Whole Foods isn’t just a grocery store; it’s an entire movement. The franchise specializes in organic goodness and attracts a very specific breed of patrons and employees. They’re present in almost any Whole Foods location. Guaranteed you’ve met some of these people at the quinoa paradise – or you actually are one of them…
1. The Overzealous Employee
Their bumper sticker reads, “Wild About Organic!” They LOVE working at Whole Foods more than those Wal-Mart employees whose greatest joy is the daily “Gimme a W!” cheer. This person knows where EVERYTHING in the store is located — from lavender oils to smoked mozzarella — and as you pick out apples, she shouts “GRANNYSMITH!” like a contestant on “Family Feud.”
2. The Non-Employee Employee
It’s weird that this type of person exists, but they do. They’re almost always patrolling Whole Foods and they don’t even work there. They just love the ambiance of the place and have hung around for so long that they have the whole establishment mapped. Much like the Overzealous Employee, they’re eager to share a bunch of suggestions for what you should buy, yet they never actually have a shopping basket full of anything.
3. The “Just Got Back From The Gym” Lady
She’s in sweats, sneakers, a fleece, spinning pants — anything to make you understand that she goes to the gym. You’ll find her jogging down the aisles with her cart and stocking up on Greek yogurt. She also has just one banana in her basket and countless 365 store-brand bottles of water. If you’re anywhere near her, just move to the side; she doesn’t have time for your shenanigans. She goes to the gym, after all.
4. The “Hey, I’m Just Here For Lunch” Guy
More often than not, Whole Foods is strategically placed in the vicinity of a corporate campus, college town or just a really congested area. So, you’ll find a bunch of people who really only venture into Whole Foods for ease of access. They’re the ones eating boxed sandwiches and not doing any grocery shopping. You’ll recognize them by their business attire and overall general malaise sitting in the vegan-filled food court.
5. The Hippie With A Bowl Of Oats
This guy is dressed like he works the register at the nearest mall’s hemp goods store. He’s white, yet has a a pile of homemade dreadlocks on his head and a t-shirt from either a Phish or Grateful Dead tour. He eats everything from the salad bar that looks scary, like wheatberries. What the hell are they anyway? He knows, and looks at your cold sesame noodles with disdain.
6. The “I Don’t Know How I Ended Up Here” Employee
This guy isn’t from Whole Foods stock. He doesn’t eat organic food and he doesn’t know what a pescetarian is, yet here he is carting bushels of star fruit and wondering why his job is selling weapons from Fruit Ninja. Don’t ask him anything about the store; he’ll just sic the Overzealous Employee on you. Oh yeah, and he devours the Free Bird nuggets during lunch — it’s the only fried thing he could find.
7. The “This Place Is Too Expensive” Customer
When she gets her groceries total, she makes a face like the cashier waved a dead skunk at her. Then she mumbles about how this place “costs too damn much,” yet shows up at the same time the following week to stock up on the same expensive food she’ll complain about all over again.