How Girls Use Facebook To Decide If They’ll Sleep With You

girl with phone

Facebook is not a dating website, but it’s where girls will often vet you for sex. If a girl is even thinking about hooking up with you, she’ll confer with your social media like a Magic 8 Ball. Your Facebook profile can mean the difference between striking out and crushing it, so here’s what girls are looking for…

Are You A Little Mysterious?

If you’re going to be on Facebook, don’t make it seem like you love using it. The most attractive male profiles maintain some mystery with limited content. Instead of sharing every thought that pops into your head and checking in everywhere you go, the few things you post should probably either be funny or about sports, not cat memes and inspirational quotes. Unless it’s a part of your job (comedians, bloggers, etc.), an overactive page isn’t helping your cause.

Do You Seem Sane?

Mysterious is good — totally nuts isn’t. A family-related post here and there will help in this regard. While girls aren’t going to seek out a mama’s boy, a sweet birthday shout out to the woman who raised you can be real impressive.

Are You Good With Animals? (And Babies?)

Showing you like animals is the easiest way to assure girls you’re not a sociopath, so feature a profile picture of you with your favorite pet. This trick also works if you have a baby nephew/niece/cousin, but use it with moderation. Think like a politician: If they spent all their time kissing babies on the campaign trail, we’d get too weirded out to elect anyone.

Did You Untag Your Ex? (DON’T)

You already know that Facebook is a great place for a girl to creep on your sexual history. What you might not know is that’s a good thing. Keeping your ex tagged will do the work for a new girl, while sending the message that your last breakup was civil. A guy who takes the time to untag each and every photo of his ex seems bitter and/or fixated.

If a potential hookup thinks your ex is pretty, she’ll see it as an endorsement of you by another hot girl. If she’s not impressed, it will provoke her curiosity and make you seem super deep. It’s win-win. However, it’s best if these pics are from at least a year ago (yes, we notice) and make sure your relationship status is set at “single,” or else we’ll think you’re just looking for a rebound.

How Many Selfies Do You Take?

Selfies give you a glimpse into the future where you’re alone forever. Don’t take them in the bathroom, don’t take them in your car and definitely don’t take them shirtless. There’s an unspoken zero tolerance policy among girls about guys who take pictures of themselves. A dick profile pic would be less creepy than the shirtless bathroom selfie, but Facebook isn’t cool with that.

Do You Like Her Posts?

If you think a girl might be interested, then like something of hers — and not a bikini picture from five years ago that you clearly spent a lot of time finding. Like her status, where she checks in or a (tasteful) picture. But don’t go overboard — if you like everything on her page, you’ll seem way too intense for anything but the Friend Zone.

Photo Credit: Cultura/Corey Jenkins

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Lauren Vino(@LaurenVino) is a comedian, writer and girl in NYC.