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A very lame stage of a young guy's development is when he begins to employ the sterile and spineless lingo of Corporate America. Once you've received that diploma upon graduating from Boozehound State (and if you're lucky enough to find a job), you'll likely soon adopt the stodgy parlance of the well-conditioned, semi-conscious labor force.
But most corporate buzzwords are absolutely ridiculous flaming piles of communicative dung. Here are expressions to avoid when entering the great wilderness beyond the college years.
1. "Flag For Follow-Up"
Example: "I haven't read the memo yet, but I've certainly flagged it for follow-up."
Nothing says you're cozily burrowed in the butt-cheeks of Corporate America more than this expression, as it's derived straight from one of Microsoft Outlook's organizational features. It's also a way of quietly admitting that you're behind on your work. How about, "F**k off, I don't care about the memo," or "I'm getting bent over at the moment and will get to it in a few weeks"?
2. "On-boarding Process"
Example: "We'll begin the on-boarding process for the new hires on Monday."
If HR departments can slap a creative, euphemistic name on what is clearly suffocating people with hours and hours of useless training and benefits information, then we'll get counter-creative and call it what it is: "Water-boarding process." Because it's just torture.
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Guys under 50 don't normally have to visit the urologist, a.k.a. the dick doctor, but it can happen for a variety of reasons...and not just because you haven't been BRINGING THE RICE in the bedroom. (Or 'cause you've been pee-spraying like your dong is an unsecured fire hose.)
For instance, I recently went to the urologist after I sustained a mysterious groin injury while long-distance running. My primary doctor, just as a cautionary measure, wanted to make sure all of my equipment was in good standing. (And it was!) But whatever your medical case may be, a visit to the urologist's office is an awful and terrifying experience, especially for a healthy young buck.
Why? Because the waiting room is full of creaky old men devoid of all liveliness--some even sporting drainage bags--and the walls are plastered with nightmarish posters about how to tackle erectile dysfunction. In short, it's like a super depressing retirement home for penises. However, there's a way to get through these miserable, frightening appointments without suffering too much damage to your self-esteem or image.
Illustrations by Jake Young
Some descriptions of hell call it a perpetual state of mourning. Well, we say it's more likely a perpetual state of morning (#amirite?!).
Morning is just awful. First, your alarm goes off with the fury of a thousand deranged carnies. Second, your never-ending to-do list and related anxieties immediately trounce your brain like a militia of Lilliputians on PCP. Third, with the impaired motor skills of a tipped-over cow, you don flaccid, uninspiring garments the world considers "business casual." And that's just getting out the door. You still have to successfully navigate (physically and mentally) your way through the jungle known as the outside world.
In the interest of self-preservation, it helps to know ahead of time the variables and threats of morning. That's why we're profiling the six types of
animals people you'll no doubt encounter. Consider us your Basil Exposition or Alfred Pennyworth, whichever you prefer.
Hall-of-Fame baseball player Yogi Berra once said, "Ninety percent of this game is half mental." While Yogi's math is a little convoluted, the underlying message is important and applicable to all sports: the difference between winners and losers is often the head game; those who consistently succeed tend to possess unshakable confidence and are usually long on mental fortitude.
And as fans, we all love those glorious storybook moments when a stud player makes a bold claim and then goes HAM with spectacular results. We also love, albeit in a different way, those occasions when someone overstates their chances or abilities and then fails miserably--and humorously. Here are five examples of pro athletes getting a little too big for their britches.
Kids are adorable, right? Think about all the joy they bring into this dark, twisted world: The Jimmy Kimmel stunts, the “Kicked Him in the Penith” video, Kidz Bop — the list goes on.
But let’s cut the POOP for just one second and admit something else we all know: kids aren’t ALWAYS delightful. Think back to your last flight, when that snot-nosed amoeba wouldn’t stop touching himself inappropriately and whining (inarticulately! repetitively! tortuously!) about the toy he DIDN'T receive in his Happy Meal? Yeah, you wanted to sit up in your seat and scream like David in his post-dental visit psychedelic rage.
When Bart Jansen's cat Orville got lethally smoked by a speeding car, the Dutch artist did what any normal grieving pet owner would do--he collaborated with his friend to turn the dead feline into a remote control helicopter. Yes, that's right. Gone are the days of simply taking your deceased pet to the veterinary clinic. Gone are the days of solemn backyard burial services. And gone are the days of just mounting Fido above your fireplace. Jansen and radio control helicopter flyer Arjen Beltman have taken post-mortem animal commemoration--and taxidermy--to new frontiers.
One can envision a distraught Jansen contemplating the ways in which he could honor his fallen friend, and in one emphatic Eureka! moment, resolving to create the "Orvillecopter," the name he has given to this "half cat, half machine." Please note that the adjective "dead" is woefully not in front of "cat" in the artist's rough description of his work. And one can envision Orville pacing around Cat Heaven, consumed by the irony of not having these propellers BEFORE he tried to cross the road.
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The production team behind "Dirty White Boy", the slated biopic of late, great and always-colorful rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard, reportedly wants members of the Wu-Tang Clan to star in the piece as themselves. This is the word according actor Michael K. Williams, who has been tapped to play the lead role in the film and who has achieved Hollywood respectability via his roles as Omar Little in "The Wire" and Albert "Chalky" White in "Boardwalk Empire".
And why not? The casting decision would enhance the film's authenticity and credibility and makes sense given the Clan's extensive acting experience. Recent, notable Clan movie credits include Ghostface Killah in 2007's "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story," RZA in 2009's "Funny People" and Method Man in this year's "Red Tails".
However, GZA's representatives have confirmed that the rapper will not be lending his theatrical talents to the project. No specific reason is given, and no information has surfaced regarding who may portray him. Might we suggest a Ludacris or Tracy Morgan?
If you're a healthy, red-blooded male, you have some kind of a hero fantasy. Admit it, you've pictured yourself saving the day by kicking ass and taking names. Perhaps not something as grandiose as Mark Wahlberg's dream of single-handedly changing the course of history, but you're a muscular badass taking care of business.
Whatever your unique hero fantasy, we know there is a common thread that unites them all: before that finishing move, you always drop the perfect line. You look your enemy right in the eye and say, "Superman? More like Blooper-man."...or "Never underestimate a man in Crocs". Then BOOM, you pull the trigger or deliver that roundhouse kick.
If your hero fantasy lacks such a line, well, then your hero fantasy sucks balls and you're boring. To help you, we've collected the 11 most-awesome examples of finishing lines from action movie history.