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Today's Badass: 5-Year-Old Drives Car To Save Mom

Posted 5/20/13 10:58 am EST by in Today's Badass

kid steers car
Credit: WXII-TV

Usually our "Today's Badass" nominees are old enough to legally drive (or say "Badass" without getting their mouths cleaned out with soap), but five-year-old Caleb Taylor of North Carolina deserves the honor for steering his mom's car after she suffered a seizure.

"I was taking a nap, and I just woke up," Caleb recounted to a local TV station. "Then I saw her not driving."

So he climbed to the wheel from the backseat, shifted gears to neutral, swerved to the side of the busy road, removed the keys and found someone to call 911. Holy crap, this kid's cooler under pressure than we are. Even more incredibly, his father had prepared him for this exact scenario.

"I've always told him if a car runs away, turn the ignition off," his dad told reporters, adding that Caleb "knows how to start a car and hold a steering wheel, ride a lawn mower...you know, go carts."

The heroic tyke now wants to change his name to "Caleb Batman." Put it on his driver's license.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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Today's Dumbass: Guy Hides In Supermarket, Eats Himself Extra Stupid

Posted 5/15/13 12:30 pm EST by in Food, Today's Dumbass

trevor runyon
Bullitt County Detention Center

The problem with grocery stores, really, is that you can't eat and sleep and defecate on yourself in them. Why not make supermarkets more like nurseries?

Perhaps someday they will be, thanks to 30-year-old Sam Walton-esque visionary Trevor Runyon, whom police accuse of sneaking into a ValuMarket near Louisville, Kentucky around closing time...and then cooking a half-dozen steaks, in addition to devouring 57 cans of whipped cream, plus shrimp and birthday cake. And beer, obviously.

At some point, Runyon allegedly "went to bathroom on himself and got clothes to change into," and then "climbed into the rafters and went to sleep," according to a local NBC affiliate. Firefighters got him down from the ceiling, which must've been tough considering the approximately 5,000 pounds we're guessing he put on overnight.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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Today's Dumbass: Guy Hides From Cops In His Trunk...Twice

Posted 5/9/13 4:00 pm EST by in Today's Dumbass

maximilianschroeder

Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office

If you get pulled over for speeding, you'll probably try to get out of it with some good old-fashioned lies. "Sorry, officer, I must've missed the speed limit sign...my father was a policeman, by the way, and my love for him extends to all those who wear the badge."

That never works, though, so you might as well keep your dignity and accept the ticket like a man. Not like 28-year-old Maximilian Andrew Schroeder of West Boca, Florida, whom police accuse of playing hide-and-seek after they pulled him over at 3 a.m. for going about 20 mph over in a 35.

When police approached the red Mitsubishi, however, they couldn't find anyone inside. Mystified that "there was no one in the vehicle," they walked around it...at which point Schroeder allegedly jumped out of the trunk and drove away with "rapid evasive maneuvers." When authorities caught up to him 20 minutes later, they say, he hid inside the trunk again.

Yeah, the element of surprise only works once. Police arrested Schroeder for fleeing and marijuana possession. (Appropriately at 4:20 a.m.) Just stick with "I'm sorry, officer, it'll never happen again." Another lie.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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Breaking News: Women Are Attracted To Guys With Guitars

Posted 5/8/13 6:00 pm EST by in Ladies, Music

nerd guitar hot woman
Credit: ZoneCreative

If you're a multi-platinum selling rapper, you probably don't have much trouble getting laid. But for guys who aren't musical superstars, a six-string might be more helpful than a mic.

At least, that's according to new research from the University of Southern Brittany in France. Behavioral scientists had a 20-year-old dude ask 300 college-aged girls for their numbers. (Not the worst job in the world.) A third of the time he carried a guitar case, a third of the time he carried a gym bag and a third of the time he carried nothing.

With the ax, he got 31% of their digits. With nothing, he got 14%. And with the gym bag, he got 9%. Which confirms previous Israeli research on the subject, and raises a question: Why do girls despise gym bags so much?

It's not exactly shocking that ladies love men with musical talent, except that talent apparently isn't even necessary. Hell, a guitar isn't even necessary...all you need is a guitar case. If we'd known it was this easy, we would've never paid for lessons.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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French Company Makes Scented Underwear For Your Stinky Balls

Posted 5/8/13 4:00 pm EST by in Mansumer

scented underwear
Credit: Le Slip Francais

If there's two things guys hate, it's A) showering and B) doing laundry. Wouldn't it be fantastic if you had to clean neither yourself nor your clothes?

Thanks to French company Le Slip Francais, this dream of a hygiene-free utopia might soon come to pass. It's raising funds for "The Indomitable," a line of men's underwear that smells like pears after you break 'em in:

"You get the underpants and they smell of nothing; you put on the underpants, they still don't smell, but when you start walking, the underpants smell good. ... You want to change the world, you want to change things, start by changing your underpants!"

Yes, you read that correctly: The more your junk perspires, the better its aroma, thanks to "micro-capsules of perfume embedded in [The Indomitable's] cotton fabric." This sounds too good to be true, and we'll believe it when we see (and scratch/sniff) it. Which could be soon, 'cause the company has already raised $25,000.

