How She Sizes You Up Based On Your Style

girl-alone-at-bar

On a crowded bar on a Friday night, a girl will have a strategy. Sure, hot guys are fun – but not even elite level hunks can handsome their way out of crappy personalities. So how do we separate the dudes from the duds without sinking into conversational quicksand? Until people come with bar codes that you can scan to learn their traits, ladies have to make sense of the signals you send with your style. Luckily, it’s easy to hack what she’s thinking and change it. Here’s a head-to-toe guide of how she sizes up your look.

Head

1. Long hair on guys can hint at niche subcultures, so they may especially reel in girls down with heavy metal, visual art, or bad boys on motorcycles from out of town. (Bonus points if you practice a speech about how the sunset you’re about to ride off into isn’t half as beautiful as her eyes.)
2. Baseball caps are a great conversation piece, especially if she roots for their rival. It will be just like Romeo and Juliet, but with way a better ending.
3. Are you wearing a hemp necklace? Cool! Now take it off.

Shoulders

1. The delicate art of the ironic shirt is tough to pull off. A good rule of thumb is to make sure your shirt isn’t funnier than you are. And unless you own part of a microbrewery co-op, keep it to one ironic statement per outfit.
2. A popped collar limits you to girls who obsessively watch “The Bachelorette.”
3. It’s hard to come off cooler than a guy who looks as if he layered his outfit effortlessly. Ironically, this takes plenty of effort.

Knees

1. You’re probably wearing pants, right? Attaboy. If you’re wearing skinny jeans, please do us the favor of being fatter than us.
2. Unless, of course, you’re wearing shorts. Go with the generic, inoffensive ones. And don’t pair them with white crew socks, unless you want us to ask about how often you get to visit your kids.
3. Khakis make you look like you’ve fantasized about the iron-clad pre-nup that you’ll have your wife sign so she won’t get your Wall Street cash when you leave her for the secretary.

Toes

1. Athletic shoes can be either fashion-y or the epitome of “I didn’t think about this and I don’t care.” There’s a time and place for both messages. Be who you are, Skip.
2. A guy in Toms or Chuck Taylors is a guy who probably has a story about a hostel in Europe.
3. Flip-flops tell a girl that you’re super confident about your feet. Except…why are you super confident about your feet? Leave the mandels at home unless you’re an outdoor jam band festival.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

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Natalie Shure (@nataliesurely) is a writer and comedian in Brooklyn.