How Can You Tell If A Bundled-Up Woman Is Attractive?

Extreme Cold Weather Hits New York City
Credit: Getty Images

Winter, miserable winter. It’s windy, it’s freezing and you don’t wanna leave the house. Even worse, when you do leave the house, you can’t tell if any of the bundled-up women outside are actually hot. Everywhere you turn, women are swathed in hooded sweatshirts and heavy jackets with scarves coiling around their necks.

What’s lurking under all these layers? With everyone looking like the Michelin Man it seems impossible to know…but here are some ways to make an informed guess.

Look Her In The Eyes For Once

With a giant hat on her head and a fur-lined hood pulled tight, you can’t surmise much about her facial features. Who knows whether she has a forehead or a “fivehead,” nice cheekbones or not, or even what color her hair is.

So, it’s a great season for girls with pretty eyes. Hopefully they’re a window into her pretty soul. And she might appreciate not having to say, “Eyes up here, buddy.”

Become A Leg Man

Wow, that gal has a great pair of…nope, she’s just wearing a puffy North Face that’s ill-fitting in her chest area. Everyone, you included, has a protruding rack in winter.

You might be more of a boob man, but in the winter, legs are often the two body parts that will give an accurate impression. Then again, those chunky boots that go all the way up to the knees do make every girl look like she’s suffering from severe cankles.

Dat Walk

OK, she’s wearing a full-length parka…but does she emit a sexy essence? You know, a hip-swaying, supermodel runway walk that only the most smokin’ ladies are seemingly able to pull off? Of course, the sidewalks are completely iced over and, whoa, she just slipped.

Hmm…that’s not gonna work. You should maybe go help her up.

Take A Look At Yourself

Even if you can’t tell one bundled-up woman from another, you’re not looking so great yourself in all those layers. And under those layers of clothes, you’ve added a layer of blubber from a winter full of chili, buffalo wings, Christmas treats, eggnog and heavy beer.

So quit being so thirsty in the cold and go break a sweat at the gym. Maybe then you’ll be able to warm up under the covers.

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Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of ‘How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide’.