8 Habits You Won’t Be Changing Next Year


Credit: twodolla/flickr

It’s here again: New Year’s! A fresh start and a time to finally get your sh*t together once and for all. Congratulations on your ambition! Unless, of course, you’re one of the few realists who has intelligently accepted that your bad habits and worse attitude won’t be going anywhere any time soon. Here are eight behaviors that will be sticking around longer than the condiments in your fridge.

1. Hitting Snooze 15 Times

…and sometimes you just sleep through your alarm. You’ve told your roommate not to believe you whenever you groggily tell him your 8:00 a.m. class is cancelled, yet all of your efforts to rise at a normal human hour have been futile. You and sleep have a long and special history, and your love will only grow stronger in the new year.

2. Spending All Your Time On Facebook

Never mind the fact that you spent a whole holiday party agreeing with that hot hippie girl that it’s “so important to live in the present.” 2014 is guaranteed to bring about endless checking for updates (isn’t that living in the present?!) and an insatiable appetite for more “likes.”

3. Hooking Up With Crazy Girls

Sure, it’s getting old having drinks thrown in your face and clothing thrown out of your window, but crazy girls aren’t going to get any worse at hiding their crazy or being extremely attractive this calendar year. Buckle up and maybe consider buying a helmet.

4. Getting Most Of Your Meals At Gas Stations

How can people say those hot dogs are unhealthy when no one even knows what’s in them? Here’s to another year of “meals” that you impulse buy along with a lighter and a six pack.

5. Watching Too Much Porn

Sure, your computer has gotten a virus and your wrist has gotten cramped, but that’s not going to stop you from opening tab after tab of boobs after boobs.

6. Partying Too Much

You swore this would be the semester you got “serious” about school — and then a seriously hot girl asked you to do a bunch of Jell-O shots with her. Don’t feel too bad. It would be irresponsible wasting your precious college years on something as pointless as college classes.

7. Spending Money Like An Idiot

The only thing worse than getting those pesky overdraft fees is forcing yourself to spend your paycheck wisely. What’s the point of a savings account when there’s so much cool stuff to buy?

8. Procrastinating

You were going to stop procrastinating this year, but you’ll just do it next year instead.

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Tess Barker (@TesstifyBarker) is a stand up comic with good taste in bad ideas.