How To Be More Productive While Pooping

Kenan-Thompson-as-Bathroom-Businessman-on-SNL

It can seem like there’s never enough time to accomplish all your goals, but just think about how much you waste on the toilet. Even at five minutes per day, that’s 30 cumulative hours per year. Sure, you’re probably surfing the internet, watching viral videos or playing video games, but instead of trying to have “fun” while on the throne, why not start doing things while you poop that will actually improve your life? Here are some helpful suggestions…

1. Read (For Real)

All of us “read” on the toilet, but instead wasting even more time flipping through Twitter, why not store a classic work beside the toilet? Whether it’s something you should have read a long time ago like “Catcher in the Rye,” or a modern series like George R.R. Martin’s “A Song of Ice and Fire,” your bathroom should be your library — since your living room time is dedicated to all the important TV you have to watch.

2. Do Some Grooming

We don’t mean toilet manscaping (that’d be weird and gross and probably dangerous), but if you have nothing better to do, pull out the clippers and cut those ugly toenails or yours. Or swipe your girlfriend’s tweezers from the medicine cabinet and pluck away that unibrow. From now on, every time you leave the bathroom you won’t just feel like a million bucks — you’ll look like it, too.

3. Work On Your Grip

You can always get stronger. So, next time you’re squeezing out a loaf, why not squeeze on a hand gripper? Like Clark Kent, you enter a booth and come out more powerful each and every time. Nothing impresses people more than a firm handshake — they just don’t need to know how you acquired it…and let’s hope you washed your hands afterward.

4. Learn A Skill

Every guy needs an unexpected trick he can unleash on a whim. But who wants to practice it for hours and hours when you could be at the bar or gym? Utilize your time on the can! Your hands are free, so might as well teach yourself to juggle or improve your card shuffling skills. Just don’t drop anything in there, OK?

5. Make A Schedule

Ultimately, one of the best ways to be a more productive person is in planning your life well. So next time you poop, start planning your day, week and month ahead, figuring out how you are going to conquer this world we live in. Then again, you’d probably get more done in life if you weren’t sitting on the toilet all day long.

Photo Credit: NBC

+ Watch “Guy Code” tackle the subject of pooping on the season premiere April 16 at 11/10c on MTV2

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Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of ‘How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide’.