Which Oscar Flicks Make The Worst First Date Movies?

86th Academy Awards Nominations Announcement
Credit: Getty Images

Getting lucky at the movies is a tradition as old as movies themselves. But two tickets and a box of popcorn won’t guarantee you entrance to Makeout City, even if the movie is good enough to be an Oscar nominee. If you pick a sad movie, or an overly long movie, or a movie that’s “artistically” raunchy, you may just kill the mood.

With the Academy Award nominations just announced, you probably want to catch many of those prestige pictures. And you should! Not every standout flick this season is appropriate for a romantic date, however, especially a first date.

With that in mind, here’s what to watch out for in each one…

“The Wolf Of Wall Street”

THE WOLF OF WALL STREET
Credit: Paramount

“The Wolf Of Wall Street” has Leonardo DiCaprio, lots of money and drugs and lots of sexy sex. It seems like a surefire way to get a girl in the mood, right? But there’s a catch: It’s longer than “The Hobbit.” Three hours of boobs flying at the screen can get old? Who knew?!

“Her”

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Credit: Warner Bros. Pictures

“Her” is romantic, it’s sexy, and it’s getting rave reviews. Just make sure the girl you take has never experienced any kind of heartbreak or loss, because it is a tearjerker. You WILL end up talking about her ex-boyfriend for the rest of the night. Also, make sure you didn’t meet your date on OK Cupid. It’s going to lead to some strange conversations.

At least if the date doesn’t work out, you can always date your smartphone.

“12 Years A Slave”

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Credit: Fox Searchlight

If you take a first date to see “12 Years A Slave,” you must be into some weird stuff. Otherwise, you’ll just leave the theater feeling emotional, and not the romantic kind of emotional.

“Gravity”

Gravity-2
Credit: Warner Bros.

“Gravity” is a crowd pleaser, it’s a spectacle, it’s uplifting AND it’s short. It sounds like the perfect date movie. The only problem is that if you see it in 3D, you WILL want to vomit as soon as you leave the theater. Don’t plan on eating dinner any time soon.

“Dallas Buyers Club”

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Credit: Focus Features

“Dallas Buyers Club” stars Matthew McConaughey, and he always gets the ladies going, right? Well, not this time. If watching an emaciated cowboy skeleton slowly die from a terrible disease is your fetish, then by all means bring a cute girl.

“Nebraska”

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Credit: Paramount Vantage

“Nebraska” is getting rave reviews, and director Alexander Payne may just have a shot at a Best Director Oscar. But it is also very slow, very serene, and in black and white. This put my date to sleep faster than NyQuil.

The best option? Rent Payne’s “Sideways,” which is all about drinking wine and being in California.

“Captain Phillips”

Tom Hanks
Credit:Columbia Pictures

“Captain Phillips” is a thriller, and thrillers lead to all kinds of sensual feelings thanks to the high stakes and adrenaline. This one, though, might be just a little too tense. She’s going to want therapy to relax, not a sensual massage.

“Lone Survivor”

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Credit: Universal Pictures

“Lone Survivor” is also a thriller, with just as many Bahhhston accents as “Captain Phillips” and twice as many terrorists shot directly in the head. But beware: This is from the “Saving Private Ryan” school of films that make guys cry. I was blubbering in the back row, frantically calling my best guy friends to tell them how much I love them…and that’s when my date left.

“Frozen”

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Credit: Walt Disney Animation

“Frozen” is one of the best films of the year. That said, while it’s not illegal to kiss a woman while you’re surrounded by 100 screaming kids, it sure feels that way.

“Blue Jasmine”

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Credit: Sony Pictures Classic

“Blue Jasmine” is the winner, at least for best Oscar-nominated date movie. Lots of jazz music, rich people falling in love and acting crazy, and chances are you have to see it in a little indie theater, which is doubly romantic. It’s impossible to mess this one up. (Just don’t mention Woody Allen‘s sex life.)

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Evan Scott Schwartz (@TheEvanSchwartz) is a writer from New York City.