5 Weird Penis Problems Most Guys Don’t Know About

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Last week we talked about the weird things that could go wrong with your balls, and your response was so enthusiastically disgusted, we decided to narrow our focus from two to one. You’ve probably heard about the infamous “whiskey dick” and have heard horror stories about “broken dick.” Here are five weirder maladies that can afflict your second-in-command, your…reproductive burrito, your…straw that stirs the drink…your penis.

1. Priapism

The advertising team at Viagra and countless annoying comedians have reminded us that, “If your boner lasts for more than four hours, call your doctor” (or “call every girl in your phone book,” in those hack comics’ cases). Problem is, we’ve subsequently associated this problem with boner pills when it can actually happen to anyone from out of nowhere, and you won’t be bragging ’cause it hurts too much. Potential causes, according to WedMD, include “black widow spider bites,” “carbon monoxide poisoning” and “illicit drug use, such as marijuana,” as if those four hours weren’t gonna feel like an eternity already.

2. Nicotine-Induced Impotence

Every day, you see and hear a million PSAs about the harm cigarettes will cause you in 30 years, but we never hear about the fact they can make your equipment malfunction way sooner. Hey anti-smoking campaign, want to get young dudes to stop smoking? Show a picture of a clueless dude in bed with a deeply unsatisfied hot girl next to him. Then write a slogan like, “Cigarettes Can Put Out Your Cigar Before She Can Light Up.” Smoking problem solved.

3. “Ram’s Horn Penis”

Besides the shame of simply knowing you got an STD, chlamydia can give your Little Friend a machine gun burst of disgusting problems, from frothy green discharge to, in rare cases, “ram’s horn penis,” a condition in which your downtown lymph nodes get blocked up, causing your wang to swell and twist up like, well, a ram’s horn. If something this rare happens to you, just tell people you won “Satan’s lottery,” because that sounds cool enough to save you some face.

4. Balanitis

Maybe you’ve played the game “just the tip” before. Well, balanitis likes to play “just the tip,” but almost exclusively with dudes who haven’t been circumcised. (Take that, Europe! USA! USA!) It’s an inflammation of the tip and foreskin — the most sensitive spots, and thus the worst place to have irritation, swelling, rashes and straight-up pain.

Circumcised dudes, don’t get too cocky comfy: It can still happen to us if we don’t clean regularly, or if we’re allergic to something like laundry detergent, which gets on your underwear and chafes your member all day.

5. Peyronie’s Disease

Movies and cartoons love to use bananas as a hilarious symbol for penises, but they don’t really have a ton in common. The banana is curved, while your penis looks like a third-string bad guy in “Super Mario Galaxy.”

That is, unless you get Peyronie’s Disease, a painful buildup of plaque in your shaft that causes it to slope up, down, sideways or freestyle. What’s worse, the treatment options suck. In mild cases, doctors will tell you to live with it — and if it gets worse, there’s no medicine that’s been proven to really work.

The only thing they can do with success is surgery, and by “surgery,” we mean shaving the plaque along with part of your shaft, which can result in Shorter Penis Syndrome. (That’s not technically a thing, but it damn well should be.)

Photo credit: Horst Gutmann/Flickr

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) has a new comedy album available here.