So it’s Valentine’s Day, and you find yourself alone again. Ugh! What is wrong with you? When are you going to find someone to settle down with and give us grandch — whoops! Sorry. For a split second, we channeled our inner mom.
The truth is, as the “Guy Code” cast explained, Valentine’s Day is the best night of the year to be a single guy, if you just know where to go. So forget buying flowers and making dinner reservations, and hit these spots instead…
1. The Sleaziest Dive Bar You Can Find
Look, misery loves company. This is where all the other sad sacks are going to go on Valentine’s Day, so at least you’re probably better-looking than the competition. Plus, everyone’s feeling morose and defeated, so pressure’s off for seeming truly desirable. You can show up in your damn bathrobe if you want.
Single ladies love to karaoke together on Valentine’s Day. Impress them by knowing every word to any Beyonce song — especially that one about, uh, single ladies.
You think you’ve got it bad just ’cause you don’t have a date tonight? There are people suffering for real, so rather than feeling sorry for yourself, why not spend that time giving back? Whether you’re visiting the elderly or serving food at a soup kitchen, you’ll be making a much more positive impact on your community than you would by spending your money on overpriced chocolates.
Not to mention, any woman you meet who’s also volunteering on Valentine’s is guaranteed to be as sweet as any candy heart.
4. Dave And Busters
You might feel like a loser consoling yourself with video games at home, so get out of the house to do it. Worst case scenario, you spend a fistful of quarters having fun. Best case scenario, you might be able to hook up with a mom.
5. The Game
Too depressed to even think about girls tonight? Catch a basketball game with your boys instead. Buy some cheap seats and work yourself down the floor. Lie about being cousins with Usher — it works 25% of the time.
6. The Gym
OK, so you don’t have someone to spend the most romantic day of the year with. Big freakin’ deal. Here’s a good piece of advice: Whenever you start feeling sorry for yourself, you should respond by trying to improve yourself. Lifting heavy objects and sprinting as fast as you can is a good way to get started.
Plus, being in good shape can only help your prospects for not needing this article once Valentine’s Day comes around next year.
Oh yes. Skydiving is the ultimate ace in the hole over anyone else’s Valentine’s Day plans, no matter how extravagant. Oh, you ate chocolate-covered strawberries off your girlfriend’s toned body after taking her to the fanciest bistro in town? That’s pretty cool — I just jumped out of an airplane and I’m not currently a ghost.
Photo Credit: Bob Thomas
Brian Cullen (@bucketcullen) is a comedy writer from New York City.
Brian Mitchell (@comicbam) is a dude that loves sauce.