At $46 per pair of briefs and $52 for boxers, they're not gonna be cheap...but hey, they'll pay for themselves in unspent quarters at the laundromat.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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'Mr. Balls,' Brazil's Testicular Health Mascot/Monster

Posted 5/6/13 2:00 pm EST by in Funny, News

mrballs
Photo: aapec.org.br

You might feel awkward when the doctor squeezes your nuts during annual physicals, but he's doing it for a reason: You have a 1-in-250 chance of developing testicular cancer, usually between the ages of 20 and 40. You don't wanna think about losing your sack, but you also wanna keep your life, so it's important to check yourself regularly.

However, guys are lazy and easily distracted. We begin to feel for lumps, then jack off and take a nap instead. We need someone--or something--to remind us about our health-related duty. And that someone/something is Mr. Balls, a giant, grinning scrotum that debuted (descended?) at a recent Brazilian cancer awareness festival, delighting everybody in attendance, except for those who need PTSD counseling now.

He's got eyes! He's got a couple teeth! He's got pubes...lots and lots of pubes. And he's got a message: RUN, RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN...to the nearest bathroom and perform a self-exam. More photos at Gawker and in your nightmares.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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Happy Cinco De Mayo: If You Don't Like Cilantro, You're Wrong

Posted 5/3/13 1:00 pm EST by in Food, Funny

cilantro

Taste is subjective, varying from person to person. Some of us prefer ketchup, some prefer mustard. Some of us prefer chocolate, some prefer vanilla. However, certain things--true things, like science, mathematics and Guy Code--are objective. And if you hate cilantro, you are objectively wrong.

Let's examine the facts. Most human beings love cilantro, as well they should. It's a staple of cuisines ranging from Asia to Africa to the Mediterranean to Europe to Latin America. So right off the bat, if you don't like cilantro, you're (statistically speaking) inhuman.

Have you ever eaten guacamole without cilantro? It's like having sex if you chopped your dick off. Celebrating Cinco de Mayo this weekend without cilantro would be like celebrating St. Paddy's in a Union Jack shirt: Ignorant at best, intolerant at worst. How did you get this way? No baby is born a bigot, whether against Irishmen or coriander.

Wait, you say, scientists believe cilantro aversion is genetic, so--due to a chemical reaction that makes cilantro taste like soap in my mouth--I was born hating it.

You were also born pissing and s***ting yourself, but that's not appropriate behavior over the age of three (and under the age of 80). Expand your palate! We thought beer tasted gross when we were 12, and now we put it on our Corn Flakes, along with cilantro.

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Today's Dumbasses: Perverts Crash Through Ladies' Restroom Ceiling

Posted 5/2/13 11:54 am EST by in Today's Dumbass

movie theater bros
Photo: Gwinnett County Police

These cinema buffs might've watched "Porky's" too many times. According to police, 26-year-old Eduard Petrovich Kovynev and 27-year-old Eduard Alexander Kovynev entered the men's restroom of a Georgia movie theater last weekend, then climbed into the ceiling and crawled over to the women's room for some peeping.

However, their plan allegedly (and literally) fell through when the ceiling tiles collapsed under their mutual weight. They reportedly landed smack-dab in a toilet stall, an undignified end to an undignified misadventure. Cops promptly arrested them for "invading the privacy of various unknown female customers" and criminal property damage.

Suspects are innocent until proven guilty, of course--maybe these guys are just plumbing aficionados who wanted to check out the theater's ductwork?--but if they were indeed checking out the women's, uh, "plumbing," they've broken Guy Code. You don't spy on ladies, you don't watch them poop...and you definitely don't do it with another guy.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog

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Today's Dumbass: Man Shaves His Whole Body To Avoid Drug Test

Posted 4/29/13 5:00 pm EST by in Today's Dumbass

chest shaving
Credit: Nicolas McComber

There are many dubious ways to pass a drug test, such as popping "all-natural" pills from sketchy websites or borrowing your best friend's urine. But we've gotta hand it to Roberto De Paz of Long Island. As part of a custody battle, a judge ordered him to present "a receipt confirming that he had paid for and undergone the hair follicle test."

He paid for the test, all right, except it couldn't be performed...'cause he had shaved every follicle off his body.

The judge held De Paz in contempt and gave him a 90-day jail sentence. However, the baby-smooth man appealed...and won on a technicality: The judge had instructed him not to get a haircut before the test, but didn't mention manscaping.

Even though De Paz is no longer headed to prison, we just can't endorse his actions. Drastic times call for drastic measures, sure, but nothing calls for a man taking a razor to every square inch of himself. Plus, it's gonna look super, super weird stoned.

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Is This Haystack The Urinal Of The Future?

Posted 4/29/13 12:55 pm EST by in News

hay urinal
Photo: Faltazi

Outdoor festival season is here, which means two things: Awesome musical lineups (like the Hangout Music Fest's in a couple weeks) and heinous Porta Potties. But what if you didn't have to lock yourself inside those disgusting, bacteria-ridden stalls? What if you could relieve yourself into a bale of hay, breathing fresh spring air, as nature intended?

Thanks to the French design studio Faltazi, we might all be soaking straw soon. This summer it's unveiling "L'Uritonnoir," the latest innovation in eco-friendly urinal technology. (Well, "technology" might be a stretch.) Faltazi is encouraging guys to conserve water and use our pee to save the environment: "Do not waste this valuable golden fluid by sprinkling on inappropriate surfaces!"

After you drink a few overpriced beers, you take a leak into the polypropylene funnel, which directs your "liquid gold" to the center of the haystack. The nitrogen starts a chemical reaction that creates compost for growing trees...or hops for brewing more beer:
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