Photo: Jason Verschoor
It's not difficult to make your mom happy on Sunday. All she wants is a card...and flowers...and maybe credit at the spa...and one too many mimosas at brunch. But really, she just wants to be proud of you, which is difficult if you get arrested right before Mother's Day. She doesn't want to spend her special day arguing with a bail bondsman or the county sheriff, sorting out your mess. Here are few dudes who definitely blew it for Mom this week.
1. The Guy Who Got Attacked By An Alligator While Running From Cops
Photo: Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office
Fill this under "Only In Florida." Twenty-year-old Bryan Zuniga allegedly bailed from his car during a traffic stop, scaled a fence and evaded police...but just when he thought he'd ditched the fuzz, he came face-to-face with an alligator behind a water-treatment plant. He survived, but Mom has to spend Mother's Day putting ointment on his alligator bites. Read More...
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So you've decided to make the leap from living in a place that smells like Doritos and sweat to a place with curtains and a working doorbell. No, you're not moving back in with your parents; you and your girlfriend are moving in together! Congratulations!
This can be a lot of fun and a great step in your relationship...but it can also be a nightmare if you don't know what you're getting into. And you need to consider that your life is going to change a little. Here are some tips for successfully adjusting.
1. Be Absolutely Certain
Cohabitation is a big move and there's really no going back. (Just try saying, "I'd like to keep dating you, but I'd rather live with my old roommate again...is that cool?") Make sure you aren't moving in with your girlfriend for the cheaper rent or just because she's pressuring you. Even if you're always at her place or she's always at yours, that doesn't necessarily mean you're emotionally ready to combine sock drawers.
2. Do Your Part With The Chores
Some guys expect their live-in girlfriends to cook, clean and do the grocery shopping while they just kill spiders and maybe take out trash once per week. Sorry, dude, that fantasy only exists on "Mad Men." There are no gender specific chores anymore. Here's your apron...what's for dinner?
3. Keep In Touch With Your Boys
Make sure not to fall into a domestic black hole with your lady and then forget about your friends. Do a night out with the guys--it's a good way for you and her to have some healthy time apart. Just remember that when you come home, you're crawling into bed with a sleeping, sober person who doesn't care for your booze-breath and snoring.
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On tonight's "Girl Code," the ladies are talking sluts, sluttiness and all things slutty, a sensitive topic that men and women approach very differently. The term can be used any way from a friendly nickname among sorority sisters ("I love you, slut!") to a pointed insult behind an enemy's back ("That slut's probably given half the school herpes") to a desirable personality trait ("She's the perfect girl, super hot and slutty").
Context is everything. Some women find the word offensive while others find it empowering; they embrace their sexuality and stand up against slut-shaming. But the fact is, women get called sluts for doing things that are totally not slutty! Considering it's 2013, it's time to review a few of them.
1. Wearing Hot Outfits
If a girl wants to go out to a club wearing a washcloth as a tube top, cheers to that! (And cheers to double-sided tape!) The whole "judging a book by its cover" reasoning is way past its expiration date; if you think a nuclear physicist or a human rights lawyer never throws on a low-cut cocktail dress for a night on the town, you better think again.
Women should be able to wear hot outfits--last we checked, guys didn't mind that--without being labeled sluts. And while you're at it, don't discount that buttoned-up librarian; she might be an extremely literate tiger in the sack!
2. Talking To Guys
Sometimes girls will call another girl a "slut" for chatting with dudes at the bar, like the band's lead singer or the bartender...and some dudes will also call her that. Not suffering from social anxiety does not mean she's down to have sex with a whole football team; it might just mean she likes live music and free drinks.
How is it that moms can give birth to you, raise you and help you through any difficult situation...yet still have no idea how embarrassing they can be?
With Mother's Day coming up, we thought we'd check in with the mother of "Jersey Shore" star Vinny Guadagnino, to get some tips on dealing with cringe-worthy mom moments. Since his mom is also his costar in his new show "The Show With Vinny," premiering tonight at 10/9c on MTV, he's got plenty of experience with mom-based humiliation.
Read on for the tips and a few sneak peeks from Vinny's new series.
1. Showing Baby Pictures
This is the classic mom move. She just can't get enough of how adorable you were as a baby, so she offers a peek to anyone who walks through the front door. One or two pics are harmless, but try to stop her before she breaks out the potty training shots. No one needs to see that.
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When a girl considers going back to your place, she has to take certain factors into account: Is the attraction strong enough for her to do the walk-of-shame tomorrow morning? Can she leave behind her friend who's crying into a phone on the sidewalk, cradling a broken shoe? Is this guy cool or creepy?
The latter is the most heavily weighed question, which is why it's important for you to come off as sincere and nonchalant with your invitation. Here are some lines that could help...and won't make you sound like a dirtbag.
1. "Wanna get pizza with me and my roommates?"
