8 Nice Things Women Say About Small Penises

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Over the weekend I attended the 2nd Annual Smallest Penis is Brooklyn Pageant to see if hipsters could somehow make micropenises ironic. The contestants — “Puzzle Master,” “Rufio,” “Raj Kumar,” “Twig-N-Berries”  and “Peter Parker” — were met with a surprisingly supportive and celebratory crowd. The amount of small penis apologists in Brooklyn was truly astounding.

A wise man once said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” And he probably had a small d*ck too. Fortunately, girls at the pageant weren’t judgmental — if you’re concerned about yours, relax, here’s what they had to say…

Erin

“A woman is an oven and a guy is a microwave. A microwave finishes in 30 seconds and you have to warm up an oven. Smaller guys seem to understand this more.”

Sarah

“I’ve dated a guy with a big d*ck and I hated it.”

Kate

“All the contestants are really hot in their own way.”

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Lara

“If you meet a hot guy with a perfect penis, the chances are he’s a sociopath. I’ve never dated anyone with a small d*ck before, but I wouldn’t be, like, perturbed by it.”

Kelly

“They fit anywhere!”

Myka

“It’s more of a ‘blow hobby’ than a blow j*b.”

Grace

“Most guys don’t care if our boobs are barely a handful — why should we?”

Lauren

“It’s like being blind and having a peaked sense of smell. Small d*cks have other strengths!”

Photo Credit: Getty Images/Lauren Vino

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Lauren Vino (@LaurenVino) is a comedian, writer and girl in NYC.