Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
There are two types of guys in this world: Those who don'twant girls to kick them in the nuts, and those who ask girls to do so. It sounds strange, but a quick YouTube search shows plenty of guys who request this, uh, favor. The results are painful. Prepare to wince, because girls can do some serious damage. (NSFW language, for completely understandable reasons.)
1. The Sneak Shot
Starting Friday on MTV, watch MANCATION WEEKEND 2! Win free schwag by tweeting #mancation and correctly guessing how many times someone gets kicked in the testicles. Read More...
If you ever doubt that America is truly the land of opportunity, look no further than the abundance of testicle festivals held across this great land. "WTF is a 'testicle festival'?" you're probably asking. Well, friend, it's a celebration where people eat fried animal testicles, of course!
The testicles generally come from a bull and are called "Rocky Mountain Oysters" because the taste resembles fried oysters. With so many festivals to attend, we've narrowed 'em down to the most popular, so you can decide which best suits your testicle-easting taste.
1. Testy Festy
Testy Festy, held every year in Clinton, Montana, features wet T-shirt contests, the Undie 500 (men and women race tricycles in their underwear) and even a big ball contest for guys who aren't scared to drop trou...and aren't scared of that deep-fryer.
2. Olean Testicle Festival
What began as a small gathering of family and friends in Olean, Missouri, now provides thousands of people with their testicle fix. The event features live music and a "motorcycle burn-out contest." There's no better way to spend an afternoon than by hanging with bikers and eating testicles.
Starting Friday on MTV, watch MANCATION WEEKEND 2! Win free schwag by tweeting #mancation and correctly guessing how many times someone gets kicked in the testicles.
If you were allowed to bet on such things in Las Vegas, what do you think the odds would be that contributors to a skate skateboard-related humor magazine, a failed actor and a Florida clown would make a television series that would last three successful seasons and spawn even more successful films? We're guessing they would have been pretty high. Had you placed a bet prior to April of 2000, you would have cleaned up after the first season of "Jackass" aired on MTV.
Starting Friday on MTV, watch MANCATION WEEKEND 2 featuring the "Jacksass 3D" premiere on Saturday at 10p EST! Win free schwag by tweeting #mancation and correctly guessing how many times someone gets kicked in the testicles.
Phillip Clapp (AKA Johnny Knoxville) left his hometown of Knoxville after high school and moved to Los Angeles to pursue an acting career. After working as an extra and appearing in a few commercials, he pitched the idea of testing self-defense devices on himself to skateboarding magazine Big Brother.
As common as plastic surgery has become, it still feels strange to discover that a guy's had work done. If you want to look better, just eat healthily and do some pushups. Still, the motivation behind plastic surgery -- the desire to look younger -- is at least understandable.
But then there are people who don't want to look younger; they want to look like a plastic doll or a different species or a mythological creature. Here are guys whose plastic surgeries will make any impulsive tattoo look like a good decision in comparison.
1. To Look Like A Cat
Photo: Getty Images
Most guys prefer dogs to cats, but Dennis Avner preferred to be a cat. He set the record for body modifications after a Native American chief told him to "follow the ways of the tiger."
Everything was harder back in the day -- way back, before science -- and avoiding sex's unwanted consequences was no exception. Thankfully, technology has progressed to the point where contraception is effective and easily attainable. So instead of complaining about condoms, just be grateful that you don't have to carry weasel testicles in your wallet in case you get lucky.
1. Onion Juice
Ancient Egyptians' building techniques are impressive even by today's standards, but their contraceptive practices leave a lot to be desired. The men would soak their penises in onion juice to prevent pregnancy. Imagine how awkward it'd be to explain that you're not crying because you're sad; you're crying because of your onion-lubricated dick.
2. Goat Bladder
Condoms have been around long enough for actual Trojans to have worn Trojans, but -- since they didn't have latex -- ancient Romans would use condoms made from goats' bladders. We're guessing these did not come in "ultra-thin" or "ribbed for her pleasure" varieties.
