10 Unscientific Ways Drinking Is Good For Your Health

Never mind what your doctor, parents and liver have led you to believe. Drinking offers a wealth of health benefits that often go unnoticed. Some of them are based on medical evidence, others are more from (uh…) anecdotal “evidence.” Here are 10 solid reasons why vodka is practically a vitamin.

1. Sleeping on the floor seems great for your back. Probably not in the fetal position, though.

2. Running from the cops after urinating in public is excellent cardio.

3. Beer is basically bread and therefore an important part of a balanced diet.

4. Making out with strangers is a great way to boost your immune system, maybe?

5. Every sip of alcohol you take is time that your mouth isn’t eating fast food.

6. Being so hungover that puke everywhere is practically the same as one of those cleanses your girlfriend tries twice a year.

7. Doing a botched version of the Worm in a crowded bar is just hot yoga with cooler music.

8. Texting your ex at 2 a.m. works the often-overlooked thumb muscles.

9. Breaking into your second-story apartment — after locking yourself out — is the edgier version of joining a rock climbing gym.

10. An unfounded sense of confidence greatly increases your odds of taking up equestrian sports, by which we mean “riding a mechanical bull.”

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Tess Barker (@TesstifyBarker) is a stand-up comic and co-host of the “Lady to Lady” podcast.