Everybody loves pizza after a night of partying, so invite her (and a bunch of her friends if necessary) back to your place for a late-night pizza party. Even if you don't get laid, you'll still get delicious pizza.
2. "I have 'Mad Men' Season 4 on DVD...you should come over and watch it."
She's mentioned that she loves this show (or any show/movie) a couple of times, so just ask if she wants to go watch it. A lot of girls secretly wish they were at home snuggled up watching TV instead of trying to dance to techno in four-inch heels.
Obviously, if you claim to own the DVD, you should actually have it--or at least the ability to stream it. If she gets back to your place and all you have to watch is every Wrestlemania ever, she's not gonna stick around.
Lying, cheating and sneaking around are not acceptable boyfriend behaviors and if you engage in them, statistics are not in your favor and you will most likely get caught. However, sometimes girls can get too paranoid, and the next thing you know they've thrown on their best detective jacket and are knee deep in a background search on you.
The ladies of "Girl Code" discussed their love for snooping on last night's episode, so here's how to protect yourself from an over-curious girlfriend...
1. Clear Your Search History
Look, girls know you're the worst version of yourself online, whether you're looking up dirty porn, playing online poker or commenting on "Star Trek" fan fiction threads. Whatever weird hobbies and fetishes you have, Firefox knows all about them. Lucky for you, browsers were invented by men with nosy girlfriends, which is why it only takes a couple of clicks for you to erase all your shameful transgressions. Start getting in the habit of cleaning up after yourself online.
2. Throw Away Receipts
If you buy some kind of sexy gift for a mistress and keep the receipt, you're too dumb for us to help you. But even if you're not cheating on your woman, it's a good idea to get rid of receipts that she could nag you about: Fast food, comic books and a bar tab from that night you said, "No, I really do wanna see 'The Big Wedding,' I'm just feeling sick, gonna lay low tonight." She will use it against you in a court of withholding sex. so might as well ditch the evidence immediately.
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For every girl who thinks her birthday is the most important day of the year, there's a boyfriend who thinks a lame card and a breakfast burrito make a killer gift. Birthdays might not matter to you, but if you mess up hers, you'll hear about it for the next 364 days. Here are a few tips for successfully planning some birthday magic for your lady.
1. The Morning Surprise
This doesn't have to be extravagant like a Lexus with a huge red bow on it--just do something to kick off the day. Breakfast in bed is a classic. Or sneak a "happy birthday" note into her bag. Or, if you're feeling inspired, give her a mini-gift (a dog collar) that hints at the real gift you're giving later (a leather bodysuit...or, uh, a puppy).
2. She's Already Told You What She Wants
Even if she didn't say outright, "Buy this present for my birthday," she's probably dropped hints--you just weren't paying attention. Has she mentioned wanting something recently? Has she mentioned wanting it a thousand times?
Also, remember: The money you spend isn't half as important as the thought you put into it. And don't just get her whatever your buddy got his girl; not all girls are into stuff made out of hemp.
Credit: Sports Illustrated
We all know that boobs are awesome, so why are there so many lame slang terms for them? The ladies of "Girl Code" will discuss the magic of mammaries on tonight's premiere, so here are a few nicknames for "the girls" that real girls are not into--you might refer to 'em this way with your friends, but don't even think about it in the bedroom...
You sound like a baby just learning to speak, who can't quite pronounce the word so your mom came up with an easier version. Get rid of it, and the same goes for "teetees."
Cantaloupes, honeydews, grapefruits…we get it, they're all spherical. But comparing our bodies to grocery produce isn't exactly a turn-on.
This makes boobs sound like they're attractions at a carnival, rather than actually attached to a living person that you probably want to make out with.
We're talking about boobs...why are testicles being thrown into the mix? It's pretty much unanimous that boobs are WAY better than balls, right? This word combo has got to go.
They say the magazine industry is struggling, but these publications (like "Crappie World" above) cater to very specific hobbies and continue to pump out new issues...even if we can't believe they're actually chilling on someone's coffee table.
1. Girls & Corpses
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Celebrities are used to having girls throw themselves at them--it's probably one of the reasons you've always dreamed about being a pro athlete or a Grammy-winning musician. But when fans take a turn towards Stalkertown, it's not cute, just freaky. Here are a few of the stalkers you can expect to encounter if you ever become famous.
1. The Hair Fetishist
As Wolverine, Hugh Jackman grows out a bunch of hair, but that doesn't mean he wants donations. This week, a crazed fan interrupted his workout at a New York gym, throwing a razor filled with her own pubic hair at him because A) she allegedly wants to be his second wife, not new wife, additional wife, and B) she's apparently not a fan of his current facial hair. Lady, this is not the way to get a man to shave.
2. The Kisser
Usually a celebrity's security team will prevent any physical contact with the public, but Vanessa Hudgens from "High School Musical" agreed to hug a female fan...who, mid-embrace, began kissing her neck. You won't actually want groupies once you realize that consent doesn't matter to them.