Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
The radio stations have long ago faded and your ass hurts something awful. It's road-trip boredom, and this summer it might happen to you. Our goal is to make sure it doesn't with this handy list of ways for you and your friends to stay entertained whether you're driving, riding in the passenger seat or tied up in the trunk.
1. See how many times you can drive by a cop while drinking an energy drink in a paper bag.
2. Count every Waffle House you see for four hours. Eat that many waffles at your next meal.
3. Everyone in the car drinks a gallon of water in an hour. First one to pee his pants loses.
4. Pick up a hitchhiker and see how long you can go without getting murdered.
5. Eat gummies for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Most colorful feces wins. Read More...
At this year's O Music Awards on June 19, three legends worthy of having their faces tattooed on your calf are up for the Analog Genius Award for using old technology in new ways. They are Neil Young, Beck and Jack White. (Daft Punk are also nominated, but we're not ready to elevate them to portrait-tat status.)
In addition to groundbreaking work, all three of these guys are lyrical sages. Their songs contain as many nuggets of relationship advice as lurid drug references. Today, we focus on the former. Here are enlightening pieces of relationship advice that worked for them and might work for you. (International fame, otherworldly creativity and millions of dollars probably help, too.)
After a breakup, don't be a baby. -- Neil Young
From "When Your Lonely Heart Breaks":
When your lonely heart breaks
Don't sit counting your mistakes
Don't be waiting
for love to come back
Don't be wastin' time
One of the great things about growing from boy to man is dropping the pretense of uber-masculinity that young guys cling to so desperately. A 14-year-old will pretend like he's not scared of anything, but a 24-year-old will admit that ants freak him the hell out. It's all about getting comfortable with yourself and not worrying about looking more macho than Randy Savage.
This transition is also defined by a man's ability to find things cute. A boy won't think a pile of puppies is adorable, but a man will say, "Awww." Here's our not-at-all comprehensive list of things that men should feel no shame about finding adorable. The shame only comes when you build Tumblrs dedicated to them. That's just weird.
Microbiologist Norman R. Pace recently ventured into the bowels of the New York City subway system to analyze the air taken in by millions of people who swipe and ride every day. His findings included one quote that caught our eye: "Every time you step down, you pressurize the air that's in your shoe. You stomp down, you squirt out a little warm air, carrying foot microbiology." That's a foot fart! The air in the New York City subway is full of toxic farts emanating from our feet! Fascinating stuff.
In light of this revelation, we now present six more examples of fascinating fart-based research. And please don't laugh. This is about science.
1. Women's farts smell worse than men's
Anecdotal evidence be damned, Danish and British gastroenterologists earlier this year found that a woman's fart is more likely to peel the paint off a wall than a man's. Ladies, this is one thing on which we'll gladly cede superiority.
Slapping a woman's ass without her permission is never OK. Slapping Beyonce's ass without her permission is both not OK and really dumb. As some moron in Copenhagen (or is it GROPEnhagen?) learned this weekend, it's a one-way ticket to a public shaming and disdain from all the women on the Internet.
It's also a clear violation of concert code -- those unwritten rules all people should abide by when attending a live music performance. Here are some others.
1. Throwing things at the artist
With the exception of underwear, objects should never be thrown at an artist performing on a stage. You have to be especially stupid to throw a wallet (now you've got to cancel your credit cards and get a new driver's license, dummy) as a fan did at a Kid Cudi show. That moron's punishment? A punch in the face from Mr. Cudi himself.
Graduation ceremonies are painfully boring. Remember what it was like, as a kid, to be trapped in front of a TV playing the news? A graduation is like that, but with ill-fitting robes.
That butt-numbing boredom inevitably inspires people to try spicing up the affair. Often, they'll make bad inside jokes that only half the crowd gets...while friends and family wish for an even bigger asteroid to strike the stage. But even inside (more like insipid) jokes aren't as bad as the worst thing that can befall a graduation ceremony: Someone pretending to trip as he accepts his diploma.
Until last week, Fond du Lac, Wisconsin was a nothing town with a goofy French name that most men would have never cared to visit. And then it abruptly became a religious site worthy of a pilgrimage by land, air or sea. Why the switch? Because of the righteous Bloody Mary above served at O'Davey’s Pub. This behemoth comes standard with popcorn, bacon, sausage, a slider cut in half, pickles, olives, vegetables, peanuts, weird looking cheese curds, tortilla chips, a chunk of nacho cheese and, somehow, beans. And it only cost $5.
This marvel of alcoholic ingenuity inspired us to further explore over-the-top Bloody Marys. What we found was awe-inspiring. All across this great nation there are brilliant bartenders appealing to fat drunks with cocktails that are more accessorized than Kesha on a red carpet. Here are some of our favorites: Read More...
Never hustle. Hustling only leads to tired legs, sweaty brows and in the case of Major League outfielders, embarrassing face plants in front of 40,000 people.
Washington Nationals wunderkind Bryce Harper is the latest outfielder to sprint head on into an immoveable object. It happened last night in LA and the immediate aftermath is above. Harper, known for his balls-(and now face!)-to-the-wall hustling, was immediately taken out of the game with blood running down his neck.
Don't feel sorry for him though. That's what he gets for hustling. One would think that outfielders have learned by now that loafing and not flattening your face is better than trying hard and hitting the DL. They haven't though and here are the GIFs to prove it. Most of these are from the past few years, with one classic thrown in at the end. Let them all serve as a reminder of the horrors of hustling.
As he exhibited once again last night, Manu Ginobili is a stone cold, dead-eye assassin. His game-winning three pointer in double overtime against the Warriors came minutes after he bricked a horrible three off the front iron. But Manu doesn't think about the past. He's got, as the great Bill Raftery would say, ONIONS.
He's also got the best bald spot in the NBA. In the picture above, taken not long after he ruined Steph Curry's night, Manu shows off his glistening pate with no shame. It's as if he's saying, "Yes, I'm bald. But I'll still drain a three right over your hair-having head." As a tribute to Manu, we look back at his magic chrome dome through the years.
A year and a half ago Manu's bald spot was about the same size as it is today but it hadn't yet given up the ghost. If you look closely you can see a thin dusting of wispy hair hanging on for dear life. Those lost of hair-hicans have since called it quits.
The fine ladies of "Girl Code" addressed the art of dancing on last week's episode. They had illuminating discussions on "boobie popping" and suggestively sucking straws (which we couldn't more highly recommend). But given the time constraints of TV, they couldn't address one of our favorite dance subjects: The killer dancer who looks like an awful dancer. We love a good surprise...and when it comes in the form of a doughy white guy in a park ranger uniform moving like he was in "Wild Style," we love it even more. Here are eight examples that prove the surprisingly awesome dancer is the best dancer of all.