Here's a good rule to live your life by: Never mouth off to a former boxing world champion unless you are also a former boxing world champion.
It's been a while since Rocky Lockridge earned the WBA super featherweight championship by knocking out Roger Mayweather in the first round, but it looks like he hasn't lost his punch. It's hard to hear what's being said in the video; but judging by the unknown man's body language, he decided it was a good idea to insult Lockridge to his face. A decision the dumbass has to regret making.
We don't know why the man started to launch verbal abuse at Lockridge. Maybe he drank too much of whatever was in that 16oz can he was carrying? Whatever the reason, don't pick a fight with a former world champion. Even if he hasn't fought professionally in several years, even if he's been struggling with health problems, you just shouldn't do it.
Unless, of course, you want to get knocked out in about .2 seconds.
Now that the weather is warming up and beach season is approaching, it's time for guys with chest hair to make some decisions. Do they shave completely, do some trimming or keep it natural? Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of making this decision is that there are only three options to choose from. When deciding what to do with facial hair, you can choose from several types of ridiculous mustaches alone. For those of you who with chest hair, we've found some options for designs you may want to use if you're feeling creative, bold and/or stupid. Read More...
We've all had "friends with benefits" relationships, and most of them end badly when one person becomes much more attached than the other. That partner wants to start actually dating, which is what you were trying to avoid to begin with. The only "benefit" in this friendship is sex--but there are other kinds of friends with benefits that rarely cause much trouble. They're not as exciting, but they'll probably be healthier in the long run.
1. Friends With Premium Cable
You want to watch the newest episode of "Game of Thrones" when it airs, so you won't accidentally read spoilers on Twitter. The only problem is that you're too broke to pay for HBO...which is why you need a buddy with disposable income. All he asks is that you bring over a six-pack, and you can watch whatever you want. He gets beer, you get TV. Everyone wins in this relationship!
2. Friends With A Bartending Job
When you get older and look back on your life, you might realize that the best friend you ever had was the one who poured your pints. A bartender buddy can save you a lot of money and help you meet a lot of girls. He gives you free drinks, and you give him a nice tip at the end of the night. That goes right in his pocket, and you go home with a few extra numbers in your phone.
How could you be so inconsiderate? This is the woman who gave birth to you, cared for you, and you couldn't even remember to make so much as a phone call on Mother's Day? Shame on you!
OK, enough guilt. Now it's time to figure out how you should handle this. Your options aren't as simple or easy as buying flowers, but you should've done that yesterday.
1. Blame It On Amazon
Sometimes to spare Mom's feelings (and to cover your own ass), you have to tell a little lie. Call her on Monday and ask how she likes her gift. When she says she didn't get it, act surprised and angry at those jerks at Amazon. Then tell her you love her, hang up, go online ASAP and pay extra for overnight delivery.
2. Pretend It Was A Prank
Spend serious cash on something really nice, something that looks like it required a lot of thought. Give it to Mom and say, "Surprise! I bet you thought I really forgot Mother's Day!" She will probably think this is a horrible idea, but she also probably thinks you're enough of a f***-up to actually do it.
Now that the school year is wrapping up, it's time for seniors everywhere to start planning their senior pranks. All seniors want theirs to be epic, but coming up with the perfect prank is incredibly difficult. If it's too lame, no one will care. If it's too extreme, you won't be allowed to graduate, you'll lose your college acceptance...and you might go to jail. Arguably, the latter scenario is worse, judging by these instances of pranks gone wrong.
1. Zip Ties And Soap
In 2010, students in Ohio were arrested for breaking into their school at night, zip-tying lockers shut and putting soapy water on the commons floor. Although the school was reluctant to enforce any penalties due to the lack of actual property damage, you've gotta know how to disable high-tech security systems if you don't want the cops involved.
2. The Wet Bandits
In 2011, three Missouri students broke into their school, filled up a pool in the commons area and covered the floor with soapy water. (Is this a cool trend?) The only problem: They left the water running, and the school flooded. One simple mistake and this prank went from no property damage to thousands of dollars in repairs and felony charges.