A long time ago I noticed that guys who went on the most dates…ended up dating the least women. Their rigid dinner-and-a-movie plans never led to relationships or even got them laid, and they were usually lamenting their love lives by the next day. You’ll still see this scenario play out with heavy users of online dating websites, who keep expecting different results with the same old dates.
Instead, I decided I would just have women I liked join me for things I liked. Were we on an official “date”? Of course not, we were just drinking pitchers of beer and watching football, or walking around the neighborhood, or hanging out on a rooftop with a cool view. Does that sound impossible? My girlfriend struggles to come up with an answer any time someone asks her about our “first date.” Because we never really went on one.
We met in our early 30s, but even when I was younger, my strategy was to never go on dates. Yet, I still dated women. That may seem like a paradox, but it usually worked out in my favor, because of this very strategy. (Plus, since I was frequently dirt poor when I was younger, the dateless date was much friendlier on my slim wallet.)
The first step to dating without dates is, of course, to ask for a woman’s contact info. But you can’t literally suggest, at this juncture, going out on a date in the future — avoid the words “dinner,” “coffee,” “movie,” etc. That raises the bar to a stressful level of anxiety, preparation and expectations for both parties. Instead, simply get her number or Facebook or whatever, and leave it like that. Expectation-less.
Now, the cornerstone of dating without dating is casual communication. Phone calls are so formal, so avoid those. (Not like anyone makes phone calls nowadays.) Text her or send a brief message on social media — but, again, don’t ask her out on a “date.” Never say that stupid word!
Still, you need a plan, right? Yes, but the plan should be plan-less. I always found success in simply asking a woman to meet me at a place I was already planning to be at — whether that was the bar, the bookstore or just running an errand. That sounds totally lame, sure, but it was a low-key, laid-back vibe. (Besides, what guy likes to make any plans?) The important thing is that it wasn’t another uncomfortable formal dinner, followed by two hours of silence in a movie theater.
You both had a surprisingly great time doing nothing major? Great, do it again. After you’ve had a dateless date or two, maybe you’ll have dateless sex. A few more dateless dates and, hey, you’ve got yourself a girlfriend. Now when people ask about your “first date,” you can look at her and, think, hey, maybe it’s finally time to take you on one!
Photo Credit: Ilya Terentyev