12 Worst Things to Say At The Counter When Buying Condoms

Chinese Mark Upcoming Qixi Festival
Credit: China Photos/Getty Images

When you’re buying condoms, the best way to play it cool is this: JUST FRIKKIN’ BUY THEM. There’s no need to explain yourself and turn the situation uncomfortable or feel the need to purchase tons of other things to cover up the fact you’re buying rubbers. Matter of fact, anyone else in the store would be pleased to see you are practicing safe sex. Own it. And whatever you do, do NOT mutter any of the following when you reach the counter, and the cashier is a hottie.

1. “You were out of Magnums, so I guess I’ll just take these.”

2. “Maybe you can write your number on the box and we can hang out?”

3. “It’s gonna be a wild funeral!”

4. “Can’t make the same mistake twice” ::gives bottle to baby::

5. “These come with instructions, right?”

6. “Mind if I try these on in the back?”

7. “Hopefully these won’t break like that other brand.”

8. “It’s gonna be a wild baptism!”

9. “Pretty sure these are the ones that block herpes, but could you ask a manager just to make sure?”

10. “I’ll take these, and that roll of duct tape, this blindfold and a pair of those gloves.”

11. “If I still get chlamydia from using these, I can return them, right?”

12. “It’s gonna be a wild family reunion!”

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RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian and writer in Brooklyn, NY. His first book, “Ten Shows”, is available on paperback and Kindle.