5 Shows We’d Want To See On The WWE Network

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Earlier this week, Vince McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment made a blockbuster announcement: On February 24th at 11:05 PM EST, the company will launch the WWE Network. It’s a 24/7 streaming network that’ll feature not only every WWE pay-per-view event, but also the company’s entire back catalog. That’s more than 100,000 hours of wrestling history available on-demand for the very first time!

Wrestling fans around the globe are collectively thrilled. But what we’re anticipating the most are the handful of original programs that the network will be offering. In fact, we’re so pumped here at Guy Code Blog that we’re offering up a few suggestions of our own.

1. “Late Night With Iron Sheik”

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Every day via Twitter, wrestling legend (and good friend of Guy Code Blog) The Iron Sheik roasts celebrities. He threatens them. He mercilessly mocks them. He routinely calls them “grasshopper dick.” It doesn’t matter who you are — if you cross Sheikie Baby, he’ll unapologetically tear you a new one.

But imagine if, on a nightly basis, the Sheik interviewed today’s biggest stars!? It’d be pure gold! Very genuinely, it could be the single greatest series in television history.

2. “Breaking Big Show”

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Standing at 7’4″ and weighing in at more than 400 lbs, The Big Show is known within the WWE Universe as “The World’s Largest Athlete.” He’s been one of the sport’s premiere attractions for well over a decade. So why not combine that star power with one of the biggest television shows in history: “Breaking Bad.”

In “Breaking Big Show,” by day he’s a big, affable wrestling hero who crushes his enemies — but by night, he’s an unhinged methamphetamine chef who also crushes his enemies. We’d DVR the sh*t out of that.

3. “Cold Stone Steve Austin”

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This one would be a reality series in which iconic ass kicker “Stone Cold” Steve Austin takes a job working the counter at a Cold Stone Creamery. What happens when the 16-year-old kid he works with doesn’t restock the Twix bars? What about when Steve’s manager gives him crap for downing a few ice-cold Steveweisers on the job? Does he hit them both with his patented Stone Cold Stunner? You’ll have to tune in and find out!

4. “Sons Of McMahonarchy”

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Even if you’re not a fan of the industry, you know that the legendary McMahon family runs WWE. Vince McMahon created of “The Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club,” in which grown men literally kiss his bare ass on national TV. His wife, Linda, once watched Vince play tonsil hockey with Trish Stratus while pretending to be a coma patient. Vince’s son Shane bled buckets in matches with Kane, Kurt Angle and Shawn Michaels. Stephanie McMahon once fought her own father on pay-per-view. And then Triple H, who married into the family by way of Stephanie, invented the catchphrase “Suck it!”

Put these crazy bastards on some Harleys, then have cameras follow them as they ride from town to town, WWE event to WWE event.

5. “‘Superfly’ Jimmy Snooki”

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After Snooki wraps shooting a season of “Snooki & Jwoww,” she could go and film this one. In “‘Superfly’ Jimmy Snooki,” the “Jersey Shore” star lives in a two-bedroom South Jersey apartment with WWE Hall of Famer “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka. Snooki can teach Jimmy how to fist pump and go tanning. Jimmy can teach Snooki how to properly executive his famous Superfly Splash.

It’ll be adorable.

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Peter Hoare (@PeterHoare) is a screenwriter and dashingly handsome humorist.
Photoshop by Jim Tews (@JimTews).