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If you’re a sucker for the holiday season, you’re probably gonna eat and drink a lot of bizarre, traditional stuff, like pickled herring and muddled wine. That’s fine, as long as you’re prepared to barf in public like a dignified adult. That means no stumbling, no whimpering and certainly no puking into the sunroof of your uncle’s Porsche. If you’re not gonna make it to the bathroom, at least take our advice on what not to use as a barf bag, because part of spreading holiday cheer is knowing how to barf like a gentleman.
1. A Bucket Of Ashes
Definitely avoid vomiting into a bucket of fireplace ashes. The ashes will billow into your face, mid-puke, and since you’re near a blazing hearth, you could potentially burst into flames and be forced to run out of the room on fire, like a stuntman.
2. Christmas Tree Stand
It ruins Christmas if everybody has to watch you kneel on the tree skirt and barf among the branches and sap. “Daddy, why’s the tree shaking and groaning?!” “Oh, that’s just cousin Mark evacuating the entire contents of his stomach onto your Little Tikes Activity Garden.”
3. The Stockings
The stockings have been hung from the chimney with care, which means you need to show a little more respect than to use them as barf receptacles. There are tons of valuable gifts in there, like dental floss, and taffy, and parachute men.
No matter what, you must resist the temptation to accost neighborhood carolers and barf into their hats, no matter how much they deserve it. (Note: There is nothing wrong, however, with stealing some of their sheet music for use as toilet paper.)
5. Santa Beard
The real Santa Claus is the only Saint Nick who doesn’t get hammered, and that’s because he doesn’t exist. But if you’re dressed as Santa, that means you’re either participating in SantaCon or working as a Santa Claus in a department store, and both of those things will drive you to drink. So, if you’re gonna take the “Bad Santa” route, be sure to pull down your fake beard before you blow chunks.
6. The Manger
Your neighbor will not be in the Christmas spirit when he finds you half-passed out in the hay of his nativity scene. “Myrrhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
7. Soup Kitchen Cauldron
If you’re barfing into the soup at the soup kitchen, it’s probably because you ate the soup at the soup kitchen. Big mistake, pal. Now you look like the ultimate Scrooge. “Bleghhh! Take that! See you at the pancake breakfast!”
8. The Clothing Drop
Look at you, trying to do something nice again, to make up for that accident at the soup kitchen. Too bad you ate a handful of those weird, traditional Italian cookies that no one likes. Now you’re upchucking into a dumpster of sweaters and old shoes, and you’re hated by children everywhere.
9. The Toys For Tots Bin
You’ve wrapped a nice gift for a needy child — because you like to give — but you’ve also ingested a toxic sausage, egg and cheese. Now you’re about to throw up in the lobby of your office building at rush hour. Whatever you do, keep away from the Toys For Tots display. It’s considered unprofessional to trip over a pyramid of canned goods and vomit onto puzzles and board games.
10. New Year’s Eve Hat
Keep that sparkly, pointy hat intact, along with your pride. Instead, just barf onto the sidewalk, like everybody else.