7 Things Your Roommate Is Definitely Stealing From You


So you thought moving in with someone would help save money? It looks like you forgot the hidden expenses of having your roommate secretly use all of your stuff. Oh, yours doesn’t do that, right? Think again! Forget everything they don’t pitch in on — like toilet paper and cleaning supplies — because when you’re not looking, your roommate is snaking all your sh*t. Here are the items you might want to keep under lock and key.

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1. Toothpaste

Why are you going through so many tubes of toothpaste lately? Maybe the better question is, why are your roommate’s teeth always so clean and minty fresh?!

2. Snacks

You spent all night out partying and now it’s 3 a.m. You need some chips, pretzels or whatever else you have in the kitchen to soak up the night. The problem? Someone ate your snacks and put the empty bag back. Either you have a hungry ghost or the roommate strikes again.

3. Razors

It’s no secret: Replacement razors are expensive. So why are you always missing some? Because that cheap bastard saw an opportunity! Now you have to use that dull old razor and look like your life is falling apart when you go to work.

4. Shampoo

You’re trying to wash your hair, but all you get is that farty ketchup bottle noise. Good to know you’re helping keep your roommate’s scalp so dandruff-free.

5. Condoms

In the heat of the moment, your roommate raids your stash of anti-baby devices. At least he’s making sure you won’t have another tiny roommate in nine months.

6. Laundry Soap

Next time you notice you don’t have enough detergent for laundry day, pour some bleach into the container and give your roommate the unsuspecting gift of ruined clothing.

7. Beer

He’s already taken everything else — why not your beer, too? Somewhere the line has to be drawn. This parasite needs to be stopped! Get a mini-fridge and lock that thing to protect your good time. Or maybe it’s time you moved into a new place, solo.

What else is your roomie using? Let us know what we forgot in the comments.

Photo Credit: David Oliver

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Tony Sam (@Toekneesam) has written for MTV’s “Ridiculousness” and is a stand-up comedian.