When men think about getting older, we have exactly one concern about our future balls, and that’s whether they’re on the road to Sag Town. But a lot of things worse than sagging can go wrong with our private nuclear reactors. Hell, even if Lance Armstrong disappointed everyone who believed in him, at least he got us to check for lumps occasionally.
There are a bunch of weird ways your boys can get messed up, so be sure to make that annual physical appointment — because you don’t wanna suffer from an undiagnosed case of…
Remember when you took Sex Ed in 10th grade and they taught you about this? No? Exactly, because high schools think words like “gonorrhea” and “chlamydia” are scary enough to get teenagers to practice safe sex. Well, if certain bacteria get into the epididymis — the tube where your sperm are kept — then your scrotum will get redder than hell and hurt like it, too.
Antibiotics will cure most cases, but do you really want blood-red balls? If we’d known that STDs could cause epididymitis, we’d not only buy hundreds more condoms, we’d have bought stock in condom companies.
2. Inguinal Hernia
No hernia is a walk in the park, but the inguinal kind makes you feel like your nuts are splitting in half because the hernia is spilling fluid into your body about an inch away from your genital region. And if you get one, not only is the pain excruciating, but there’s a solid risk of them recurring a few times.
The good news is these rarely happen before you turn 40. Once you blow out the candles on that birthday, the even better news is you can get out of helping your friends move by saying you don’t EVER want to get a hernia like this.
Spermatocele, or as we like to call it around the office, “Demon Semen,” are small, harmless cysts that grow on your testicles or vas deferens (the most nonsense name for the right tackle of your baby-making O-line).
In most cases, nothing comes of it. However, in rare cases, those little guys on your little guy will grow really big, making it feel like you’re carrying a dumbbell between your legs. And if the words “surgical removal” don’t scare you, then maybe “recurrence…occurs in approximately 10-25% of cases” will.
4. Testicular Torsion
Although this one sounds like it could be the name of a Lego set or a Young Jeezy track, it’s not only one of the worst pains you can experience — even hearing what it is will hurt. So here goes…
There’s a cord that connects each testicle to the rest of your body, and it can get all twisted up, stopping blood flow to the point where you could lose that ball. The way doctors save it is by sewing it to the nearby scrotum, so it can no longer turn. The next time your buddy says, “Don’t get your nuts in a twist,” take his advice!
5. Kidney Stones
These are the mother of the father of all ball pain, and the agony you get from these weird crystals that form in your piss isn’t even half as bad as when your body finally pisses one out. Some compare it to the pain women feel in childbirth, though most girls will never get a kidney stone, so there’s no accurate comparison to be made. At least your doctor will think it’s bad enough to give you pain meds — and gallons of water to wash them down.
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