Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
Video games have been addictive since "Duck Hunt," but as the graphics and stories keep improving, you're more likely to get hooked. You'll lose the job you stopped showing up for. You might even forget to eat. We're not talking about "GTA V," because that game's worth it, but here are five games that you really don't wanna get stuck on.
"League Of Legends"
Even though "League of Legends" involves some of the best fighting we've seen, just learning how to play will cost you a night or two of sleep. By the time you've gotten good at it, you could have beaten the other four games on this list. As a rule, never play a game that everyone in South Korea is better than you at.
When a storm knocks out your electricity and running water, or when a zombie apocalypse forces you to live on an abandoned farm in the middle of nowhere, you need to know how to survive. You've seen plenty of survivalist shows that teach you manly things like hunting and building a tent out of bear crap, but what if no girls are around to do the cooking and cleaning?
No Navy SEAL or Delta Force commando would ever call that stuff "girly," because if it needs to be done to survive, then it needs to be done by whomever is available. If you don't learn these skills, then you won't be much of a man in an emergency situation.
Dudes pride ourselves on our ability to fix broken things...except for things like buttons, of course. For most of us, the closest we ever come to sewing is untangling the wires behind the entertainment system. Holes in clothing might be hip in times of peace, but if you're trying to stay warm in the middle of a war-torn winter, then you need to know how to patch those holes up quickly.
2. Cleaning Clothes
Most guys know how to throw our stank clothing into a washer and dryer and press start on both machines, but usually only girls know how to wash their clothes in a sink. And if you lose electricity for awhile, that sink is your only option.
When you were younger, people wouldn't give you Halloween candy unless you wore a costume. Now that you're grown up, the ladies won't hook up with you on Halloween for the same damn reason. Of course, some costumes will hurt your chances (like the one above, we're guessing), but others can help you find that temporarily special lady. Here are a few suggestions to give you an edge on the competition.
Get a big cardboard box and cut it into the shape of a booth that you can fit inside. You don't have to paint the box, but make sure there's a sign that says it's a "Kissing Booth," and specify how much it costs for a kiss. If you're into not being an idiot, charge 25 cents or less so you'll have customers.
Back in the aughts, the Internet kept track of the most head-turningly dumb lawsuits each year with the Stella Awards, named after Stella Liebeck, who tried to sue McDonald's over its "too hot" coffee. Lawsuits can be a great way to help the powerless fight the powerful over serious wrongdoing, but some of the Stella Award winners embarrassed themselves and men everywhere with these frivolous cases...
1. Allen Ray Heckard
Heckard sued Michael Jordan for $416 million because they resembled each other, and "I want to be recognized as me, just like Michael's recognized as Michael." We recognize him as a dumbass. This guy actually was Like Mike, and he didn't even appreciate it.
2. Roy L. Pearson, Jr.
In 2007, Pearson sued a dry cleaner for $65 million over losing one pair of his pants. He picked that number because that's how long dinosaurs have been dead, obviously. In court, he cried during his testimony. The judge presiding over the case, a logical dude, awarded money to the dry cleaner instead. Don't cry unless you've actually been hurt.
Wherever I am, I'm always looking for the funniest or weirdest thing to take a picture of.
Last month, I went camping with my girlfriend at Mt. Rainier National Park, home of the tallest mountain in the lower 48 states. We cooked up some cheap steaks and drank some beer at the top of Sourdough Ridge, one of the closest spots to Mt. Rainier itself. I was 6,800 feet above sea level and I had the opportunity to get a photo of me eating steak and beer with a giant mountain behind me. You know, like a king. How badass was that?
I couldn't really preview the pic on my phone because the glare from the sun was blinding, so I just uploaded it with the caption, "Steak and beer and Mt. Rainier" (possibly the dopest rhyme in the history of the sport), thinking that everyone, even dudes who've actually climbed the mountain, would think my idea was awesome.
Everyone knows the song "Bills, Bills, Bills" by Destiny's Child, and its message to the ladies: Don't date a broke dude. That's fine, but in a real relationship, both you and your girlfriend can fall on hard times and need the other to help out. Much as you don't want to do it, at some point you're gonna have to hit your girl up for money. Don't worry. There are ways to ask without seeming weak or pissing her off enough to sing, "Oh silly me, why haven't I found another?"
1. Try Everyone Else First
No matter how well it goes, borrowing from your girl is going to feel stressful. If you can, hit up your parents first, then any sibling you have, then aunts, uncles and anyone who smiles at you in the grocery store today. Try running up those credit card bills (you can get cash off of them by paying yourself through PayPal). If all those don't work, now you can ask her.
2. Keep It Small, Keep It Real
As a rule, never ask for more than 2% of her annual income. That means, if she makes $30,000, don't ask for more than $600. Otherwise, she'll think you're using it to help pay for an engagement ring, which would make you King Douche. And always ask for a weird number, because that sounds more realistic. $574 makes it sound like you know exactly what you need it for; $600 sounds like you might be spending some of that money on iTunes.
Labor Day's the last big holiday of the summer, so it's tempting to skip town for one final adventure -- but that just means you'll hit relaxation-erasing traffic both ways. (Besides, that motel room has a summer's worth of stank the maids just couldn't clean up fully.) Here's why it's best to stay home and chill over the three-day weekend...
Empty Movie Theaters
The big summer blockbusters have already been released, so you won't have to deal with opening weekend crowds. Pick any seat you want and enjoy the A/C in blissful solitude.
Remember July 4th, when you woke up so late that the only things left at the grocery store were vegetarian "not dogs"? This time, you'll have better luck picking up good burger meat and chips. Invite your boys over and be the pit master to end all pit masters.
Labor Day is coming up and, for most of us, this is the last weekend of the year we can go camping. More importantly, it's the last weekend to prank our friends while camping. Nature is chaotic, not calm -- think about all those earthquakes, mudslides and rattlesnakes -- and you should remind your buddies of that by f**king with them in the great outdoors.
The Tent Invader
Before you hit the road, print out a color picture of the ugliest person you can find. (This life-size "Jason vs. Freddy" cutout works, too.) Quietly unzip your friend's tent and tape the picture over the hole, then shake it until he wakes up and pisses himself.
Add a bunch of sugar to your friend's insect repellant, but not so much that it's visible in a clear bottle. Kindly give him your sugar-free stuff after the mosquitoes get a good two minutes of eatin'.
You know those guys who show up to school in September and, for their entire walk through the halls, girls turn their heads, do the elevator eyes on them and mouth the word "daaaayummmm"? Something about them's different from last year, and it's not a mystery why they'll be killing it with the ladies. Here are five ways they clean up in the fall...
There are three types of tans you can get over the summer -- sunburns, spray-on, and natural -- and only one of them is attractive to women. A sunburn makes you look sick, and it tells girls that you don't know how to take care of yourself. If you get a fake tan, you're a douche bag, end of story. However, girls go nuts for the natural tan. That's why dudes from Spain do well in America.