Sitcom Dudes Who Were Losers Back Then, But Would Kill It Now

Credit: Warner Bros. Television

The evolution of cool is something numbers can’t predict. Being a nerd makes you popular now, as “Guy Code” thoroughly covered. How in the world Geek Chic became a thing we’ll never know. Nerds are THE THING now. Don’t believe us? HAVE YOU SEEN AN NBA POST-GAME CONFERENCE??? We can no longer live in denial.

We checked out some nerdy characters of the past — sitcom characters, to be precise — and we sized ‘em up to see how they’d do by today’s standards. It became clear to us that some of these guys were portrayed as losers on their shows, but no doubt, they’d be killin’ it on the dance floor, the stock market floor and, very possibly, the bedroom floor.

Eric Foreman (“That ’70s Show”)

eric foreman carsey-werner productions
Credit: Carsey-Werner Productions

This dude had a ball-bustin’ father (who will plant some serious daddy issues into this kid), BUT, in spite of all that, he still landed the hot redhead next door. Foreman is a classic example of the quirky, sarcastic third stringer in high school who will grow up to have the confidence of a starter. He’ll learn to harness the power of his awkwardness and turn it into charm the ladies won’t see coming.

“Screech” Powers (“Saved By The Bell”)

screech NBC produtions
Credit: NBC Productions

Screech was a terrible dresser, a goofball you roll your eyes at, and an afterthought at school dances. However, that was then…this is now. Screech had balls the size of classroom globes. He never feared showing his affection for Lisa and was invincible in the face of countless rejections, which is something most guys would get angry about and break furniture over. He was accepted by the cool kids AND the nerds. Screech was all over the place!

He’d be a hit in 2014 as an out-of-the-box oddball who can blend in to any situation, and talk to women like he’s John Legend or somethin’.

Malcolm (“Malcolm In The Middle”)

malcolm fox television studios
Credit: Fox Television Studios

Malcolm had a hard time with girls and with his family. He was the black sheep, too smart for his own good, a pile of jittery nerves and stutters. It didn’t help that his brothers bullied him and his parents were aloof to who he really was. And who was he really? He’s a boy genius forced to fend for himself. Malcolm would succeed like Mark Zuckerberg, no matter which field he chose to get into.

Steve Urkel (“Family Matters”)

steve urkel warner bros television
Credit: Warner Bros. Television

Steve Urkel, the spazzy egghead on “Family Matters,” would need a bodyguard to keep a ridiculous amount of girls off his suspenders. He’s a genius, which means he’d be raking in the dough, and his clothes are on point in 2014, whether we we choose to admit it or not.

Moe The Bartender (“The Simpsons”)

moe 20th Television
Credit: 20th Century Television

Moe was a straight-up sleazeball on the show. (Technically, he still is, since the show is still on the air, but for the purpose of this post, we’re living in the future from when it started.) Women couldn’t stand to look at him, if they even walked in the place.

Think about it, though: Moe owns AND tends a dive bar next to a store that sells musical instruments. He’s bound to get some of the runoff of hipster chicks who linger in the area. He’d be the wise, surly old weirdo who can tell it like it is. He might even be able to lay that wisdom down in the bed of some brow-pierced, hair-dyed rocker lady.

RJ Berger (“The Hard Times of RJ Berger”)

rj berger mtv networks international
Credit: MTV Networks International

If you’re unfamiliar with RJ Berger, here’s a quick recap: He’s a high school geek in love with an out-of-reach cheerleader, and has an adorable goth chick hoping to get with him. Oh, he also has a schlong the size of a French baguette. So yeah…we think he’ll do just fine once he gets to college and beyond.

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RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian and writer in Brooklyn, NY. His first book, “Ten Shows”, is available on paperback and Kindle.