The Tell-Tale Signs Of ‘That Guy’

that guy

That guy. You know who we’re talking about — it’s one of those universal understandings amongst men. Someone references “That Guy” and you immediately know who you’re dealing with. You begin to understand the concept more as you get older, but it begins right around the end of high school or the beginning of college. There’s no spot in the dictionary for That Guy, so here are some ways of defining him — which are the exact opposite of how you want to define yourself…

1. He’s Loud On Purpose And For No Reason

Seriously, what’s up with These Guys? They feel the need to speak like they’re on the 9 p.m. slot at Coachella even though you’re at the bank or somethin’. Chill, loud guys, we can hear you just fine if you talk like a human being and not some monster that everyone should run away from (even though you are a monster everyone should run away from).

2. He Wears Terrible Clothes For Attention

It’s kinda hard to tell these guys apart from other guys nowadays, since it seems like everyone is trying to stand apart from the crowd — but you know ‘em when you see ‘em. There’s a huge difference between making a statement with fresh gear from a budding street designer, and wearing pants made of dead frogs (or whatever). Some would call these dudes “hipsters,” but we just call ‘em “That Guy.”

3. He Complains. A Lot.

These motherf**kers, right??? How do these dudes even have friends? Look, nobody’s going to be positive 100% of the time, but some guys don’t have personalities or ideas of their own, so they overcompensate by sh*tting on everything. Never be This Guy. Ever. (Unless you’re complaining about This Guy.)

4. He Hits On Other Dudes’ Girlfriends

Let’s all agree to write letters to members of Congress to pass a law that punishes guys who do this. If a girl at a party is a free agent, then by all means, work your game. But if she’s got a man, don’t be That Guy the minute her guy walks off to take a piss.

5. He’s A Conspiracy Theorist

Ugh. Nothing worse than having a beer at a party and getting stuck with That Guy, who genuinely believes aliens are controlling CNN and the government knows about it but does nothing because they’re too busy building a robot army to take away our Peanut M&M’s or something. And the worst part is, he thinks you’re the gullible one.

6. He Only Speaks In Movie Quotes

It’s That Guy who says, “Niiice!” like Borat every time something cool happens. Strangely enough, he’s extremely entertaining when crashing and burning with the quotes. Like when he’s trying to talk to a girl and says things like, “This is Sparta!” from “300” only to be met with a blank stare and another night alone. “Yeah, baby!”

7. He’s Your Dad

Hey, dads are great, but they are what That Guy is all about: Corny jokes, socks pulled up to the knees, embarrassing political beliefs and hopeless attempts to convince you their music is the best, even though it’s some disco nonsense that sounds like a shampoo commercial jingle. Love ya, Dad, but you are That Guy.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

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RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a writer in Brooklyn, NY. His first book, “Ten Shows,” is available on paperback and Kindle.