Ranking Your Stank: What Foods Give You The Best Farts?

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I bet you think you can fart with the best of ‘em. You sit around, boasting about the power of your butt-hole’s ability to clear a room, and you pat yourself on the back. You are wrong. Have a seat with the others and listen up ’cause we’re about to school you in ass blasts. Read ahead and you’ll know exactly what causes farts and why. We’ve broken ‘em down, so you can claim responsibility — whether it’s getting kicked out of a bar or giving yourself a Dutch oven.

7. Puff Daddy

Happens when you eat: Chewing gum
Otherwise known as the SBD (Silent But Deadly), poof unexpectedly fills the air with little to no warning shot. Chewing gum is the highly-ranked suspect for these and it’s because of its low amount of sorbitol, an indigestible sugar that makes us fart, which is also found in candy, soda and anything else that gives you sugar rushes like Mario finding stars. (As you keep reading, you’ll learn all farts are a result of indigestible sugars and not some vicious goblin who lives inside your butt-hole.)

6. Gagging Nostrils

Happens when you eat: Apples, peaches, prunes
Each of those foods contain a good amount of sorbitol, which is found in a lot of fruit. They say an apple a day will keep the doctor away…and that might be due to the fumes leaking outta your ass. These farts are tolerable, since the hot wind from your intestine will evaporate quickly and (almost) quietly.

5. Garbage Dump During A Humid Summer

Happens when you eat: Bran flakes, oatmeal, other breads and cereals
Now we’re really getting started. Lactose is found in dairy, but it is also added to breads and cereals. Smaller amounts, combined with fiber and starch, will stir the fires of flatulence in your colon. Your farts will have a pleasant stench, but the added bonus is they’ll bring a series of toots that sound like a jazz quartet on a New Orleans street corner.

4. Ghost Anus

Happens when you eat: Broccoli, Brussels sprouts, cauliflower, cabbage
Raffinose is another one of those indigestible sugars mentioned earlier. Ironic how the word “nose” is contained in it, considering it’s trying to destroy that very body part. Veggies like the ones listed above are prime candidates to open Pandora’s Anus and unleash a hell on earth no man or woman can possibly breathe through.

3. Rancid Oxygen

Happens when you eat: Milk, ice cream, most dairy
In case you didn’t know, there is a high amount of lactose in milk and assorted dairy products (duh!). If lactose went to Fart Court, it’d be guilty on all counts. It is so lethal, some dudes can’t even tolerate it. Their intestines practically explode. And for the dudes who can, their farts could burn holes in thin cloth. What we’re trying to say is, thank God jeans are made of denim.

2. Buckets Of Grandpa Manure

Happens when you eat: Beans, raw onions
You knew beans would be in this post based on all those fun childhood songs we used to sing about them. The things is, beans are extremely good for you, so it’s a bit of a bummer to know that the high amount of fiber and raffinose in them is enough to cause a fart that might start another Great Chicago Fire. It might not be a good idea to eat these things while on a date. Your farts will stink enough to melt your date’s face off, plus sound like a Skrillex remix.

1. Rotting Goat Carcass

Happens when you eat: Fast food
Aaaaand the winner for the food Most Likely to Cause Farts That’ll Make You Barf Into Your Hands is….fast food. While delicious, most fast food contains the highest amounts of sugars that make your digestion system go “WTF?” and let out a fart so lethal, they’ll need to quarantine the area. Stay safe and consider your fellow humans when pulling into the drive-thru.

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RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian and writer in Brooklyn, NY. His first book, “Ten Shows”, is available on paperback and Kindle.