10 Guys You Should Never Be At The Gym

gym selfie guy

The gym is filled with all sorts of guys. Some of them know proper Gym Code (like resisting the urge to snap a selfie); others make you want to spend your life savings on home fitness equipment — or just suffocate yourself with dirty gym towels. Here are the absolute worst offenders. Never, ever be these guys.

1. The Mirror Guy

We get it, you love your muscles — but if you must admire your own reflection, at least have the decency to do it in private, where everybody won’t silently judge you. (Also: Ever hear the story behind the world “narcissist”?)

2. The Phone Guy

You know who enjoys hearing you talk while on the elliptical? No one. Except you. (Because you’re a monster.) Send a text message or save the conversation for later when you’re not a distraction to people lifting hundreds of pounds.

3. The Aggressively Naked Guy

Gym nudity is reserved for the showers, saunas and (as quickly as possible) locker area. You aren’t in Ancient Greece — no nude lounging.

4. The Chit-Chat Guy

The gym is a safe place. The last thing anybody wants to do is talk to some stranger about the Knicks game last night, and you’re the strangest stranger of all.

5. The Perverted Guy

Everybody loves hot girls in workout gear, but they’ll switch to ladies-only gyms if you keep staring every butt down like it might have a bomb in it. Don’t ruin it for the rest of us!

6. The Guy Who’s Just Chilling

If you’re at the gym, do your work. These aren’t places to hang out and take it easy with your boys. That’s what bars are for, and you’re sure as hell not getting in shape there.

7. The Spot-Request Guy

Sure, sometimes you can’t go to the gym with your bro. That doesn’t mean you have to ask every dude that walks by to spot you on your curls. Hire a trainer or leave us alone.

8. The Obnoxious Headphones Guy

Headphones at the gym are a beautiful thing, because they keep people minding their own business. When you’re blasting ‘em full volume and singing along, not so much.

9. The Farting Guy

C’mon, dude, the gym stinks enough already.

10. The Sweat-Spraying Guy

You’re working hard and screaming with every lift. Good for you. Except now you’re sweating so much (and banging your head like you’re at a rock concert), you’re hitting everybody in a 10-yard radius with your man funk. You should go to prison where they’ll teach you how to use a gym properly. Go f*ck yourself.

Photo Credit: Twitter

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Zachary Sims (@zacharysims) is a comedian and writer in Los Angeles.