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The 5 Unluckiest Guys Who've Ever Won The Lottery

Posted 5/22/13 3:00 pm EST by in Funny

Lottery
Credit: Scott Olson / Getty Images

If you were one of the millions of losers with a worthless Powerball ticket last weekend, count your blessings. From family betrayal to untimely death, these poor folks (well, rich folks) embody Biggie Smalls' lyric, "Mo Money Mo Problems."

1. Jeffrey Dampier

Dampier seemed to be doing the smart thing by using his $20 million payday to invest in a gourmet popcorn business. Unfortunately, an affair with his wife's sister went south and she killed him. Even if you can afford Armani suits, keeping it in your pants is the best way to avoid getting screwed.

2. Willie Hurt

Willie thought he'd never "hurt" again after winning $3.1 million in 1989, but he quickly lost it all to a cocaine addiction, a divorce and an attempted murder trial.

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Today's Dumbass: Pizza Delivery Guy Sold Cocaine With Calzones

Posted 5/17/13 5:00 pm EST by in Food, Today's Dumbass

pizza drugs
Photo: Police Handout

Usually when a pizza place tries to up-sell you on some coke, it comes by the liter and not by the kilo. But the NYPD is accusing 45-year-old Papa John's driver Ramon Rodriguez of delivering drugs in addition to pies.

Allegedly, Rodriguez's run as the Scarface of Sicilian food came to an end when he sold undercover cops $27,500 worth of cocaine hidden inside a box of chicken poppers. According to police, Rodriguez made over 19 such deliveries in uniform, often voicing concern that his drug deals were distracting him from his pizza duties.

Coworkers regarded Rodriguez as a model employee and were shocked to hear the charges...especially that he had $4,500 in cash at home. "He used to hit us for money for food and gas--we were always giving him $20 to $30 at a time," his manager told the New York Daily News, nevertheless adding, "He was the best driver I got."

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Sean Green is a standup comedian and podcast host living in LA.

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The 5 Hottest Teachers Fired For Being Too Sexy

Posted 5/14/13 1:00 pm EST by in Ladies, Photos

Olivia Sprauer
Photo: Demo Photography/ModelMayhem.com

Last week, 26-year-old Florida teacher Olivia Sprauer, pictured above, got fired from a Boca Raton high school over racy bikini pics that she'd posted online. "I'm too sexy for my job...LOL," she wrote in response. With a body like that, why waste your time handing out As and Bs when you can show off those amazing Ds?

Sprauer is just the most recent casualty of a disturbing trend: Hot teachers getting fired just for being hot. Here are four other educators who showed too much skin for superintendents to handle.

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The 10 Most Brilliantly Concealed Flasks

Posted 5/8/13 3:00 pm EST by in Funny

Hidden Flask
Photo: flasktie.co

Company picnics, baseball games, quality time with your family...summer is the ultimate drinking season. But why look like a bum, sipping out of a brown paper bag, when there are plenty of innovative and hilarious hidden flask options available?

For example, you can look sharp and feel sharp with the Flask Tie (pictured above). Your boss might even compliment you on your snappy appearance. Here are some other ingeniously camouflaged scotch delivery systems...

The Beer Belly Flask

beer belly flask
Photo: stupid.com

Trying to sneak beer into a baseball game? Even a seasoned security guard won't be able to distinguish between an actual beer belly and the beer belly flask. At $12 per plastic cup, they made you do this!

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A History Of The Hockey Mullet [Infographic]

Posted 5/6/13 1:00 pm EST by in Funny, Infographic, Sports

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Text: Sean Green (@seantgreen) is a standup comedian and podcast host living in LA
Design: Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian and former quarterback for the Philadelphia Phillies.

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Diehard Degenerate: Betting On The Kentucky Derby

Posted 5/2/13 11:00 am EST by in Funny, Sports

Kentucky Derby
Credit: Robb Carr / Getty Images

Sean Green hosts the Sports Gambling Podcast and is our expert on losing money.

The Kentucky Derby is full of longstanding traditions such as drinking mint juleps, girls wearing giant hats and everyone's favorite, running atop Porta Potties. The greatest tradition, however, happens off-course: Betting a week's paycheck for two minutes of action on an animal that has literally no idea what the hell is going on.

