Welcome to GUY CODE, the official blog of MTV2's "Guy Code" series and your online destination for all things dude, including—but not limited to—irreverent commentary on sports, hip-hop and ladies. Stay awhile and flex your manhood.
We're getting deeper into Movember, and soon that embarrassing whisker patch will be a lush, proud, manly forest. Whether you're growing a mustache or a full beard, though, Guyism is reminding you to carefully choose the exact shape -- because just like with every other aspect of your appearance, you don't want to look like you're trying too hard:
The Five O'Clock Shadow
What This Says About You: That you think you look rugged, but you think you're too good-looking to grow a full beard. You want people to think you're a man without thinking that you're Hillbilly Jim. Either that or you're just really lazy. Typical Quote: "I'm thinking about waxing my chest but I want to keep a little strip. You know, just something for the ladies to admire."
The Horseshoe Mustache
What This Says About You: That you really, really want people to think you're a badass. You probably own a motorcycle (only a Harley) and you met your wife during a bar brawl when she hit you with a bar stool. Typical Quote: (Sneers, stares silently, trying to intimidate you.)
What This Says About You: That you want people to think that you're sweet, sensitive, but still tough, a wounded bad boy with soul. Also, you really, really want early-'90s R&B to come back in a big way. Oh, and that you are hilariously cheesy. Typical Quote: "Come on, girl, you know I do it all for love. I just wanna sex you up, baby. I adore mi amor."
When you've had enough of society and its headache-inducing bulls**t, there's only one place to go for peace and quiet: A lake, a river or the ocean. Well, that's three places, but each of 'em is stocked with fresh seafood. Guys love to get away from it all by getting on the water with bait and tackle, accompanied by either our dads or our pals. But even though male bonding is great and all, these 40 photos of gorgeous women with prize catches are making us reconsider the gender balance the next time we board a boat...
Much like how the X-Men wouldn't have formed without Charles Xavier operating behind the scenes, "Guy Code" is the brainchild of series co-creator Ryan Ling, who's the subject of a New York Post profile in the lead-up to Wednesday's premiere of "Guy Court." The whole interview is worth reading, but one part especially caught our eye -- when he explains where he got the idea for the original show three years ago:
He let his buddy crash on his couch while the guy got back on his feet [from a recent breakup], got a job and found a place to live. But weeks turned into months, and the friend wasn't budging.
"He would be on the couch all day long," recalls Ling, 32, his face pursing into a cringe. "I would leave for work and come home, and he'd still be there. When I went to go clean, he would pick his nose and put boogers behind the couch. When my girlfriend was over, he would just hang out and not leave, not take the hint. It was too much."
You don't want to be the guy who lazily keeps his Christmas decorations up 'til spring, just like you don't want a rotting, festering jack-o-lantern on your front porch after Halloween. Either make a delicious pie out of that thing, or find a way to dispose of it. And if you're anything like YouTube user Hickok45, a trigger-happy weapons enthusiast who lives on some kind of rural "compound" with more tools of death than the average World War requires, then tossing your gourd into the garbage just ain't gonna cut it.
Each year, Mr. Hickok breaks out his ludicrous arsenal (and the occasional oddity like the anvil above) for a lethal demonstration on a bunch of innocent pumpkins, which he claims to despise. Never offer this guy a pumpkin spice latte. Watch one of his videos below, and then click over to the "Tosh.0" blog for a bunch more pumpkin punishment:
Cleveland Cavaliers point guard Kyrie Irving, last seen selecting Melanie Iglesias as his "Woman Crush Wednesday," has something in common with Johnny Knoxville: They both love disguising themselves as old men and pranking the public. In Irving's case, it comes in the form of crushing dismayed "younger" dudes on the court, as his geriatric persona Uncle Drew. He's still looking to put his geezer all-star team back together and stops in Chicago, where he finds his old point guard "Lights," who currently plays trumpet in an underground jazz club.
Chris Distefano tells you all about it in this week's "What's Good" segment:
Today is all about scary sights, but you might also hear some scary sounds, like the groans of a wicked spirit haunting your apartment or more likely your roommate's wicked hangover. (Hey, the Red Sox won -- we had to throw a couple "wickeds" in there.) That's why GIF Code is here to help you distinguish between a black cat's unlucky meow, a sexy black cat's very lucky meow and all the other inexplicable noises of October 31st.
After each new episode of "Girl Code," we're breaking down the big takeaways for guys. Ignorance is bliss, but knowing ladies' secrets to up your game is even better.
Let Her Pop Your Zits -- It's A Sign Of Deep, Gross Intimacy
You'd never want to squeeze your girlfriend's acne, but for some reason she might enjoy popping your pimples. "After your boyfriend shaves, there's always that little one," Carly Aquilino says. "GIVE ME THAT!" (Andrew Schulz has a pretty laid-back attitude about the whole thing: "If I can't reach it, you can pop it -- but if I can reach it, I want to pop it for myself.")
This activity might be more than skin-deep, though. As Jessimae Peluso explains, "If you start popping stuff on your dude, that's like intimacy -- at its grossest, but like at a real, intimate level." And Jordan Carlos can second that emotion: "I once had a girlfriend in college drain a cyst for me. When it was done, I nearly proposed to her."
If It's Her First Time, Be A Gentleman, Not A D-Bag
Like on "Star Trek," a lot of guys want to go where no man has gone before. But if you ruin a lady's first time by treating her like an object, she'll remember you that way forever. That's why Jessimae urges girls, "Lose it...to a sweet boy," even if Schulz is skeptical: "There's no right guy. ... When you lose it, you're gonna be like, this is a big disappointment, I thought sex was going to be cooler than this -- and last a lot longer."