Gross Stuff You Do When Your Girlfriend Leaves Town

pizza in bed

You waited and waited ’til you were sure her car had left the garage. Maybe you even called the airline to check whether her flight was safely in the air. You were certain she was miles away and wouldn’t be back any time soon. And then you got down to business.

No, I’m not talking about cheating on her — God, no — I’m talking about something even worse: All the disgusting sh*t you only do when your girlfriend leaves town. Sure, it’s completely awesome, but even you know these guilty pleasures are shameful enough that you’d be red in the face if she were to come home just a little earlier than you expect…

Ordering Every Single Meal

It’s not the 1950s, so you cook dinner for your girlfriend sometimes — maybe even most of the time — but once you’re by yourself, you can’t even be bothered to microwave. Sure, you could spend all day making yourself a meal fit for a king (preparing fat slabs of ribs and thick, juicy, heart-clogging steaks that your girlfriend never lets you eat), except we know that’s not going to happen.

No, instead you are going to order delivery. For breakfast. For lunch. For dinner. And probably even a fourth time. Each day she’s gone. And you’re not going to throw the bags/boxes away either.

Not Taking Your Eyes Off The TV

Whether it’s video games or Netflix or good ol’ cable, it’s time to jam a lot of crude, coarse, violent quality entertainment into your brain when your girlfriend is away. Your eyes will feel weird from staring at a screen for so long, you’ll lose muscle mass from lack of physical activity like an astronaut, and you can no longer tell where your flesh ends and the couch begins. Totally worth it.

Marathon Masturbation

The best thing about your girlfriend leaving town is all the sex you’re going to have. With yourself. Once you’re in a relationship, you’ll quickly realize you’re ejaculating a lot less than you used to. (It’s a paradox, sure.)

While she’s gone, it’s time to get back in touch with two old friends — your hand and your, well, y’know — or, more specifically, get them back in touch with each other. Your apartment would smell like a musk factory, if it weren’t for the pizza grease helpfully floating in the air.

Skipping The Whole Hygiene Thing

Take a shower? Why? What’s the point? If you’re not leaving the house this weekend, and your only contact with the outside world is the wonderful deliverymen of your neighborhood, then there’s really no need to get clean yourself, as long as you can stand your own stench.

Of course, an hour before your girlfriend returns home, you’ll have the best shower of your life. She’ll never suspect a thing.

Photo credit: szapucki/Flickr

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Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of ‘How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide’.