The Lingo

To avoid sounding like a complete douche by asking your bookie what a "trifecta" is, here's a quick rundown of horse gambling terminology:

  • Show = Horse gets third or better
  • Place = Horse gets second or better
  • Win = Don't overthink this one
  • Purse = Owner's payday for winning the race, this year $2.18 million
  • Box = Pick the horses in top two or three, no particular order
  • Exacta / Perfecta = Pick the first two horses in order
  • Trifecta = Pick the first three horses in order
  • Superfecta = Pick the first four horses in order and tell your girlfriend you need a "break" when you cash in huge

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6 Replacements For Angus T. Jones On 'Two And A Half Men'

Posted 4/30/13 12:00 pm EST by in Celebs, Funny, TV

Angust T Jones
Credit: Valerie Macon / Getty Images

Angus T. Jones, the kid from "Two And A Half Men," isn't returning for the 11th season because of religious reasons...and a rant in which he encouraged people not to watch the "filth on CBS." The show must go on, though, so let's help CBS cast a replacement.

1. Andy Milonakis

What has Andy Milonakis been up to since "The Andy Milonakis Show" went off the air? Posting hilariously profane hardcore rap videos, which would make a perfect plot line to drive his "dad" Jon Cryer crazy.

2. Macaulay Culkin

Looking to replace a wisecracking young man who used to be an adorable child star? Macaulay Culkin's phone should be ringing off the hook! Plus, Culkin and Kutcher with a guest cameo from Mila Kunis would be a ratings bonanza.

3. Jason Alexander

Yeah, he's a little old for the part, but George Costanza was America's original "half man" to Jerry and Kramer. Jason Alexander is the premiere short stature, short-fused sidekick...and if there's one thing he knows, it's how to get laughs from living with his parents.

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Our Ultimate NFL Draft Drinking Game: 'You Make The Call!'

Posted 4/25/13 1:55 pm EST by in Funny, Sports

NFL Draft Drinking Game
Credit: Al Bello / Getty Images

On paper the NFL draft sounds exciting--football, jerseys, Rodger Goodell getting booed! In actuality, it kinda drags on. Like most boring things, however, the NFL draft is much more entertaining with booze. It's time to trash those mock drafts, settle into your war room and prepare your team ("team" meaning "liver") for our drinking game, "You Make The Call."

First prepare the Draft Board. Find a table with ample space for a beer pong cup, a quarters game, flip cup and a center community cup. (TRUST US, WE KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING!) Next, split up the teams evenly between the people playing. You can do this by division, favorite teams or--if it's just two of you and you're real men--conferences.

Lastly, choose your own adventure...

1. "You're On The Clock"

When one of your teams is on the clock, so are you. You have to either make a beer pong shot, bounce a quarter in a glass or achieve a flip cup before your team makes their pick. If you miss a beer pong shot, your friend can move it to a different spot on the table. Miss a quarter shot, the glass gets moved an inch away. Miss a flip cup, fill it up and try again. Achieve your goal before your team picks...or chug the community cup!

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Today's Dumbass: Man Sues Derrick Rose For Making Him Fat

Posted 4/22/13 11:00 am EST by in Sports, Today's Dumbass

Derrick Rose
Credit: Jared Wickerham / Getty Images

Though Derrick Rose got medically cleared to play more than a month ago, he has still yet to do so, which understandably frustrates Chicago Bulls fans. What we can't understand is why Matthew Thompson, 25, of Peoria, Illinois believes he's entitled to damages.

Thompson claims that, by refusing to play, Rose has caused him emotional distress and mental breakdowns, which have led to obesity issues. Essentially, Matthew Thompson believes Derrick Rose is financially responsible for his fatness.

Are we to believe that if Derrick Rose were playing, this Chicago sports fan would be in amazing shape? When the Bulls were winning titles in the '90s their fans weren't exactly celebrating by chowing down on tofu. If Chris Farley and the Super Fans were around, they'd surely describe this as "Da Bull s#!%."

Matthew Thompson, you've broken Guy Code for creating a public record of your emotional eating, and for suing the best Chicago Bull since Michael Jordan.

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Sean Green is a standup comedian and podcast host living in LA

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The Greatest NBA Playoff Press Conference Outbursts

Posted 4/19/13 11:00 am EST by in Sports, Video

lebron
Credit: Getty Images

The NBA playoffs are known for defense, and it doesn't stop on the court. These press conference videos highlight players' and coaches' abilities to defend, reject and outright shut down reporters.

1. Avery Johnson

A good defense is the best offense, and Avery Johnson nails it here by putting the reporter on the hot seat. Johnson had every right to be upset; the 2006 NBA Finals were officiated by Tim Donaghy, the ref who went to jail for betting on games.

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