Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
Photos: Jason Merritt/Getty Images, Ethan Miller/Getty Images
Most celebrities who hit the hardcourt for the NBA's annual celebrity game (modeled on MLB's Celebrity Softball Game and probably MTV's Rock N' Jock) just make the real players fall asleep. But a few, from A-listers to D-listers, have surprising athletic talent.
Even the most rotten, loathsome athletes possess some positive quality. For example something that makes you say, "I'd like to gouge his face with a salmonella-infested spork, but dammit, he was really nice to that sweet old lady."
Forbes recently released its 2013 list of America's Most Disliked Athletes, which is "based on the latest public surveys from Nielsen Sports and market research firm E-Poll." But what are we -- the fans, observers and members of the media -- if we can't recognize a silver lining, a wrinkle of pleasantness or charity? Unforgiving and cold, maybe.
Not buying it? We're not sure either, but we've already committed to finding each athlete's redeeming quality, so let's do this s***.
Only a moron claims that real men don't cook. Food's the best, and your next BBQ will be even better with a Stone Age meat tenderizer and a teapot hilariously shaped like a boner. Here's a bunch of kitchen accessories--some homemade, others sold commercially--that'll help turn your kitchen into your man cave. Ready? Let's get cookin'.
It was just your average half court set by the UNICS Kazan of Russia's PBL basketball league, until the point guard passed it around the horn into a pair of unexpected hands. "UNBELIEVABLE!" writes the Russian fellow who uploaded the footage. "A Russian basketball coach has the assist of the year as his team score a three pointer."
Have you ever wondered how you stack up to the rest of the world? How about to another entire ethnicity? Do you need to figure out what condom size you are? Find out how you compare to the following ethnicities:
Wow, that's a whole lot of racial stereotypes. (Paging Jonah Falcon.) Too bad the only customer review at Google Play calls the sizer "worthless" and questions its accuracy: "According to this app, a 49 inch penis with a half inch girth wears XML condoms while a 2 inch penis with a 17 inch girth needs regular condoms. This app is super lame and I want my money back."
So, maybe guys should agree to stick with wooden rulers to measure our woodies. 'Cause the next time you make a call with your friend's phone, you just might be holding his penis skin cells against your face. All 49 inches of them.
Come hell, high water or a meeting place crying, "You're going to get arrested!", 20-year-old Portland call girl Christal D. Smith was going to meet her John. And she did -- only the client was not a client but a member of the Salem, Oregon Police Department that solicited her services through a website, phone calls and text messages. (By the way, that's a younger William Shatner from '80s cop show "T.J. Hooker".)
A genius she is not but you've got to respect her commitment to customer satisfaction. According to the AP, Smith drove 50 miles to the Salem PD, walked past uniformed officers toward an unmarked door where she tried to reach the dude. That's Manti Te'o level gullible right there. Police arrested her on charges of prostitution and promoting prostitution.
Anyhow, we're going to be at the 19th hole at Augusta tonight with Dave Chappelle, a bottle of Johnny Walker blue, some female extras from "Entourage," 200 pounds of blue crystal meth, and definitely no cops, if anyone is down.
A recent medical study has revealed that a large number of soliders in Germany's elite drill unit (Wachbataillon) have begun to grow breasts. Not a pair of boobs, but a single breast on the left side.
The condition is called gynecomastia (aka "man boobs" or "moobs"), which researchers have speculated is the result of the "mechanical impact of the carbine against the left side of the body during rifle drills," a collision that stimulates hormones that produce breast tissue.
Tough break for those soldiers who wear double-breasted coats but didn't sign up for the side effects. Gynecomastia occurs in a fairly high number of guys and it's a treatable condition, so take it up with your doctor if you've developed one or two moob(s). Read More...
We figured farmers produced an unlimited supply of chicken wings or that our favorite appetizer grew on a Buffalo Wing Tree somewhere in the Midwest. Sadly, this is not the case, and it turns out, the National Chicken Council (for real) said that last summer's drought jacked up the price of corn, which made it more expensive to feed chicken. The point is, there are fewer dead birds and approximately 12.3 million fewer wings available for consumption for this year's Super Bowl.
That's a terrifying prospect for sure. A Super Bowl party sans wings is very breaking Guy Code. So what can you do about it? Well, for starters, leave NOW to buy a ton of wings at Costco, Sam's Club, your local grocery store or just steal them from mom's freezer. Or trespass at a local farm, tackle a chicken and "do it yourself" (although we're not condoning chicken larceny). Alternatively, call Hooters to check in on their wing supply. That said, nobody actually knows if Hooters serves wings. Just boobs. Don't forget the hot sauce, friends.