Subtle Ways To Get Back At An Annoying Neighbor

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My neighbor drives me nuts. She’s a classically trained (and once “famous”) opera singer who now gives opera lessons to others. All day long. For example, while I’m trying to write this very article you’re reading. However, I’m lazy and perhaps even a coward so I don’t just go downstairs to confront her and tell her to please STFU.

No, instead I do all sorts of little passive-aggressive things to annoy her into submission and claim a small victory. I’d recommend you do likewise, and here’s how…

Hoop It Up (Or Down)

I haven’t played basketball in years, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t work on my ball-handling skills. When your neighbor one floor below starts making noises, start working on your crossover. A solid 30 minutes of dribbling practice and they should get the hint.

Exercise Loudly

Maybe you need more of a cardiovascular workout. You could do standard jumping jacks, several sets of burpees or, best of all, get a weight set that loudly bangs off the floor every time you finish a dead lift. It’ll annoy your annoying neighbor, and as an extra benefit, you’re getting in better shape in order to…

“Exercise” Even Louder

Maybe that annoying neighbor isn’t home during the day when you like to work out — but he or she will definitely be home, and ideally sleeping, when you and a special lady bellow some orgasmic wails and moans all night long. This is definitely the most fun way to convey the message that the walls are paper-thin. Just make sure you’re not in Italy, because loud sex can get you arrested.

Spell It Out

Of course, the previous passive-aggressive moves aren’t that passive, since your neighbor will clearly know who (you) is making all the noise. To be a truly passive-aggressive master, you don’t want anything traced back to you. In this case, I recommend signage.

Print out signs with snarky messages and post them around your building or neighborhood. “Please no opera, people are trying to work,” “Opera-Free Zone,” “Sign this petition to prevent opera singing in the building,” etc. Even better, if you can get other, non-annoying neighbors on your side, you’re golden.

As for me, all told, it’s worked! I can now proudly say my passive-aggression has led to a small victory over the opera lady: She now rents space at a studio down the street for her lessons. It’s still fun to “exercise,” though.

Photo via Chive

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Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of ‘How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide’.