This winter is the coldest in years, and those vitamin D capsules aren’t making you feel much sunnier (even though it never stops being hilarious when you say “I want the D” right before popping them). What you need isn’t a natural supplement; it’s a supplement of nature, specifically a white-sand f*cking beach.
If you’ve got the cash for a winter vacation, you’re in luck — not just because you’ll be enjoying the warm weather, but because you have carte blanche to break a bunch of otherwise inviolable clauses of Guy Code. Returning to freezing temperatures will be almost as difficult as giving up these temporary exemptions.
1. Drinking Tropical Cocktails
When you’re in your hometown, ordering a drink that the bartender must blend — and then garnish with a strawberry, and then garnish with an umbrella, and then garnish with a curly straw — is not exactly going to win you much respect. You might even get your ass taken to “Guy Court” over it.
When you’re in paradise, however, you have free license to order any concoction you damn well please, decorative orange slice and all. Sip that piña colada right out of the coconut, big guy…you’ve had a long flight and you deserve it.
2. Posting Shirtless Pics Online
The only action lamer for guys than posting a bare-chested selfie to Facebook or Twitter is [this space intentionally left blank]. No matter how ripped you may have gotten since your pudgy days, your reflection in the bathroom/gym mirror is meant for you, not all your classmates and coworkers.
When you’re on vacation, though, upload as many photos of your beach bod as your smartphone can snap. Nobody expects you to swim with your shirt on, right? Don’t be shocked if some of your single contacts ask when, exactly, your return flight is scheduled and whether you need a ride home from the airport.
Note: Your buddies are still obligated to make fun of you and your asymmetrical nipples. They’re merely jealous — back in the frozen wasteland you call home, their symmetrical nipples feel like ice cubes right now.
3. Wearing Flip-Flops
Sandals are comfortable, sure, and necessary for avoiding fungi around the dormitory. That said, they’re not doing you any favors in the style department. A man is judged on his shoes, especially ones with only a sole and a strap. (“Judge not,” said a guy wearing them.)
But for your week of fun in the sun, Tevas are all the fancy footwear you need — why get sand in your loafers? Just don’t forget to clip those nasty-ass toenails first, or else you’ll have people paddling toward the sharks in order to avoid you.
4. Getting A Stupid Tattoo
Under normal circumstances, if you get wasted at a bar and then ask a tat artist to ink you with a SpongeBob SquarePants tramp stamp — a request that he grants with a barely camouflaged smirk — then you’ll look like a moron forever.
But if you can explain to anybody who asks, “Oh yeah, Spring Break ’14 got CRAZY,” then you’ll always sound like a guy who had an awesome youth, making ‘em regretful over their own lack of recklessness when they had the chance.
5. Staring At Boobs With Zero Subtlety
Perhaps the holiest law of Guy Code is thou shalt not creep women out, and gawking at them on the street as if they’re delicious slabs of meat is a surefire way to do that. (Never mind why a steak has been dropped on the pavement in this metaphor.) We’re not saying it’s wrong to sneak a peek — that’s biology, son — but the key word is “sneak.” Get caught staring, you’re in for some heat.
When you’re literally in the heat, though, and everybody’s showing off in skimpy swimwear, you’ve got more leeway to appreciate the scenery. You’re likely being checked out, too, after all. That said, you might wanna invest in a pair of sunglasses — because if some dude notices you ogling his bikini-clad girlfriend, your new suntan won’t hide a black eye when vacation’s over.
Photo credit: David Trawin/Flickr