5 Places Where You Don’t Want To Wake Up On Spring Break

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Spring Break is the time to let loose and live with reckless abandon like a party maniac, like there’s no tomorrow, like…hold up, now, there actually is a tomorrow. You can party hard, just don’t end up in any of these places the next morning or else you’ll wish you’d stayed in bed at home.

1. Jail

Oh God! Did you kill somebody?! If you’re in a cell with other people the answer is, probably, no. Does your face hurt, or other body parts? Maybe you were in a fight…or did you steal a car and go joyriding around Cancun while lighting firecrackers and shooting them out of your ass? Whatever happened, you better hope your buddies have cash for bail — and aren’t in the cell next to yours.

2. In A Different Different Country

The last thing you remember, you were in Aruba…how the hell did you get to Bora Bora? How can you even legally board a plane if you’re that drunk? Did someone stuff you in a suitcase and go through the trouble of sending you to French Polynesia? Either way, man, you are here. The good news is they speak $$$ in every country. The bad news? That flight maxed out your credit card.

3. In A Field With Farm Animals

Don’t panic, they’re just as scared of you as you are of them. Oh wait, these things have hoofs and horns…panic and run! What the hell are you doing in a field? You were by the ocean eight hours ago. Have you considered that you’ve unlocked the power to bend time and space? How’d you even manage to breathe in that pile of manure? As long as you didn’t have sex with a cow or a sheep, your secret should be safe.

4. In Bed Without Beer Goggles

Beer goggles? You must have been wearing the beer Hubble Telescope last night. Yikes! Still, be a good guy and make her breakfast — at least she won’t judge you for eating a lot of butter.

5. In An Actual Gutter

No matter what happens, your life isn’t really in the gutter until it literally is. People just left you in a street sewer — with banana peels, piss and everything else running over you — like you’re a human beaver dam? Well, not every Spring Break can be classy. At least this way is cheaper than a hotel room.

Photo Credit: DaMongMan/Flickr

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Tony Sam (@ToneKneeSam) has written for MTV’s Ridiculousness and is a stand-up comedian.