6 Things Wrong With Her Boobs (That You Love Anyway)

Girl in bra

Boobs are like friends: Girls are going to complain about theirs even when they’re ultimately happy with them. So when your girlfriend is saying “they could be better,” you have to stick up for them (because they’re sticking up just fine already!). But you’ve got to know what’s behind your girlfriend’s gripe in order to be the best boob advocate you can be…

“They’re Too Big”

Big boobs have big fans…and even bigger problems. Not only are enlarged breasts often equated with weight gain and hormonal changes, they’re heavy and we can’t get anyone to hold them for us in a way that’s helpful. Also, they can get us unwanted attention, since a recent study at the University of Westminster (not a dog college) found that sexist guys are more drawn to big boobs. Which doesn’t seem so accurate since everyone else is, too.

“They’re Too Small”

Tiny tatas can come with big insecurities, but a lot of guys love them just the way they are. The biggest issue with small boobs is not being able to fill out certain clothes, so they get smothered in padding and smashed by wires. The quickest way to get a girl to turn on you is by telling her what she can’t wear. Make her feel the itty-bitty-t*tty-committee isn’t so bad!

“They Hurt”

Sore boobs can happen for reasons beyond too much squeezing. They can be a sign of ovulation, too much caffeine and even pregnancy. But when your girlfriend complains, don’t accuse her of being a horny pregnant woman hopped up on coffee — just be gentle with the sweater puppies.

“They’re Itchy”

Whether it’s from soap, laundry detergent or dry skin, girls get itchy often — and so do their boobs. Sometimes itching can be the sign of a boob job or a yeast infection, but most of the time, girls just scratch simply because it feels good. And when we can’t claw beneath our bras in public, constant complaining is the only other option.

“One Is Bigger Than The Other”

It’s common for one boob to start growing faster, and the other one just never catches up. Asymmetry is normal and she can either accept that or get surgery to correct a problem that every girl has. You should likewise ignore their differences…and don’t nickname them “Charlamagne” and “Lil Duval.”

“They’re Floppy”

Everyone likes a little bounce, but no one wants to take off a bra and wonder where the boobs went (see: armpits). Sagging is normal, and trying to hide it may be making it worse. A recent French study, conducted over 15 years, found that “breasts gain no benefit from being denied gravity. On the contrary they get saggier with a bra.”

Since trying to cover up the problem could be causing it, encourage your girl to get her flop on. It’s for her boobs’ own good!

Photo Credit: Getty Images

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Lauren Vino (@LaurenVino) is a comedian, writer and girl in NYC.