How To Stalk Your Ex On Facebook Without Looking Like A Stalker

subtle facebook stalker
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We all have exes and we all want to make sure they’re miserable without us. But since we’re not going to follow them around town, because we’re not insane, we have to rely on Facebook. Sure, that’s still stalkerish, but here are some ways to get the intel you need without a potential restraining order.

1. Never Mention Facebook To Her

Rule #1: There is no Facebook. (It’s like “Fight Club.”) When you bump into your ex, or if you still happen to talk, NEVER EVER reference something that you saw on her Timeline. Example: “Yeah, I saw you went to that Ariana Grande concert. How was it?” NO NO NO NO. Keep a clean lane for stalking by making her think you never travel on it.

2. Download A “Who Deleted Me” App

This is more to see how many of her friends delete you after the breakup. If you notice that your friend count has dropped exponentially, and they’re all from her side of the family, then she probably told them to do that. If you rarely lose any of them as friends, chances are she said to them, “You can keep him on Facebook. We’re still cool.”

3. The “Close Friends” Feature

This feature right here is a precious gem given to us by Mark Zuckerberg that allows you to watch every move a FB friend makes once you add a little star next to their name. The best part about it is that she’ll never know you’ve selected her as your “Close Friend” to creep on. Mission accomplished.

4. Follow Her Friends

Even if she isn’t your friend anymore, you can get a substantial amount of information on your ex just by checking the pages of her closest friends. If she “likes” inspirational quotes on love, she’s in love with a new guy. If she “likes” quotes on “letting go,” then she might be breaking up with him…or she’s just still “letting go” of you.

5. The Fake Page

It’s desperate, yes. But if she’s unfriended you and blocked you, then you have no choice really but to create a whole new life online and stalk her from there. The key to successfully doing this, though, is to take a few weeks to cultivate this new FB account. Get a bunch of friends (mutual ones especially) so she thinks you’re part of her extended social group, not just some obsessive weirdo, which you most definitely are.

6. There’s Always Twitter

Seriously, unless her account is private, this one is fair game.

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Kathy Iandoli (@Kath3000) isn’t stalking your Facebook page. She’s researching you for an article she never plans to write.