Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
Most dudes have been going to baseball games since they were in short pants. When you were a kid, you went with your family, and if you were lucky, you got to take some friends. When you turned 21, you learned the luxury of drinking an $8 warm Bud Light. And now that you're older with a job, you've learned what it's like to sit in the "not-cheap seats."
The problem is baseball hasn't upheld its title as "America's Game." It can be tough get your friends to go with you to the park. That's fine. It's OK to go by yourself. You can even have a dope time. Just follow these rules for going to the game alone.
Don't Eat For Three
When you go to a game with your boys, you can chug ballpark franks all you want. Hell, you can snort mustard if you want. Nobody cares. It's just dudes being dudes. If it's just you getting down on $40 worth of food, no one around you is going to be hungry. And as for beer, this should go without saying: never get tanked by yourself. Read More...
When NYPD Officer Dane Natto woke up yesterday morning, he probably didn't think to himself, "Hey, I should become the laughing stock of all cops everywhere today." But just because dude didn't have that goal didn't mean he wouldn't achieve it. The cop and his partner responded to the ol' cat stuck in a tree call in Queens, and Natto tried to climb the tree to rescue the cat himself. The cat got scared and climbed higher.
Cut to 20 minutes later, and Natto's stuck in a tree while his partner's just finished laughing at him long enough to call the fire department. An elementary school's just let out and children are staring at him. The firemen show up and get a good laugh in before they rescue him.
That's right, firemen had to rescue a cop - not from a fire - but from a tree. You'll never hear about a fireman getting stuck in a tree because they're real men. And they're not morons. Being manly isn't about blind bravery, it's about being brave but smart so you can live to be brave another day. It's a myth that a fireman just runs into a burning building to save someone. They think about how to get the people out afterward.
Officer Natto ran up a tree with no idea how to get back down. So yes, he deserved to get laughed at by manlier men.
A thousand years ago, if men wanted to settle a dispute, they put on suits of armor, grabbed their swords and fought to the death. (If one man looked at another man's horse the wrong way, they also fought to the death.) Those were nasty, violent times, and now we're more civilized.
However, the manly art of sword-fighting has been revived--safely--with Battle of the Nations, a medieval-themed competition between groups of the bravest guys from 22 different countries. Each dude wears a full suit of armor and carries a blunted sword to inflict pain without cutting his opponent. A competitor is considered "dead" when three body parts touch the ground simultaneously.
This might be the greatest idea for a tournament ever, and it's happening again this weekend. The U.S. joined last year and came in fourth, but maybe this year we'll unseat reigning champion Russia. Whichever team you root for, here are some videos that show why you need to get into this sport.
Americans think of football as the toughest sport, but let's reconsider that for a second. When two diesel linemen have beef, don't they just grab at each other's face masks until a puny ref pulls them apart? And isn't a team dentist only there to keep the players' teeth white for the cameras?
We thought so. On the other hand, when hockey players fight, they don't even wear masks, and the refs don't get in the way until they decide that one guy's face is sufficiently pulpy. Oh yeah, a hockey team's dentist is busy enough to put your kids through college, too.
The main reason hockey players aren't selling Gatorade like the rest of the jocks is that these fights leave 'em ugly and toothless. It's not fair, so we gave some of them teeth again. Gold teeth.
The unisex bathroom is the worst invention since the ______ (insert any invention here). Whether you're at a bar or anywhere else with a single toilet, the thought of a hot girl entering right after you've released the stink hounds is terrifying. Don't let your sphincter wipe out your game! Here are five ways to save your dignity.
1. Make It Look Like You Were Just Peeing
This is the most effective method on two conditions: The person behind you in line had to see someone leave the bathroom before you went in, and you have to be quick. That means no reading or playing video games in there.
Your face will be red from the speedy pushing, but if you leave the seat up quietly, whoever's after you will think you just suffered through peeing in a stank bathroom. Don't be surprised if you get treated like the hero that you are.
2. Be A Boy Scout
Boy Scouts are always prepared, and you can be too, if you make sure to always have a battery-powered fan, extra batteries and some cologne (or travel-size air freshener) in your bag. Oh, and always have a bag, and never take it off so it doesn't look weird when you go to the bathroom still wearing it.
Any girl you date will go through more to look hot than you do, unless you're into dirty hippie chicks whose idea of makeup is the dirt that accumulates from not showering for a week. Even if you tell her that she looks great without makeup--or with a little bit of stubble on her legs--fashion magazines and her friends have most likely destroyed her self-confidence way before you met her.
The point is, women go through hell to make us go wild. We love the end result, but let's take a look at what they endure to get there.
1. High Heels
You've made reservations at a fancy restaurant, but arrive hours late because her high heels keep her from walking at more than a mile per year. There's a reason she wears them, though: They make her taller, her boobs look bigger, and her butt gets more curvaceous...at the price of doing a real number on her feet, knees and back. By the end of that date, the best way to woo her is with some romantic Advil.
2. Weird Fish Pedicure
You don't care about how her feet look? That's because she spends so much time taking care of them, you don't know what they'd look like ugly. Ladies have been getting pedicures forever, but the latest trend is to have little toothless fish eat away at the dead skin and calluses on their feet. If a woman has any cut or sore on her foot, she can end up with an infection courtesy of those nasty fish. After that, you're gonna tell her you "don't care"?
Any product that a billion people use should be profitable...except Facebook. So they keep tinkering with the format, desperately trying to find the perfect balance between usability (for us) and raking in cash (for them). What they don't seem to realize is that they're slowly becoming the laughingstock of the internet--the kid in high school who tries too hard to fit in, but he's rich and throws the best house parties. You don't stop hanging out with that kid, but you sure as hell trash him with your friends behind his back.
Facebook used to be cool, but here are five reasons it's becoming an internet loser.
1. Post Throttling
Last year, Facebook decided that if a business wants posts to reach all of its followers, it has to pay. Otherwise, the post only reaches about 20% of the followers. What sucks about this is that businesses often post when they're offering free and discounted stuff: Donuts, whiskey shots, samurai swords...we don't know your likes. Sure, businesses should have to pay to advertise, but we like knowing where to get swag.
2. The Mobile App Sucks
Facebook hates the mobile platform because they still can't figure out how to make money off of it. We hate it because it crashes all the time, you still can't tag events on it and the new chat function for iOS is dumber than a car that only locks from the outside.
Celebrating his big day got us wondering: Where are some of the other big rappers from the '90s these days?
Credit: Getty Images
Guess what Nas is doing right now? That's right, still rapping. According to his Twitter feed, Nasty Nas is set to release the name of his new album next month, and he's apparently pissed that he didn't get to see Pearl Jam in concert last week.
Home runs are cool, but the two most exciting things in baseball are the bench-clearing brawl and the manager meltdown. In a brawl, the best part is when the fat-ass manager gets involved. With baseball season starting, we have a long summer of getting to watch managers lose their s**t. To prep, here are some GIFS of our favorite meltdowns.