How To Throw A Cheap New Year’s Eve Party

Credit: snickclunk/Flickr

When you invited all your Facebook friends to your New Year’s Eve party a couple weeks ago, you forgot that buying Christmas presents for your entire family would drain your bank account. Maybe you’re rich and can afford crazy amounts of bubbly after giving away cases for the holidays, but more likely you’re broke and need some help — in which case, here’s how to rock New Year’s Eve on the cheap.

1. Sub In For Champagne

Here’s the thing about champagne: Price matters. You’re not classy if you buy $9 bubbly just because it’s bubbly; you’re a dick who wants his guests to drink carbonated cat piss and get ax-to-the-head hangovers on January 1st.

If you can’t afford the good stuff, go for something like Prosecco, an Italian sparkling white wine that LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE CHAMPAGNE. Don’t worry, Italian wine will make you seem just as sophisticated as French wine, and tastes about the same in vomit form.

2. Outsource The Refreshments

Asking your friends to bring booze and food is the cheapest way to get it, but give them a stake in the party to get even more. Make them admins on the Facebook event and tell ‘em they can invite some of their friends…y’know, as long as their friends also bring booze and food.

3. Keep The Snacks Greasy

What makes a party instantly lame? When everyone’s texting. What gets them to think twice about using their phones because their hands are nasty? Strategically placed buckets of bar snacks. Potato chips, peanuts and popcorn are all cheap, greasy enough to keep people off their phones, and salty enough to keep them drinking. Also, studies show that drinking leads to dancing.

4. Decorate Like A Man

While we’re on the fence about bending coat hangers around our waists and hanging mistletoe from them, we know there are still ways to make the party festive on the quick and easy. Get a few small Nerf footballs and leave them around the room. This is win/win because if the party sucks, you can throw them at your boys’ heads, and if the party’s great, a girl will throw one at your head to tell you you’ve been picked for mating tonight.

5. A Playlist That Sounds Like A Million Bucks

The cheapest way to make your party rule is to crush it as a DJ. When a club DJ gets to spin on NYE, he puts on a whole hog, raw dog show. If you want your party epic, your music needs to be epic. That means you’re mixing in Nelly, LL Cool J and all the other classic hits that make people at the party look at each other and scream “Oh sh*t! I can’t believe he’s playing that!” Also, did you know that good DJs get, like, all the girls?

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a comedian and editor of Pride Incredulous.