What sport gets Americans really excited in June once every four years? No, not baseball, but good thinking. The correct answer is World Cup soccer, which kicked off this week in Brazil.
You don’t have to follow or even like soccer to get pumped for the Cup. The idea that every country on the planet is competing for glory should be enough to plant you on the couch with some brews and buds, regardless of whether that competition involves kicking balls into nets or throwing darts at slowly-inflating balloons. However, soccer tends to bring out some annoying personality traits in certain people. Here are the absolute worst dudes to watch the Cup with…
The USA Hater
This guy will use soccer as an excuse to remind you why the rest of the world is superior to America for a bunch of reasons. You’re trying to enjoy the game, and he wants to start a political argument. Just remind him that at least U.S. soccer fans have never killed a referee. He’ll either shut up or mutter some nonsense about how that’s because those other fans have real passion.
The Rest-Of-The-World Hater
This guy thinks soccer is stupid and every other country is stupid for watching it. He’s not rooting for Team USA; he just wants to talk trash about the entire sport. That opinion is tired as hell…and everyone else is tired of hearing it.
Being friends with dudes from other countries is awesome, except when it comes to watching soccer. They’re known to take their version of football just as seriously, if not moreso, than we take ours. You just want to say, “Look, buddy, we understand that Brits drive on the other side of the road, but that doesn’t mean you get to go outside and flip cars across the street when the UK wins. Or loses. Or ties, even.” And yet, somehow, all British guys still seem classier than we are.
Every four years, everyone gets excited about some random Olympic sport, and then forgets about it for the next four years. The same thing happens during the Cup, but it’s different with the Olympics because no one pretends he’s been following a sport like curling during the off-season.
The Poser will show up wearing a soccer jersey he just bought (but will claim he’s owned forever), and he and the USA Hater will take turns reciting the three factoids they know about AC Milan or Manchester United.
The best way to deal with this guy is to expose him for the fraud that he is — make up a fake favorite player and a fake small club team in Italy, and ask if he’s ever heard of them. Let him bullsh*t about ‘em for awhile, and then reveal they don’t exist, just like his dignity.
The “Goooooaaaaaaaaaaaallll” Yeller
We get it, soccer can be a slow sport. When a player does score a goal, it’s both awesome and funny when a Spanish-language sportscaster yells with more lung power than the most talented opera singers can muster.
But then there’s that dude who decides yelling that in response to anything even mildly exciting is going to be “his” “joke” for the entire game. Corner kick? He’s yelling it. Yellow card? Yelling it louder and longer. Player takes a shot on goal but misses? He’ll be jumping around, shaking your and your buddies’ shoulders and yelling it in your faces.
Find a place with some affordable chicken wings so it doesn’t feel wasteful when you throw a few directly at his damn head.
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