How To Meet Women On St. Patrick’s Day

st patricks parade woman

With all the good cheer in the air, St. Patrick’s Day is a great time to meet a lady. But why settle for a 45-second drunken make-out when you can use the festive holiday as an excellent opportunity to potentially meet the long-term love of your dreams? Step up your game this St. Paddy’s with these dating tips, and you (and your mother, and your aunt, and your entire extended family) can thank us at the wedding, when you’re serving green champagne.

Keep (Relatively) Sober

Our culture has so closely linked St. Patrick’s Day to drinking that an alien arriving on this planet with no previous context would assume the holiday is to honor the saint of keg stands. But the truth is that, beyond a drink or two to loosen up, there is an inverse correlation between inebriation and sex appeal.

Alcohol may take the edge off, but it also causes slurred speech, cloudy thinking and loss of motor coordination — not exactly the most charming qualities. By keeping (somewhat) sober, you’ll seem like more of a catch than all those wasted meatheads mainlining Jameson.

Keep It Fresh

Any of the following themed pick-up lines will only do you more harm than good:

“I promise you won’t regret this in the top o’ the mornin’.” (point to self)

“May I introduce you to my leprechaun? (point to crotch) He’s small, but he’ll grant your every wish.”

“Hey, girl. I’d love to sham-rock your world.”

Instead of deploying such canned mood-ruiners, use your environment to drum up natural conversation. Ask her if she saw the drunken fight that broke out in front of the bar, or the dude who just puked bright green. When it comes to getting a lady’s attention, authentic dialogue — even if far from romantic — beats out forced pick-up lines any day.

Keep Company

On any other night, solo missions are great — but St. Patrick’s Day is all about the group dynamic. Roll with a reliable wingman (or two) to not come off as the kind of creepy trenchcoat-lurker who shouts, “Hey! Ladies! Who wants to see my lucky charms?”

But cap your crew to a maximum of three, as any band larger starts to resemble a traveling frat party. The bars will be crowded enough as it is.

Keep It Classy

Wearing green on St. Paddy’s is great — it shows that you’ve got spirit and are committed to having a good time. But that doesn’t mean you need to be the holiday’s “NUMBER ONE FAN” in a bright green spandex bodysuit like Charlie from “Always Sunny.”

If you want women to take you seriously, treat this night like you would any other and look your best. Green accessories, such as a tie or sunglasses, are great for looking tastefully festive. And if you go with emerald socks, a curious lady might just approach you to ask where “your green” is, to which you can reveal your best feature: Those sexy ankles.

Photo Credit: Erik Daniel Drost/Flickr

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Ethan Fixell (@EthanFixell) is a writer and comedian from New York.