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Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.

gym
Credit: Miroslav Georgijevic

There's zero chance of public embarrassment by installing a pullup bar in your doorway, but it won't get you ripped all over (see photo above), so you need to hit the gym. Over at BroBible, comedian Jared Freid from MTV's "Failosophy" helps you minimize the shame by avoiding these mistakes:

Wear Gloves

If you need gloves, a weight belt, wrist wraps or any other device, then there is a part of your body that is not strong enough to lift that weight; hence, YOU are not strong enough to lift that weight.

Give Advice

Unless your shirt says "trainer" on it, don't talk to me. The Men's Health you read on a plane does not make you an expert. Please just stare and judge like a normal person.

Carry A Gallon Jug

How much water are you going to drink over the course of an hour? There must be a gallon jug workout that I didn't know about where you carry it around the perimeter of the gym while wearing a sleeveless shirt and shaking your head in agreement with some person you are never with.

Give Body Compliments

"Nice traps, man," "You're crushing those lats, dude," "The biceps are getting big, buddy," "You're getting lean, brosef," "Sweet penis!"

MORE: "9 Ways To Embarrass Yourself At The Gym"

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antarctic marathon
Credit: AFP/Getty Images

Winter's over, which means it's marathon season...not like weather matters to lunatics who run in Antarctica. We admire any guy who builds up his endurance to peak condition, but you'd be better off hitting the treadmill than competing in these events collected at Dumb As A Blog:

Antarctic Marathon and North Pole Marathon

Sub-zero temperatures, extreme winds and the promise of running on ice floes. If you're truly insane, you can choose the 62.1-mile ultra marathon. To train for these events they recommend running on treadmills in giant industrial freezers. If that's not dumb, we don't know what is.

Marathon du Medoc

With 23 wine stations along the 26-mile route, this marathon in the Bordeaux region of France doesn't skimp on stupidity. There's also a drunken pasta party the night before and foie gras, oysters and cheese to nibble during your run. The first one to finish without gaining 50 pounds wins!

Zombie Obstacle Course Race

It's a 5K you can participate in that involves running away from unemployed actors in cheap makeup. Comes with an "Apocalypse Party," featuring hula hoop competitions and games of musical chairs.

MORE: "10 Marathons And Races Only An Idiot Would Run"

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spring break ice
Photo via Pleated-Jeans

While you were drinking...

  • Two Florida DJs were suspended after announcing that "dihydrogen monoxide" was leaking from area faucets. (It just means "two hydrogen one oxygen," a.k.a. H2O.)
  • Convict's closing statement to courtroom: "Eat a dick."

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yomico moreno tattoo
Credit: Yomico Moreno

Most tattoo parlor employees don't have 25,000 Facebook fans, but most of 'em aren't nearly as talented as this guy. His optical illusions are both surreal and ultra-realistic. As Unreality Magazine (which has a gallery of half-man/half-machine ink) puts it:

"If I were being impulsive and shooting for the 'badass' level of tattoo, there would be only one man I'd call: Yomico Morena. The Venezuelan tattoo artist has many cool designs, but my favorite by far are his Terminator pieces which shows metal and fiber under torn away skin. This is practically too cool NOT to be on my body."

MORE: "If I Ever Got A Tattoo, I'd Want Yomico Moreno To Do It"

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back shaver winner

Last month, we decided to give away four Mangroomer Professional Do-It-Yourself Electric Back Hair Shavers to our fans with the most-unruly back hair. We called it "The Hairiest Back Contest," and we expected dozens if not hundreds of entries. (We even tried it ourselves to make sure it was a quality product.)

Unfortunately, none of you wanted to manscape your backsides--or just didn't want photographic evidence of your hairiness on the internet--except for one brave soul: David from Huntington Station, NY. He sent us the above photo (which we've cropped because it featured a full hairy ass shot), and won himself a new gizmo to shear the left side of his body.

While we waited to receive more submissions, David sent us this follow-up message:

"Hey did u guys get a winner yet for man groomer. Broke up with my girl n I gotta shave this hair off. Wondering if I gotta buy one to keep this hair from peeking out back of my shirt on new date. I am the guy that sent u pic of back n ass. All needs to be trimmed up real soon. Thanks"

Yes, David, we've picked a winner (you), and we could never forget who sent that pic (of back n ass). Enjoy the Mangroomer device, and good luck on all your future dates!

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chris-virginity

While the cast-members in "Guy Code" season three gave us the most memorable lines from this series yet, the animators brought their game to a whole new level as well. Every week we were delighted to see many of the illustrations work as hilarious GIFs on their own, without voice-over. And our fans seem to agree since the GIF and illustration recaps are some of the most visited blog posts every week. Since we couldn't decide on which were our favorites, we turned to the "Guy Code" animators themselves and these are the 11 examples they picked.

Cock Blocking

cock-blocking
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so disgusting

This season of "Guy Code" is over, but you can still improve your game with the help of MTV's "Girl Code," premiering on April 23 at 10:30/9:30c. See, if you can get inside women's heads, then you'll be unstoppable.

Speaking of heads, we've got an advance clip from the new series--featuring Melanie Iglesias and April Rose--that explains how ladies really feel about penises. (Also: Charlamagne Tha God declares that it's a "damn lie" when they claim size doesn't matter.) Even if our flesh torpedoes gross females out, they still love 'em anyway.

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guy-code-cast2

Image Design Courtesy Of @TheseTwoChicks

This season of "Guy Code" had too many classic moments to count, let alone whittle down to a handful of favorites. We asked the show's producers to try anyway...and they somehow got it down to, like, 45. After a long night spent debating the merits of each, we finally arrived at this list. Here are the Season Three lines that will live on in the history books...or, at least, on Twitter.

13. Jermaine Fowler On Getting Fat

"The only difference between fat black guys and fat white guys is that fat white dudes sing opera and fat black dudes sing R&B."

12. Kevin Barnett On Religion

"Change religions for a girl? That's crazy. Can you imagine what your boys would say? 'Kevin's so whipped, he's Jewish!'"

11. Chris Distefano On Being Stoned

"You can't tell me Plato and Socrates weren't stoned. They used to sit in a toga with their balls hanging out, claiming that they knew life's secrets. They were so stoned, it was unbelievable."

10. Jordan Carlos On Apologizing

"It takes only two words to apologize to a man and they're not, 'I'm sorry.' It's, 'We good?"

Read More...

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party 2013
Photo via Pleated-Jeans

While you were drinking...

  • Following two aneurysms that almost killed him, American hero Ron Jeremy is back at work.

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jermaine

All good things come to an end, and this season of "Guy Code" was pretty damn great. If you don't know what to do with yourself now that it's over, rest easy, 'cause we've got some clips from the "Cutting Room Floor."

Savor these extra morsels about the only thing you can teach your dad, how to downplay a guys' night out when your lady asks questions, and April Rose's #1 rule for saying "I love you." Parting might be such sweet sorrow, but Guy Code is with you always.

MORE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

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