Tonight at 11/10c, MTV is airing an hour-long “Girl Code” special (catch a sneak peek here). Even though it’s the other side’s Code, there’s plenty of useful information for guys. After every episode, we’ve brought you “The Opponents’ Playbook,” highlighting the stuff dudes need to know about women. Now, we’re taking a look back at Season 2 for the biggest takeaways and surprises, like we did for Season 1. Ignore ‘em at your own risk.
1. “Taking A Break” Means She’s Looking For A New Boyfriend
If, by some miracle, it actually does work out for you two, you’ll never hear what happened in the interim. “You tell him that you went on some nice lunch dates with some guys…and you missed him,” Tanisha says, “no matter how many penises.”
2. She Will Become Her Mother
You’re not just dating a girl — you’re also, in a weird way, dating her mom, because that’s who she’ll morph into eventually. “When you’re 25, you’re like, ‘Oh my god, I am going to be her in a few years,’” Jamie Lee says. “She is my future.”
That’s not necessarily a bad thing — her mom could be awesome, and a nice-looking older lady. Just watch out for maternal red flags. Chris Distefano broke up with a girl once because he couldn’t stand her mother. Is that unfair, like how people in “Minority Report” get arrested for crimes not yet committed? Maybe…but sometimes, predictions pan out.
3. Nice Guys Win In The End (If You’re Patient Enough)
It’s puzzled goodhearted dudes for thousands of years: Why are some women attracted to men who treat them horribly? “We love the jerks, the losers and the cheaters because they challenge us, and everybody — boy and girl — loves a challenge,” Jamie says. To which Jessimae adds, “We go from assh**e to assh**e to assh**e, and then we find a nice guy and he’s boring, and then we go from assh**e to assh**e to assh**e.”
That sounds like a reason to despair, or to start acting like an a-hole yourself. Except for one tiny detail: “Eventually you realize that jerks and creeps are boring — like, so boring,” Alice Wetterlund says.
Be a nice guy. You’ll be rewarded eventually. (You don’t mind dating divorcées, right?)
4. You Can’t Compare Normal Vaginas To Porn Vaginas
Just like with a bunch of other stuff, porn gives us a mistaken impression of lady parts. Most vaginas are “probably not” like porn stars’, Nessa warns. And Jessimae Peluso elaborates on down-under cosmetic surgery: “Porn stars are a**holes because they snip it all up…and they tuck it and they vacuum seal it and they make it look like the side of a Fig Newton…” So, learn to love a little variety.
5. A Little Wine Knowledge Goes A Long Way
Ordering an impressive bottle on a date can only help you, so don’t buy a sh*tty Shiraz. Even if you can’t tell the difference between Cristal and Two Buck Chuck, you can fake a sophisticated palate. “Honestly, when you taste wine, you can say whatever you want — as long as you do it with conviction, it’s true,” Tanisha Long says. To which Jessimae Peluso adds, “You can pretend you know sh*t about wine if you just change your head direction…and say random words like ‘shrimp tails,’ ‘oak berry wood thistle,” etc.
6. The Right Way To Propose (If You Want To Break Up)
As Jordan Carlos says, men think of it “as an indie movie,” but women think of it “as a big Hollywood production.” Like Tanisha Long, who “was thinking about being engaged when I was, like, three.”
Unfortunately, some guys confuse big production with baseball stadium — that’s a great way to hear “no” in front of thousands of people, all of them laughing at you. “I don’t want anything on a Jumbotron,” Nicole Byer says on behalf of 99% of her gender.
Another fantastic way to ruin your proposal is buying a cheap-ass ring. This is an item she’ll wear for the rest of her life, so don’t settle for heavily discounted, damaged goods. “If you can’t afford it, f*cking get a credit card,” Nicole says.
7. Keep Your Insecurities Off The Internet
Even the most beautiful women can lack confidence about some things. Melanie Iglesias says, “The kids in junior high school called me ‘Jay Leno’ because I had a pointy chin — and I’m still not over it.” Carly Aquilino confesses, “I’m insecure about my mustache, my unibrow, the hair that’s on my stomach — I’ve got hair everywhere.”
Even though guys might not have as much self-doubt about our appearance, you’ve probably still got it about something: Money, status, size (check your spam folder lately?), etc. “Guys, too, are insecure,” Jordan says, but we “just show it differently.”
But we don’t show it on social media. The gals of “Girl Code” agree that Facebook and Twitter are no place to air feelings of inadequacy. That’s not attractive for anyone.
8. Never Tell A Woman She’s Been Putting On Weight — Unless…
“If your boyfriend comments on your weight, it depends on how close you are as a couple,” Alice tells viewers. “If you’ve been dating for a really long time and he’s worried about you…it’s not the worst thing in the world. If [you hear on] date two, ‘You look fatter,’ get out of there.”
Charlamagne Tha God presents another acceptable scenario: “If he’s in shape and he’s going to the gym and he’s eating right…then he can comment on your weight. But if both of y’all are letting yourselves go, y’all better shut up…until you come to the mutual understanding you want to be a sexy couple or a fat couple.”
Yeah, probably best to keep your mouth shut — preferably around a slice of pizza.
9. Don’t Just Hump Random Girls On The Dance Floor
“If you go to a club or anywhere there’s dancing, guys definitely — especially the creepy ones — their favorite dance move is, ‘I’m gonna put my erection on you,” Carly Aquilino says. In other words: You close with a boner; you don’t open with it like a pervy flasher!
10. When Your Girlfriend Meets Your Ex…
The most important thing is to avoid making any comparisons between them. “There are two people your boyfriend shouldn’t compare you to, and that’s his mom and his f*cking ex-girlfriend,” Nicole Byer says. It’s a sentiment April Rose echoes: “If a guy compares me to an ex, I will drop him in half a second. If she was so great, then go be with her.”
Yeah, this is probably not the best time to suggest a three-way.