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The football season's winding down, and that means fantasy football's ending even sooner. How are we supposed to live if we can't attribute fake points to actions we have no control over? Never fear, sports nerds, here are some alternative fantasy games to fill that void 'til fantasy golf season starts up again.
1. Fantasy Guys' Night Out
Before you hit the town with your boys, pick one of 'em as your fantasy player for the evening. Come up with a point system for his actions: Points given for drunken hugs, drunken fights and 20-minute conspiracy theory tirades. Automatic win if your player hooks up at the end of the night.
2. Fantasy Your Job
Going to your job is the worst of all the worsts, but make it more fun by selecting the most annoying guy at the office and seeing how many points he can rack up. Points are given for sending you a "funny" e-mail forward, making lame "Case Of The Mondays" jokes and getting yelled at by the boss for incompetence. Also: 10 points for every hour your player spends on Facebook.
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Everybody needs a little help now and then, but after a while your parents get f**king sick of sending you a bailout every week. What's the best way to ask for some cash without coming off like a drain on the family budget? Try some of these excuses out and maybe you won't have to worry about whether you'll be invited back for Thanksgiving next year:
1. "I just need a little help to get my professional selfie business off the ground."
2. "I haven't been able to go to work ever since I gave that orphan my kidney."
3. "Beer doesn't just grow on trees, Mom!"
4. "I spent all the money you gave me last month on Christmas presents...for you."
It's getting super cold outside, and for most of you that means you're getting super fat. Putting on some winter weight is natural, but how do you know if you're crossing the threshold from a couple extra pounds into the world of the morbidly obese? Here are a few things to look out for:
1. Whenever your belly size increases, you compare it to a new NFL offensive lineman.
2. You spent the last 20 minutes convincing yourself it's possible to "rock" sweat pants.
3. The cashiers at every nearby drive-thru address you by name.
4. Your family holds an intervention by throwing all your ice cream containers in the trash.
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Guys like to prank each other. Next to eating gross food, it's what we do best, but sometimes those jokes aren't jokes at all -- they're just you being a giant a-hole. Here are a few things avoid if you want to keep that friend to make fun of him again.
1. Shaming your bro in front of a girl.
2. Anything involving him seeing your junk.
3. Farting on or near a face.
4. Nut punches.
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There are some places that were made for meeting women. That's why bars, clubs and keg parties were invented. Then there's many places where you want to meet women, but you totally can't, unless you're a complete weirdo. Here are 10 spots where you need to control your urges, assuming you don't have an attraction to mace.
1. The melon aisle at the store.
2. A funeral...especially open casket.
3. A wedding, and you're the groom.
4. A restroom line. Great place to chat, 'til the pooping ruins it.
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College should be the best of times, but if you don't do it right, it can be the worst of times. Studying, partying and study parties are great, but the key to a successful college experience is the fine art of moderation. Are you the absolute worst at college? Here are some ways to find out:
1. You spend most nights prepping for your mascot audition.
2. You packed on the freshman 15…three times.
3. The only alarm you ever set is for 4:20.
4. You scored one woman's digits all semester: Your mom when she finally got an iPhone.
The first two episodes of "Guy Court" air tonight at 11p/10c on MTV2, and one of the cases involves a dude who broke up with his girlfriend by changing his Facebook relationship status. Sometimes you have to do unpleasant things face-to-face, not from the comfort of a smartphone. And some places are better for dropping the news than others. Calmly and truthfully at her place? Fair. But never, ever break up with a girl...
1. At the top of a Ferris wheel.
2. On your wedding day.
3. During sex.
4. At a funeral. (Unless you want to be the next burial.)
We're almost at the first quarter of the college year, and that means you've probably already done a ton of things to disappoint your parents. Lucky for you, they never have to know how gross you are! Here's a few lies you can slip Mom and Dad when they call to let 'em think you're still their sweet little angel.
1. "I sound tired? Yeah, I've been studying anatomy super hard lately."
2. "Can you send me some more money? It's for extra-extra tutoring."
3. "You can't believe all the pictures you see on Facebook -- that party is totally Photoshopped."
4. "No, I don't think my phone works at night."
Every group of friends has a loser. He's fun to have around, but when he isn't around, most of the time's spent making jokes about what a dope he is. Are you that loser? Here's 10 things to look out for to make sure everybody isn't laughing when you leave.
1. Whenever you show up, your friends go, "Oh, you're here."
2. Everybody ignores your request for game night.
3. There's an e-mail thread dedicated to reasons why you suck.
4. You can't get anybody to come with you to the ska concert.