10 Buddies NOT To Bring Along For Spring Break

passed out guy

At long last, spring break is so close you can practically taste the daiquiri on some random girl’s lips. Before you pack your trunks and condom supply, however, make sure you’re not also bringing along a friend who’ll ruin all the good times — specifically these guys:

1. The Extreme Cheapskate

Buying a round of shots becomes a lot less fun when he drops the reminder, “Now you only owe me two dollars from lunch yesterday.”

2. The Raw Nerve

Taking a newly dumped friend on vacation so he can rebound and forget his ex sounds like the right thing to do, but you risk wasting a perfectly good night at the club watching a grown man cry because “Suit & Tie” was “their song.”

3. The Wanderer

If booze makes him wander off, make his name disappear from the invite list. You don’t want to spend the vacation as part of a search and rescue team, and then find him days later chilling at some beach bar.

4. The Walking Accident

If you don’t already know how to say “Where is the nearest emergency room?” in Spanish, now’s probably not the best time to learn.

5. The Wet Blanket

Some guys will complain about anything, which is tolerable back home, but you don’t want his negativity in paradise — especially if he refuses to hang out with¬† a group of awesome girls just because they’re “insanely annoying.”

6. The Guy Who Will End Up In Jail

Certain expenses will have to be figured into your vacation budget…and your buddy’s bail shouldn’t be one of them. If he’s prone to breaking things (or urinating on them), probably best to leave him in solitary confinement at home.

7. The Wannabe World Traveler

It’s cool that he wants to see art and cultural museums, but the entire time?! You’re here to judge wet t-shirt contests, not listen to the sophisticated life philosophy of a guy who uses an accent when ordering a quesadilla.

8. The Obvious Sleaze

It’s one thing to talk about the girls you’ve hooked up with so far on spring break. It’s quite another to do it in front of girls you’re trying to take back to the hotel. One total d-bag can ruin all of your chances, so leave him and his awful pick-up lines out of the mix.

9. The Rookie

Is there a dude on your dorm floor who can’t even keep a couple beers down? Unless you want to spend the week covered in vomit, tell him to come along next year when he’s earned a few stripes.

10. The Germaphobe

It’s hard to have a solid adventure with someone who’s constantly worrying about meaningless problems like whether the water is OK to drink or if that is indeed a cockroach in your shower.

Photo via cheeseburger.com

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Tess Barker (@TesstifyBarker) is a stand up comic with good taste in bad ideas.