10 Signs Your Girlfriend Is Becoming Your Mom

Sigmund_Freud

Freud says all guys are doomed to marry their own mothers. That doesn’t mean you should accelerate the process. Every guy wants a steak dinner waiting for him when he gets home, but he definitely doesn’t want his girl to cut it into pieces for him. There’s a fine line between a doting girlfriend and one who is rapidly turning into your mom — and that line is being crossed if…

1. She Chooses Your Outfits

Maybe you don’t care about style, and letting your girl pick out a few things for you at the mall is totally cool. But if she’s doing an outfit check before you walk out the door every morning, then you’re basically back in kindergarten.

Solution: Ditch the chain wallet and graphic t-shirt, so she can’t tell you that you dress like a 12-year-old. Also, if you ever go shoe shopping, don’t let her do the “press on the front of your shoe” thing to make sure there’s enough room.

2. She Criticizes Your Personal Hygiene

If you stink, someone should tell you. But if she’s reminding you to brush your teeth before bedtime or buying you conditioner, that’s a mom move. That goes double if she tells you that your beard looks dumb. You’re on a mustache journey, dammit!

Solution: Like with the clothes, take care of this preemptively — get rid of your stink so she doesn’t have to raise a stink. The whole point here is she’s not raising you.

3. She Sets You Up On Playdates

She’s planning a girls night out with Becky, and she just KNOWS you’ll love Becky’s boyfriend. Remember when your mom made friends with some other mom and then forced you to have playdates with her weirdo kid? You know, the one with no video games and waaaay too many stuffed animals? Same story here.

Solution: Tell her you have enough friends, and that Becky’s boyfriend doesn’t have enough cool toys.

4. She Tells The Barber How To Cut Your Hair

A heinous #guycode violation. Never let your girl control your hair — that’s your space! And don’t let her cut it either — she’s probably operating from the same bowl cut playbook your mom had when you were a kid.

Solution: Pony up the $25 for a professional cut. Or grab some clippers and make it a DIY project. The important thing is that you have final say.

5. She Makes You Eat Because You’re Cranky

You’re in a bad mood, you’re arguing, and your girl suddenly stops the fight. “You need to eat. Clearly, your blood sugar is low.” That’s like your mom stuffing you full of cookies when you threw a temper tantrum.

Solution: Calmly explain that you don’t need to eat to feel better…you need to drink.

6. She Leaves You Long Voicemails About Nothing

Who leaves a message after the beep these days? Your girlfriend and your mom, routinely dropping four-minute long EPs on your voicemail about something completely irrelevant.

Solution: Never delete your messages, so your voicemail fills up and they can’t leave any more.

7. She Makes You Eat Healthy

Yeah, you should eat less terrible crap. But if your girlfriend goes through your fridge and throws out all your microwavable bacon and pudding cups, she’s parenting you.

Solution: Hide snacks around the house. You know, like an alcoholic, except that booze doesn’t start to rot after a few days.

8. She Limits Your TV/Video Game Time

You spent hundreds on a new PS4 or Xbox One, but your girlfriend barely lets you play it — she’s physically disgusted by the sight of you hunched over with a controller in your hand. Feels like when Mom would take away your Game Boy after your ninth consecutive hour of Pokemon, right?

Solution: Play on mute. Didn’t you learn that trick as a kid?

9. She Holds Your Hand At The Doctor’s Office

Are you still scared of having blood drawn? Then by all means, let her in the room. But if your doctor no longer gives you a lollipop, you need to face him solo.

Solution: Leave her in the waiting room while you get your testicles examined. Big turnoff.

10. She Tells You To Play Outside

“You need some fresh air!” Classic Mom.

Solution: Well, you should probably go outside once in a while.

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Evan Scott Schwartz (@TheEvanSchwartz) is a writer from New York City.