If you want huge, ripped pecs this summer, you need to listen to music that rips hugely. A lot of guys have unsuccessful workouts because they do their push-ups to the “Gladiator” soundtrack and expect to magically transform into Russell Crowe. It doesn’t matter how inspirational the movie is; you’ll never get shredded without quality sonic stimulation. So, if you’re embarking on a muscle quest and need musical accompaniment, give these five classic albums a try.
1. Rage Against The Machine – Self-Titled
There’s nothing like some Rage to help you expand your rock-hard man-boobs. Just ask Congressman Paul Ryan. Even though guitarist Tom Morello wrote a Rolling Stone article titled, “Paul Ryan Is the Embodiment of the Machine Our Music Rages Against,” Ryan was able to get amazing workout results while listening to his favorite band. So amazing, in fact, that “Paul Ryan shirtless” has been Googled more than his controversial budget proposal.
2. 50 Cent – “Get Rich Or Die Tryin'”
Did you know that 50 Cent wrote a fitness book called “Formula 50,” which promises a 50% improvement in your body in six weeks? It’s true. Did you ever notice that he has the physique of an action figure? He does. Did you know that it’s your birthday, and there’s a party in da club? Good, then play a few tracks from this album, bang out a few hundred crunches, and impress the ladies like the P.I.M.P. that you are.
3. Pantera – “Vulgar Display Of Power”*
(*or any metal album that has cover art of someone getting punched in the face)
We certainly don’t condone violence, but if you listen to Pantera during your workout, their sheer intensity will make you grimace like a guy getting cold-cocked in a mosh pit. We highly recommend attempting your bench press max while blasting “A New Level,” the album’s second track, which should result in something akin to the weightlifting scene in “Unbreakable.” Here’s another single, “Walk,” because brisk walking is decent cardio:
4. Judas Priest – “Painkiller”
This album’s cover depicts a winged quasi-Robocop riding a dragon motorcycle with saw blade wheels over a fiery pit of lava. It’s the perfect Judas Priest record to play if you’re performing a barrel roll in an F-16. It also works for pull-ups. All of the tracks on “Painkiller” are just as fierce as the cover art, so it can enhance any athletic performance, even one that includes bending I-beams with your bare hands, or throwing cattle into an active volcano.
5. Marky Mark And The Funky Bunch – “Music For The People”
This probably isn’t Mark Wahlberg‘s favorite life achievement, but the hit song, “Good Vibrations,” will forever serve as inspiration for all men as we get ripped and huge. If you look closely at the music video, you’ll notice that it illustrates the four steps of a successful workout: 1. Wear a chain; 2. Make out with a model in your bed, which is located inside an abandoned factory; 3. Lift weights with a cinder block barbell, and then smash it on the floor; 4. Backflip into a puddle.
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