the bar at 4 a.m. For this Australian couple, however, the audience was considerably larger.
When the Google Street View car drove down Dukes Highway in South Australia, it captured two people seemingly boning on the side of the road. The woman waved at the camera as the man stood behind her with his pants around his ankles, drinking a beer.
Although Google Street View has captured embarrassing moments before, there's speculation that this one is staged. A Reddit user claims it's "me and my missus," and that they sped up to pose for the photo after seeing Google's car.
If he's telling the truth (and who on the internet isn't?), he at least took advantage of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Still, speeding down back roads with beer in your car is definitely not worth trending online for a day.
Google has since censored the image, because nobody has ever used Google to find images of people having sex.
Why didn't Hansen stop singing? According to police, it might've been revenge. The couple had been fighting because "Hansen accused Malson of drinking all the alcohol in the house." In fact, cops say, "his face was flushed and it was difficult to tell if the redness was from alcohol intoxication or from Malson grabbing his neck."
Regardless, she's now facing domestic violence and harassment charges. On the bright side, at least this couple finally has a tune they can consider "their song."