Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
Most of us fantasize about what we'd do if we bought a winning lottery ticket. None of those fantasies include going to the hospital, then going to jail, 'cause we immolated our home during a celebratory meth binge.
But according to Kansas authorities, that's exactly what two brothers did, emptying two large cans of butane lighter fluid near their furnace's pilot light. "As you might expect, ka-boom," said a sergeant with the Wichita Police Department.
One of the bros, a 27-year-old, sustained second-degree burns on his hands, arms and chest. (He wore a lottery t-shirt during the explosion.) Talk about a reversal of fortune on par with Hurley's from "Lost," and dozens of other lives ruined after a major windfall.
The sad part is that $75,000--a nice chunk of cheddar, sure--isn't enough to quit your day job over, let alone ruin your life over. Maybe if the brothers had won the full jackpot, they would've torched the entire block?
Every now and then, you see a ridiculously hot chick dating a total schlub. It's like "Beauty and the Beast," without the happy ending, because you're not that schlub. On next week's "Guy Code," Andrew Schulz goes out on the streets to ask New Yorkers about "How'd-he," as in "How'd he get with her?"
How did that shaggy, dorky-looking, poor man'S version of Malcolm Gladwell bag the magnificently beautiful Christina Hendricks? The lucky guy probably spends the better portion of every night nestled in and around her bosom, stroking her locks of luscious red hair.
She said of her first encounter with Arend: "Geoffrey walked in and I was like, 'Who is this guy?' He had amazing hair and was all disheveled--he was running late and everyone was waiting for him. He just came in with this very high energy."
"I cracked it out in such a big way," she said of their first date. "I was like, 'You make me want to have a family.' I freaked him out a bit...Thank God I didn't spook him enough to make him leave."
The Harlem Shake YouTube dance craze has its detractors who say that the amorphous movement doesn't even resemble the original, a 30-plus-year-old shoulder popping move introduced by Harlem's Al Bm in 1981. Other detractors say it's just played out.
Whatever, and false. Anything that compels a group of people to gyrate wildly shirtless (or in chicken costumes) while standing on top of furniture is pretty damn excellent, in our book. It's pretty much the greatest thing to happen to the Internet this year. So let your shoulders loose, take your pants off and stay awhile.
After you watch these four-second before/after GIFs, watch the videos for the full experience. And of course, pop open Baauer's "Harlem Shake" for full listening effect.
Nobody can accuse Las Vegas restaurant Heart Attack Grill of false advertising. The eatery just lost its second unofficial spokesperson from...yes, a heart attack, at age 52.
John Alleman, who ordered a "Single Bypass Burger," fries and a soda almost every day, suffered a massive coronary near the restaurant. He'd often stand outside it, convincing strangers to come in for lunch.
"He lived a very full life," Heart Attack Grill owner Jon Basso told the Las Vegas Sun. "He was definitely one of the boys and so much one of the boys that half the time it seemed like he was running the place."
Alleman wasn't paid for his evangelizing. (Nor was his predecessor, 575-pound Blair River, who died in 2011.) Now the restaurant is seeking a new greeter with a passion for burgers and a willingness to become another statistic in America's obesity epidemic.
But who are we to criticize? Alleman literally died doing what he loved: Eating gigantic burgers and socializing with friends. We all want to go out happy, and what could make a guy happier than a 9,982-calorie, three-pound Quadruple Bypass Burger? His diet isn't for us, but if you leave this world with a smile on your face, then you did something right.
Young outfielders Collin Cowgill (now a Met) and Mike Trout looking to see what we'll come up with.
Pitchers and catchers have finally reported, which means that fantasy baseball owners must begin brainstorming clever, vile and/or entertaining team names.You know the routine... Out with the old: Winnie the Pujols, Fister Pujols, Oscar Meyer Wieters, Carry On My Heyward Dunn, Grand Theft Votto, The Bourn Supremacy, Yu Mamma's Uggla, Honey Nut Ichiros, Morneau After Pill, Cano Soup For You, You Don't Mess With The Johan, Melky Surprise, Huston Street We Have a Problem, Hanrahan Job, It Byrnes When I Peavy, Cuddyer Straits, Fielder of Dreams, Kershawshank Redemption and Latos Intolerant. And in the with the new, after the jump! We curated the best we could find on Twitter and the Web, and added a bunch of our own.
We're pretty fond of zombies around here, from "The Walking Dead" to harmless pranks. You know, the kind that don't risk causing widespread panic. So we're not sure we can 100% endorse the prankster who hacked a Montana TV station to alert several counties of an in-progress zombie apocalypse.
"Civil authorities in your area have reported that the bodies of the dead are rising from their graves and attacking the living," says a muffled voice, juxtaposed with a silly pancake commercial, which would make a crappy last supper.
Applicable Guy Code in this situation? Hey, you've gotta be prepared for anything, but also skeptical. If you have a crossbow or battle ax handy, go outside and check things out. Or call the police, like four concerned Montanans did. Your best bet, however, is probably to ignore the warning, because zombies aren't real. Here's the video:
Photos: Jason Merritt/Getty Images, Ethan Miller/Getty Images
Most celebrities who hit the hardcourt for the NBA's annual celebrity game (modeled on MLB's Celebrity Softball Game and probably MTV's Rock N' Jock) just make the real players fall asleep. But a few, from A-listers to D-listers, have surprising athletic talent.
Even the most rotten, loathsome athletes possess some positive quality. For example something that makes you say, "I'd like to gouge his face with a salmonella-infested spork, but dammit, he was really nice to that sweet old lady."
Forbes recently released its 2013 list of America's Most Disliked Athletes, which is "based on the latest public surveys from Nielsen Sports and market research firm E-Poll." But what are we -- the fans, observers and members of the media -- if we can't recognize a silver lining, a wrinkle of pleasantness or charity? Unforgiving and cold, maybe.
Not buying it? We're not sure either, but we've already committed to finding each athlete's redeeming quality, so let's do this s***.
Only a moron claims that real men don't cook. Food's the best, and your next BBQ will be even better with a Stone Age meat tenderizer and a teapot hilariously shaped like a boner. Here's a bunch of kitchen accessories--some homemade, others sold commercially--that'll help turn your kitchen into your man cave. Ready? Let's get cookin'.